Meanderings and Musings

I am alive!!

2012-01-27T20:57:00.002-05:00

In the words of the great philosopher of the 1960s, one Jerome Garcia, "What a long strange trip it's been........." especially this month. I've had some of the scariest moments of my life so far, been plagued by self-doubt more often than not, and in some moments just barely hanging in.

But life is beautiful and wonderful, and there is still so much ahead to enjoy and love. If nothing else, this month has been a lesson .... no, wait, more of a crash course .... in gratitude, in trust, in miracles, in love. And for those lessons and for the kindnesses shown to me, my heart is overflowing. It is a true delight to be able to take even a few moments and to realized just how blessed you are and how wonderful your life is.

Fill in the Blank Friday, 1/27/12

2012-01-27T20:49:00.002-05:00

1. My favorite place i've ever traveled to is wow.... hmmm.... gosh.... Okay, I haven't traveled all that much either, but it's a tie between West Virginia and Colorado -- both have awesome mountains .

2. Italy is somewhere I'd love to go someday.

3. I pass the time on a plane (or bus, or car ride or train) by plane - trying to just sleep; car - I'd better be driving (otherwise, "pull over! pull over!") .

4. My three must-haves when I travel are an MP3 player of some sort , healthy snacks and probably my cell

5. My favorite travel companion is it all depends. Where am I going? What's the agenda or plan? That will drive that answer .

6. The craziest thing that ever happened to me while traveling is plane: having my flight to ATL land 5 minutes before my connecting flight was supposed to start boarding. Usually Delta is WAY better than that! Car: my adventure in West Virginia. I had typed the wrong end location into the GPS and I was about 20 miles west of where I needed to be, about 8:00 at night. The guys at the DOT shed looked at me as if I was a crazy woman (this was winter) ... but I went back over the mountain. The next morning, I drove back over in daylight -- packed with snow!

7. The most exotic food I've ever tried while traveling is does unsweetened tea (in Colorado) count???? For this Southern girl, that is exotic!!! .

A Poem in the Christmas Season

2012-01-02T20:22:00.003-05:00

These are the waning days of the Christmas season, the near fortnight from December 25 until January 6.

I do my best not to follow a philosophy which extends the "Christmas season" from November 1 until 11:59 on December 24, when the last gift might be purchased .... and which discards Christmas like a soiled diaper as soon as the clock shows 12:00:00 on December 26. No, my heart would much rather follow something that reminds us that Christmas is more than one mere day but an outlook for all year, for all life. I also don't get all huffy when people say "Happy Holidays" because I'm smart enough to realize that Christmas is one winter celebration among many. All of them speak to the light coming in the darkness and getting stronger and brighter even in the darkest coldest moments.

This poem was given to me last year by a dear friend, and it resonated with me ..... and I share it with you in the last days of this season of celebration of light and life and love. It is from a Christian viewpoint, but I think any faith or philosophy can appreciate the sentiment contained therein.

I will seek no longer for the burning bush;
All bushes are ablaze.
And I will not hasten to depart
From daily grief and gladness
To climb a holy mountain;
Every mountain now is sacred,
Each marketplace, and every home,
All, all are blessed
Since God has pitched a tent among us.

Now on earth are to be found
The footprints of the word made flesh
Who walked with us in wind and rain
And under sun and stars,
In joy and sorrow,
Born of Mary, watched over by Joseph,
Eating and drinking, living and loving.

Dying yet living, the Word is made flesh
And all the earth,
And each of us,
Is holy ground
Where we must slip our sandals off
And walk softly, filled with wonder.

-- author unknown

May blessings fall on us all, as we tread this ancient ground made new and holy, as brothers and sisters. May the new year bring us new opportunities to be the people we have been created and called to be. May we become living embodiments of the love, light and life that we celebrate during this season.

SURPRISE!!!

2011-12-31T20:36:00.004-05:00

I came home from work this afternoon, to find my family furiously cleaning. My dad looked up long enough to say, "Hey, Danny & Danielle called, they may come over later today." Danny is my cousin who lives in Virginia, and Danielle is his daughter. They are in SC only because Danny's mother is in the hospital in very serious condition.

About 5 minutes later (or so it seemed), there was a knock on the door. Danielle's sweet face was the first I saw, followed by..... my other cousin, Danny's brother Ray. Danny was right behind them. I hadn't seen Ray in probably 8 or 9 years. It was fantastic to see him, and he was amazed to see the changes in me. He hadn't been told until they were on the way to our house, when Danny said, "Oh yeah, by the way, don't be surprised when you see Annette, she's dropped a ton of weight."

They stayed for a while -- which heck, they could have stayed longer but they had just a short window between visiting hours for ICU. And they have to hit the road again tomorrow, as the new semester for Danielle kicks off Monday.

As they were here, and for the rest of the night, I've been thinking about family.

I am one of two grandchildren on my mother's side, the other being my brother. On Dad's side, I'm one of fifteen grands. But in my early life, I tended to associate "family" with my mother's side.... after all, I grew up in her hometown, with her large extended family. I had cousins galore on that side, but only saw my first cousins on special occasions -- holidays at Granny's, the occasional Sunday afternoon trip to her place, etc. I wasn't as close to them, because of the distance -- most of them lived within a 15-20 minute drive of my grandmother, and I was about an hour away.

But as an adult, I have grown to love the relationships I've forged with my first cousins. They are so very precious to me, not just because of the genetic link to them, but the bonds that the heart forms. I see the little posts on Facebook sometimes about "Cousins are our very first 'best friends'..." and I get a little wistful. My earliest best friends were never related to me... they were kids from church and school, and then the various cousins' children, but not to the same degree. And I'm glad for social media -- it has allowed our family to keep in touch even more closely, for the big things and little things. From a distance, I get to see my cousin's new baby. And I keep up with the happenings of those who live a little more closely. I get to find out more about my family, and get to know them better.

So thanks, Ray & Danny (and Danielle) for stopping in today and giving me a wonderful gift: your presence, even for a short time, and a good reminder of the beautiful things in our families.

Can't Say It Any Better.....

2011-12-31T07:08:00.003-05:00

Sayonara, 2011 .... you were better than 2010 (thank God), but you're not as good as 2012 is gonna be! Truly, I appreciate everything you brought me this year -- good work, good friends, a chance to do something I had cast to the side for way too long, new challenges, new information, and a million opportunities. I only wish I'd been able to take advantage of all the wonderful ones, but I also can say thank you for the curves thrown in my path too.

And here's some awesome, awesome advice for 2012:
http://createyourgreatlife.wordpress.com/2011/12/16/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

Just read it. Really read it. Take it slowly -- read one a week or every 10 days and make it your focus. Or if something doesn't apply, be grateful for that, and move to the ones which do matter to you.

Happy New Year, my friends. Make 2012 the best year ever!

Fill in the Blank Friday, 12/1/11

2011-12-01T22:35:00.002-05:00

1. The holiday season is a mixed bag for me. I like what the season is all about but I really am not a big fan of the HYPE machine that "the holidays" have become. I don't know how a message of love, joy, peace, and hope got twisted into "you are a weenie if you don't spend money you don't have on crap you don't need." (stepping off soapbox) .

2. Snow makes me excited because we so rarely get it. Last year was my first white Christmas EVER. EVER. In 42 years, EVER .

3. The best comfort food to eat when it's cold out is chili and cornbread. Any soup and homemade bread. Or veggie soup with grilled cheese sandwiches .

4. Winter is the best time for getting caught up on things like reading, writing, scrapping .

5. I can hardly wait for our Festival of Lessons & Carols (Dec 11) and our prelude (I have a solo!) .

6. When it comes to holiday gifts I prefer to give gifts cards. I know, so many people think that they're so impersonal, and maybe they are, but hey, at least this way YOU (the recipient) can get something YOU want/need instead of "Oh! How lovely! Just what I wanted!" (clenched teeth smile) .

7. If I were to rate my excitement about the holiday season on a scale from 1-10, I would say I am at about a 3. But that's every year. I just don't get all whooped up for it. Sorry .

Fill In The Blank Friday, 11/25/11

2011-11-25T22:37:00.002-05:00

Happy Black Friday!

Today just so happens to be the craziest shopping day of the year. But, hopefully in the midst of it all you'll take a moment to fill in some blanks...it's always more fun when you play along :).

1. Waking up at the break of dawn to go shopping is my idea of pure insanity. There is no deal out there worth all the hassle. Repeat. Believe .

2. If I were to go shopping today I would be on the hunt for a new Advent wreath. I have the typical round brass circle with openings for tapers. I get the whole "eternal circle" thing but frankly it doesn't work for me. So I'm on the lookout for something new and neat. I tried just pillars on a tray, and then tealights as well, but it's not cutting it for me .

3. The best thing I ate yesterday was my parents' dressing. It is DRESSING, not STUFFING, although in the interest of time, they do use stuffing mix in theirs. But it is worth every moment of indulgence to eat it a couple of times a year. Let me put it this way ... a few years ago, I was having a rough time at the job I was in at the time. Just to make me feel better about things, my mama made me turkey breast and dressing one weekend. THAT was love .

4. Something I've been learning lately is I need to trust that the Universe is unfolding exactly as it is supposed to, and that I have to trust the entire process, not just the infinitesimal sliver of it that I see .

5. I cannot start my day without breakfast. This week, I even ate at o-dark-thirty before taking off for the gym. Worked just as well as fixing breakfast once I got to work .... but breakfast is a must, no ifs ands or buts .

6. My nighttime attire consists of like once I get home, or time for beddy-bye? If it's the former, I immediately change into jeans (top stays the same, usually). For sleeping, PJ or yoga pants and a tee .

7. I am looking forward to going back to the ice rink this weekend, this time with my godchildren. I had SO much fun today! .

Lessons from the Rink

2011-11-25T18:55:00.002-05:00

Today, I went ice-skating for the first time in almost 27 years. The last time I went was January 1985, at the Eastland Mall in Charlotte NC (back when it wasn't such a scary place, from what I hear). In the lowest level of the mall was an ice rink. My cousin went a good bit, but it was our first time ever. My brother made one trip around, and came back to our relative and said, "Mary, thank you for paying for me to skate, but I think I'll stay over here with you." As for me, I was younger but heavier than I am now, and also way more fearful. I'm not sure why - usually, youth is full of reckless abandon, but I was a way more calculating soul back then. Guess I'm like Benjamin Button, born old and getting younger with each year......

I made my way around that day, very haltingly and unsure. My cousin glided by fairly easily. There was a young girl there that day who was in the center of the rink and she was probably in competitive skating -- she was that good. Great, even more reason for me to not even be out there, because I was a total flop. Epic fail. I stayed on the ice just putzing around, and then we were ready to go. I was never so glad to pull skates off in my life. Roller skating - totally different. Not that I was any more athletic on concrete or wood compared to ice, but I had four wheels under my feet instead of a blade in the center.

Since then, as most of you know, things are a bit different in my life. And today was the opening for a new venture in downtown Greenville: a seasonal ice-skating rink! We have a year-round rink on the eastside of Greenville at one of the county rec facilities, but I have never gone there to skate. In downtown, just next to City Hall and in front of the Courtyard by Marriott, they have constructed "UBS Ice on Main" running from today until January 8.

I knew about the rink, but I didn't think much about it until something struck me while watching TV this morning. And it hit me: GO SKATING! I was planning to get in a workout anyway today, and as much as I enjoy my gym, I thought this might be a good way to burn off some of the feasting from yesterday. (Lesson One: shake things up!)

So I drove over, parked in the garage and walked about a block to the rink. Paid the fee (which included skate rental) and after lacing up the skates proceeded to go to the rink. I stood there for a couple of minutes because DUH... I had laced up on the steps near the entrance and would have to walk on the blades across brickwork. Doofus me. After a few seconds, this nice gentleman who works there said, "Ma'am, I'll help you to the rubber mats." Once I got to the mats, next to the rink, things were much easier! (So Lesson Two: know your surroundings).

I got out on the ice and things were already better than there were in 1985. One, I'm older and no longer care whether or not I look stupid out there. And two, I have better balance and stronger legs than I did then. So right away, +2 in my favor! The first lap around was wobbly, but then I began to do much better. And then better, and better. I got more confident, and while I wasn't doing stunts, I wasn't always hanging on to the sides of the rink either. I learned to maneuver around those who were standing still. (Lesson Three: Crawl, then walk, then....)

Now, at one point, we all had to get off the ice. It had gotten very grooved, with plenty of shaved ice especially along the outer edges. So we all took a break while they cleared the shaved ice and brought out the Zamboni. It gave us all a chance to tighten our laces, check our skates, and just be patient while the rink went through some needed repairs (Lesson Four: Take time for repairs now to save trouble later).

So with ice restored, I got back out there.... WOW! Much better! Smoother surface, easier gliding, and things were going good. I got to Turn Four (so to speak) and ..... I ended up on my left leg, knee down, and circling. I did a full 360 on my left knee. Well, what else could I do at that point except throw my arms up in a Victory formation and go, "Tada!!" Wipeout #1! (Lesson Five: Pride goeth before a fall. Literally, in this case!)

While out on the ice, I felt like my skates just weren't quite right. They were a smidge too big. Unfortunately, they don't have half-sizes at the skate rental shack, so I had to go down a whole size. And re-establish myself on the ice .... learn to rebalance, regroup and get going again! And so I did ... not sure that the shoe change made that much of a difference but sometimes a perceived advantage is all it takes. (Lesson Six: Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again!)

After about another 20 minutes, my feet were starting to ache just a little. So I figured one more trip around, and then that would be it. And so it was. But I wasn't ready to leave downtown just yet. So I figured why not walk the few blocks up to the Hyatt (the start of the downtown revitalization area all those years back), and walk my way back down to the garage. It had been quite some time since I'd really walked downtown Greenville, and I couldn't believe how many new things had opened in just a few months. Amazing!

After a couple of stops (Barkery Bistro and Mast General Store), it was definitely time for me to head out..... but I can't wait to go back to the rink! Planning to take my godkids this weekend, and have some more fun! If you are in Upstate SC and are looking for something fun to do, check them out online for the times and additional information. You won't be sorry!

State of the Me Address

2011-11-19T22:47:00.003-05:00

It has been an interesting few weeks for me...... yeah, let's just say "interesting." I wrote in September about having a few days off. I ended up taking an extra day, very unplanned, due to a medical emergency.

On my last planned day off, I was at a meeting of our lymphedema support group. We had a special guest speaker, and as I was listening to her talk, I suddenly felt very queasy and then this overriding sensation that I was dizzy and needed to get some fresh air. My body and brain were not in communication with each other all that well, and swoooooooooon down I went. Short story: there was no medical reason I should have fainted. So they asked me to follow up with my primary care doc -- and as luck would have it, I had an appointment with her the next week. We were due to go over some labwork that I'd had done the week before.

My doctor, to her credit, said, "Labwork, yeah yeah. What's the deal with you fainting?" We went over the labwork which did show a couple of areas of concern -- but she did not want to start me on any medication until they had ruled out a cardiac issue. She set up a referral for me to a cardiologist. Words I never thought I'd utter: "Hi, my name is Nettiemac, I am 42, and I have a cardiologist."

So a couple of weeks later (end of October), I found myself in a cardiologist's office, being hooked up for an EKG. And afterwards, they sent me to another area, where I was immediately fitted with a holter monitor, which I wore dutifully for 24 hours. I go in this week for an echocardiogram, and then we'll go from there.

THEN, a week after that, I was sitting in my office at mid-morning when I felt this pain in my stomach -- the kind that you feel during a bout of food poisoning. Hey, having gone through that just once in my life, believe me, I never want to go through it again. Four hours later, I was driving myself home, sick as could be. I collapsed onto the bed and did not move again for four-and-a-half hours. I swear, I think I stayed in the same position that entire time. I woke up the next morning fully expecting to be okay enough to go into work. But other plans were afoot: I didn't even have the energy to stand long enough to make breakfast. Oh yeah. I was going nowhere but back to sleep. By the evening, I felt well enough to plan to go in the next day. So I am guessing it was some sort of 24-hour stomach bug. But UGH UGH UGH!!!

Health issues aside, there have been some changes at work too. Plans are for our sister company to move under the same roof as us, and so there has been some restructuring and reorganization of duties. So come January 1, I will be the main point-of-contact for payroll and a few other HR/accounting related reports. And we have a new HR generalist to handle the heavier-duty HR responsibilities. I met her this week (first week) and so far, so very good.

The only downside is that my plans for NaNoWriMo 2011 are out the window. Who has time? I can't even hope to make it up over Thanksgiving weekend!

All in all, it's a good life, and I have so much to be thankful for -- a doctor that is looking out for my health, good friends who love me, a great job, and much much more!!

Fill In the Blank Friday

2011-11-04T21:24:00.002-04:00

Happy Friday!
Let's fill in some blanks!

1. My favorite thing about this week was/is having dinner with my godson .... my sweet little "birthday buddy" is growing up so fast .

2. Colder weather makes me cold but strangely energized ... at least until we hit full-on winter! (Then, it makes me want to hibernate!) .

3. Three things that make me terribly happy as of late are my godchildren, my dog, and the NaNoWriMo project I'm doing .

4. If I could only wear one kind of shoe for the rest of my life, I'd choose leather clogs/mules. Comfy, dressy, casual, love

5. My personality type is INFP. I used to rebel at the thought of being an "introvert" until I realized that it's not so much a statement on how social I am, as to how I get my energy. Solitude renews and energizes me, so yeah.... introvert .

6. I have a serious problem resisting two things: mindless eating when really stressed, and the kitchen section of department stores. You laugh, I'm not. I am POWERLESS over those lovely shiny tools and appliances .

7. My favorite color to wear is every color except orange and yellow - everything else is fair game. And fabric? Denim. I'd wear it every day if I could! (Oh wait, once I get home, I do!) .

Fill in the Blank Friday, 10/20

2011-10-21T08:55:00.001-04:00

1. Nothing says fall like apples, pumpkins, crisp air, firepits crackling on decks everywhere or big bonfires on beaches, cider, football.......
2. My favorite autumnal tradition is I don't really have one, other than football, football, football.....
3. My favorite fall treat is apple butter (making some more this weekend), and Russian Tea (a mix of Tang, instant tea, and spices).
4. Fall makes me think of everything good in life. I am a fall girl, all the way; always have been, always will be..
5. Autumn free form word association, go! birthday, leaves, football, spice, warm fuzzies.
6. My go-to outfit in the fall is jeans and a sweater. Or jeans and a hoodie. Or jeans and...... (I'm also a jeans girl).
7. My favorite fall holiday is (Halloween or Thanksgiving) Halloween!!!! I love dressing in costume (usually). I suppose on one level, I like that for one day I can be someone else.... but I love T-day too!

Silence & Solitude...

2011-09-29T20:11:00.002-04:00

I'm in the middle of some planned time off, and it's been nice to run at about 70% for a change! Today, I had a couple of planned appointments, and I ended up running early for one of them, so I had some extra time to spare. I had about 45 minutes to spare for my afternoon appointment, and saw a sign that I had to follow.

My appointment was in the town where I worked for nearly 10 years, and I had seen this sign ("Wildlife Viewing Area") and always thought, "Yeah, right!" derisively. But today, I decided to check it out. Well, I have to admit, it wasn't to view wildlife. Mostly, I wanted a quiet place to do some writing. I've felt the need to do some introspection and writing lately, and I've needed to find the right space for it. Right now, as I type this, I'm watching football and hearing the clickety-clack of my keyboard.... which is fine. But for trying to find and best express what is in my heart and soul, then good old fashioned ink and paper was the only thing that would do.

So I made the turn and was greeted by suburbia... nice little houses with manicured lawns and pretty shrubs and fall flowers. Not exactly "wildlife" is it? But I drove on and suddenly, I was on a twisty little mountain drive. There, I saw the Department of Natural Resources sign announcing where I was, and yes, indeedy, it's a nature preserve, right there about a half-mile from nice ranch houses. Not at all what I was expecting.

I rolled down the car window to do some writing and get some fresh air ... and I heard it. I have no idea what kind of birds these were, but they had a distinctive call, and they were just beautiful in their gliding. They were enormous, compared to your average swallow (African and European, combined!), but next to a condor, probably not so big. But it was amazing to just sit and watch them for a while.

Then it appeared. From out of the woods came a butterfly -- not a particularly showy one, rather plain grey-black with a little blue coloring on the tips of the wings. But it landed right on the hood of my car, almost looking at me, and then it turned around to show me its wings. And it flitted for a second and came back. I was speechless. I was in complete awe.

I thought of the quote by Nathaniel Hawthorne: "Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." Which is exactly what I needed to hear, even if just in my heart. And butterflies, as a symbol, often come up in my life. For those of us who live with lymphedema, the butterfly is our symbol to remind us that the therapist's touch should be as light to us as that of a butterfly, and that new life always emerges. And I have often thought of my own journey of change throughout my life -- in many different areas -- as that of the caterpillar to butterfly. Since butterflies have extra meaning for me, I wondered what this could have meant..... and then I thought, "Stop. Just stop analyzing and enjoy the wonder."

I didn't write a thing. Too awed by the few minutes I spent in solitude, with no noise and no need to do anything except BE THERE.

If you ever wondered why...

2011-09-25T20:57:00.004-04:00

For most of the days of the week, I set my Facebook status each morning with a positive quote, or at least food for thought. Why? Because I need to..........

I need to remember the beauty in life, especially when I feel saddened by the state of the world.

I need to remember that everything really does work together for good, especially when I see things that make no sense in a fair and just place.

I need to remember that there is a higher purpose and a better way to live, especially when I get bogged down in the minutiae of things that really don't matter in the long run.

I need to remember that most people really are good at heart, especially when it seems that so much attention is focused on the ones whose hearts are not in good places.

I need to remember that I need to live my life by higher thoughts, higher principles, especially when I fall so far short of those lofty standards.

I need to remember, and I need to act. I need to aspire, and I need to strive.

Do I succeed each day? Yes, as often as I fail in the same goals.

Every single day is a do-over, every moment a chance to reclaim the good and to eschew the bad. It is a chance to try harder and forgive ourselves - and others - for our shortcomings. It is a calling to go higher, dream bigger, work harder, and to reach farther. And this is why I post those inspirational thoughts -- because I need to remember.

Fill In The Blank Friday

2011-09-23T23:18:00.004-04:00

1. The best thing I did all week was get things together to do my Godspell scrapbook, and THIS TIME, by God, I'm actually going to finish a scrapbook!!

2. Blue jeans make me super happy.

3. Pets are adorable - I love my furbaby so much!

4. My optimism is the best thing about my life. Okay, really, everything about my life is pretty doggone nice. I shouldn't complain at all ... the annoyances are just that.

5. With the cooler weather I am looking forward to nights on the back deck, firepit blazing and coffee brewing. My brother's deep philosophizing and talk of (and watching of) football. GOD ALMIGHTY, DO I LOVE FALL!!!!

6. Something that's on my "wish list" right now is for someone at the insurance company to take great pity upon me and say, "Yes, my dear, I think we can find a way to cover your skin removal surgery. It isn't just a cosmetic thing..." *or* "What do you know, all the numbers match and you have the Powerball. Congratulations!" :D

7. This weekend I am going to work tomorrow morning, go to a meeting tomorrow night, and HOPEFULLY catch up with my Godspell peeps at some point (I miss them terribly, already!) .... and just be good to myself, as much as possible. OH, and make a big pot of veggie soup for Sunday lunch.... mmm, homemade crockpot soup!

Fill In The Blank Friday

2011-09-02T22:29:00.002-04:00

1. One thing that is completely superfluous, but that I could never give up is buying books. I know, I know - that's what libraries are for, and I do love browsing the library, but there's something about owning a book forever and forever and going back to revisit it like an old friend.

2. Dating makes me feel awkward.

3. I can't go a day without music. I tried it once, it was NOT pretty.

4. Popcorn.... no, apples..... no, ice cream.... is my favorite snack. (Never met a snack I didn't like!)

5. Lately I've been way more irritable than I want to be .

6. If at first you don't succeed find a way to make it work .

7. Fall is the most wonderful time of the year! .

Fill In the Blank Friday

2011-08-26T22:10:00.002-04:00

1. One of life's most simple pleasures is time alone .

2. People who pull out suddenly ... and then go 25 MPH makes me want to punch someone.

3. I like the smell in the air as it is raining because, I have no idea why, but I do like it .

4. Barnacle is a funny word.

5. If I had to choose one beauty product to use for the rest of eternity it would be the little cucumber-scented facial cleansing wipes that I use ..... love 'em!

6. I'm happy that some of the things I wished for most didn't come to fruition, because I'm pretty happy with the way my life is now :) .

7. I would never get a tattoo, not because I think they're tacky or anything like that. I have a medical condition which makes tats very risky for me (slower healing process). So no ink .... which is fine because I'm not a needle person anyway!

It's a Good Kind of Tired

2011-08-24T06:47:00.003-04:00

I am tired, but it's a good kind of tired. There's the kind of tired where you're physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually tired -- and you are just exhausted in every way, and that's usually when everyone wants more out of you than you can possibly give. I've been there more often than I care to admit, and it is the most horrid kind of tired.

Then there's the tired that comes from knowing you've done a lot, done the best you could, given it everything you had and a little more, and you walk away feeling good, maybe even a little energized. Lately, that's been more my kind of tired.....

And I think for me, it comes from getting back to a lost love: acting. Performing on stage just for the pure joy of it. Right now, my calves are killing me from the dance rehearsals, my swiss-cheese brain has gotten a few more holes from trying to remember which move or which line comes next .... but I'm coming home from rehearsals feeling pretty dang good. I've been blessed to never have stage fright or any fear of being out in the spotlight in front of people. No qualms at all, no fear. There's something freeing about being on stage, something wonderful about transforming yourself into a character and being that person for a while.

So this morning, I'm two cups of coffee in. I have a full plate waiting on me at the office, I have choir practice tonight, and I will have to pack a gym bag and a lunch when I get home so that I'm ready to hit the door tomorrow morning to get in a workout. And when I get home tomorrow night around 10, I'll still be able to look back and say, "Oh yeah, it was a good day!"

In college, I felt the same way on days when we had awesome service projects, like cleaning the homeless shelter or doing National Service Day cleanups. The kind of day where you looked back and said, "WOW! I did all that? Huh, funny I don't 'feel' it....."

It's tired without being soul-tired. The best kind of tired there is.

Fill In the Blank Friday

2011-08-19T21:27:00.000-04:00

1. My idea of pure perfection would be sitting on the back deck of my beach house, overlooking the waves with a soft breeze going through my hair, eyes closed and just drinking in the environment.

2. Laughter is as essential to life as air and water.

3. If it weren't for work and bills I'd pursue a full-time career in health/wellness/fitness.

4. Bloggers are people who understand that the written word is still important, and the power that words have to change the world.

5. If I had a winning Powerball ticket I'd buy you a motorhome and a gas card where the bill comes to me, so that you can enjoy your golden years in style -- love you, Mom & Dad!

6. I'm glad it's Friday because I will have my massage tonight and simply revel in being pampered.

7. Something I'm excited about is our production of Godspell -- it's going to be magnificent!

Completely unfair....

2011-08-13T18:39:00.003-04:00

A few weeks ago, a friend in Oregon told me about a couple of Facebook groups for two children in their area who were both battling cancer. I signed aboard to be their friends and to keep up with their progress.

Those who know me are quite aware of how much I detest cancer. It has taken way too many people I knew and loved. When I was a child, I knew people who had cancer, but it didn't seem to be quite so prevalent. I daresay it would be quite difficult to find anyone today who hasn't been affected by cancer, whether personally, in their families or circle of friends, or from someone else they know.

And sadly, it strikes regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, or any other factor. It strikes without fear or mercy. It cares not what your station in life is, what your hopes and plans for the future may be. It does not care. Period.

It hit two beautiful children, separated by an entire continent from me, but my heart and prayers went out to them from afar. Both their cancers were in advanced stages, but I could always hope and pray for a miracle, right?

Then I learned of two other children, close friends of my friend, also battling cancer (in one case) and a heart condition (in another). Cancer and heart condition -- aren't those diseases of the elderly or at least something that no child should think about? But sure enough, there they were.

My parish has a beautiful tradition: a prayer book out front in which to write the names of those who have asked for our prayers. Then as the gifts are brought forward at the offertory, the book is brought forward as well, and placed on the altar as well. So our prayers are placed there in a very visual manner before God. Four new names went into the prayer book: Ethan, Faith, Keilah, Tyler .... in addition to the other names I regularly place in there and any special needs as well.

Earlier this week, Ethan lost his battle to cancer at age 9. His parents are establishing a foundation in his memory to help other children battling cancer with toys or other things to help them weather the long hospital stays -- to bring some momentary relief and reminders that they are children, kids who just want to be kids.

And yesterday, news broke that Faith's cancer is ever-worsening, and that hospice has been called in. Today, her mother posted that they had "the conversation" with her .... the one where they have told her that their options have run out, and the time she has left is what she has.

There is so much about this that is completely unfair..... two children dealing with things that no child should even have to think about or worry over. Two lives shortened unnecessarily. Two sets of parents and siblings left to grieve, to mourn what might have been, to rejoice in what was, to always have people go "oh, yeah... they lost a child." Their fraternity is one that no one wants to join: parents who have buried a child. And it doesn't matter whether that child was 8, 28, 48 -- all way too soon for their parents' liking.

But the one nice thing I read from both set of parents is a good strong faith that somehow, none of this has been entirely in vain..... that their children are/will be waiting for them in the great beyond, that their pain has ceased, their health and wholeness restored, and that there is something good that can come from all this pain and suffering. If nothing else, it has made people around the nation and around the world take a few moments and think of someone else, to not be so self-absorbed.

And to end on good news, Miss Keilah, the young girl from the East Coast, seems to be responding well to her first treatments. Her prognosis is good right now. Haven't heard an update on young Tyler, but I am hoping the news will be just as good for him.

Let's hope our prayers give them a chance to be kids just a little longer -- and on into a long, happy life!

Strolls Down Memory Lane

2011-08-06T20:41:00.002-04:00

It seems as if the Hoover Dam broke and unleashed upon Facebook a whole slew of "You Know You're From (Wherever) When......" We don't have that one but we do have "Do You Remember At Hometown High...." and posting tons of high school memories. I'm always of two minds about high school days. I enjoy when I get to meet up with classmates or share some memories..... but at the time, high school wasn't the most pleasant of experiences.

High school was one of those times of my life that I'd never want to repeat. Living through it once was more than enough. College? Completely different story. And yet I enjoy seeing my high school classmates out and about. We did a meet-and-eat earlier this summer, and it was a blast. But back in the day, it was a different story.

I couldn't wait to get out of my hometown. Once I was gone, I tried to distance myself from the people, places, etc. of those first 17 years. Angry? Perhaps. Coming home was never even a consideration. But so it happened. I still kept a distance. I needed that wall, that angry-young-girl facade. I suppose you could say I felt so ashamed of coming home on my shield instead of carrying it. Weird wounded pride.

It has only been in the last few years, as I have become more at ease with myself and my place in the world, have I begun to attempt to make peace with having grown up here, and my HS days. We were all silly and immature, and as I see it, we've all gotten so much better. The distancing came with a price: I'll never be as close to my hometown friends as I am to the ones from college and my adult life. They are the people who really watched me come into my own, and who have been there for me in my very darkest hours. But there's also a joy in knowing people who will not look at you funny when you mention certain people, places, events. If you're from here and from a certain era, "The Fooder" will bring instant recall, as would Mrs. O'Dell or "the 100 Building." It's a good thing.

Sometimes, remembering isn't such a bad thing after all......

Amy Winehouse, Norway, and a messed-up world

2011-07-23T13:17:00.004-04:00

So I'm sitting here at lunch and I see a Facebook post about Amy Winehouse being found dead. I shouldn't be surprised but at the same time, yes, I was. You hope that people get their stuff together and have happy lives, but some people just can't. I cannot imagine what kind of pain she must have felt in life that it was bad enough for her to digest the level of substances she did, but also as often. I spent a few minutes pondering why some people have tremendous amounts of pain in their lives -- from abusive homes to childhood traumas or horrid disabilities, anything that is out of the norm -- and have little trouble making their way through life, and usually with the best attitude ever. And other people can have such difficulty coping with things that most of us would either shrug off or eventually just get over...... Some people are like the Black Knight: chop off their arms and to them, just a flesh wound. Others, you can show them a safety pin at 30 paces, and they are stabbed in the heart for life. There's sensitive and then there's "really, child, toughen up!" just as much as there is "you went through all that, and you're okay? really? Wow."

Then I had another friend post an opinion about the horrific tragedy in Norway, for which there just are no words. Her thought was on what sort of odd combination of environment and genetics could possibly produce a killer like that..... and there are no answers. Here's someone who felt such deep emotion about something that this was his answer to his personal pain..... it is a massively (blank)ed-up answer to 99.99999% of the rest of the world, but his mind would not see that.

Violence.... one full of rage and took it out on 100 people who had no connection to his pain at all. One full of self-hatred and took it out on herself. Both deprived the world of something. Who knows if Amy Winehouse's talent could have blossomed and given us all lots more to enjoy in her music? Who knows what those 100 people in Norway (especially the teens) could have gone on to do and be? We mourn most what might have been...... in both instances.

And sadly, this week, a part of my childhood has gone away too..... No new program for NASA. The space shuttle program has, after 30 years, ended, with nothing substantial to replace it. NASA was something cool from my childhood -- being an astronaut? YEAH! Even as a girl, it would have been super cool! I remember watching launches on the evening news, and we all held our breaths when the very first shuttle went up and came home. I can tell you exactly where I was when I heard the news of the Challenger explosion .... and my teacher's reaction has never been forgotten in 25 years. (Wow. 25 years? Seriously? Oh geeez......) In fact, we used the whole Challenger explosion and investigation as a case study in my Public Administration class. And now it seems that we have other fish to fry. Too many different things wanting a piece of the pie, and oh well, this quaint relic from another time, well..... sorry NASA. You're expendable.

Really? How many of the technological advances that we enjoy today had a genesis or a further development from the space program? What if all that had never happened? Damn those Commies for capitulating .... they took our competitive drive away. (/sarcasm) The one remnant of the Space Race Age that I'll hang onto are some great pieces of ambient music..... or music steeped in remembrance of such a time (e.g., Donald Fagen's glorious The Nightfly, and especially "New Frontier").

****

Guess today, I haz a sad. All over.

Fill in the Blank Friday (7/22/11)

2011-07-22T21:31:00.002-04:00

1. One of my happiest moments ever was This one will sound really strange, but the day I quit a job that just didn't work for me anymore. Things had happened that made my work go from good-crazy to horrific-insane. What I realized I was grown-up and it was time I took my life back into my hands. Made my decision to quit and slept like the dead that night.

2. Summer is wedding season and weddings are usually, very beautiful events.....

3. This summer (to quote Robin Williams as Adrian Cronauer channeling Walter Cronkite) has been hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.

4. My summer food of choice has been blueberries and grape tomatoes. Not together mind you, but yeah.....

5. My summer uniform has been more or less my regular clothes...... slacks of some sort, short-sleeved top of some sort, and shoes. It's hotter than Hades outside, freezing cold inside.... so trying to hit the middle.

6. If I could spend the entire summer in one location I would choose wherever the sand is white, the water is blue, and the men don't speak much English

7. My summer anthem is the entire "Bat out of Hell" album...... it just reminds me of some really good summers in my life.

Something fun for me!

2011-07-20T22:50:00.002-04:00

I did something last week that I haven't done in forever: audition for a theatre production.

Good news: I AM IN THE CAST!

Better news: It's Godspell!!!

I love this musical. Last year, I got the bright idea to finally download the soundtrack from iTunes and am SO very glad I did. Not sure why but I decided I had to have it and by golly... I had joked with a friend from choir who is involved with local theatre that they needed to do this. So by this spring, it became, "Hey guess what? We are trying to get the rights for Godspell. You will HAVE to audition."

They did. And I did. I wasn't sure I could. Right now, I'm on a campaign to be gentler with myself. But by the same token, I'm badly in need of some stress relief. So between treating myself to a monthly massage and trying to get better quality sleep, I also figured it couldn't hurt to do something fun for myself, something I hadn't done since God was a boy.

By the time I get on stage, it will be just short of 21 and a half years since my last time in a production. It will not be 21 years to my next one (at least I hope!). Even in just a few days, I am finding myself really enjoying it. Maybe one audition each year? We'll see........

And while I am not doing "Turn Back Oh Man" (my very favorite tune from the show), I am doing "By Your Side" (my 2nd favorite song). And a small solo in "Light of the World" ... you know, there's not a bad song in the bunch. :)

See ya in lights!

Fill in the Blank Friday

2011-07-15T20:58:00.000-04:00

Shamelessly stolen from Amanda

1. I am a (morning, evening, middle of the day person)

I am a evening person. Not a night owl, mind you (those days are LONG gone), but I do really good between 5-10 PM.

2. My favorite Pandora stations are

my own "blender" and jazz classics.

3. 3 of my "must-have" songs for a road trip playlist are

See, I can't answer this: it will all depend on what mood I'm in, where I'm going, who's going with me or am I going solo, etc. If i'm solo, it's all good and up for grabs. I will say this: it's not particular songs, it's which CD's, in which order, etc.

4. My favorite pattern is

I don't have a favorite but I can tell you stripes in any direction other than vertical do not work for me. It's just me.

5. My favorite perfume is

Anais Anais. Love it and have since 1986.

6. Rules are

Yep. They are. No, really, I love structure to a point, but there are times some rules just stink. And are worth breaking. And worth the punishment. Others, not so much.

7. My most overused phrase or punctuation is

Exclamation points- because I'm just really generally excited about everything! And the (...) because I'm lazy with grammar and it's easier to write in the way I think and hope people just follow along. (Dang, Amanda, me too -- so I stole your answer too!!!)

Your turn......

Love at First Listen

2011-07-09T16:22:00.002-04:00

It was 21 years ago that I first discovered bossa nova -- okay, bossa nova music other than "The Girl from Ipanema" -- thanks to my exchange brother. Marcio was from Sao Paulo, Brazil. To help him have a little bit of home while he was in the States, his father had made a not-quite-mix-tape for him. One side was all bossa nova (mostly Gilberto/Jobim) and the other was samba. Samba was great, but bossa nova.... ah! I fell in love. (Of course, every time I hear "Ipanema" I can't help but see John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd in my mind's eyes....)

I actually fell in love when he left the tape behind. Somehow the tape ended up in my portable case. I think my parents thought it was mine and when I returned to school, in it went. One night, as I was nursing a hellacious migraine, I needed just some soft music as I attempted to fall asleep. I'm odd in that sound doesn't bother my headache, as long as it's low and not annoying; think "quiet storm" type of music. Light - oh God, the darker the better during a headache. Anyway, I hit play on my huge ol' boombox and out poured beautiful rhythms of the Brazilian coast. Ipanema made its way to Charleston that night and it's been a happy marriage ever since.

I can't describe why I like it. The music has an energy that I can't describe. It is not the frenetic energy of the samba or other Latin rhythms. It is more like a mambo than anything else but still, not quite. There's an easy flow, a soothing sweetness, an undercurrent of sensuality, and something about hearing music sung in Brazilian Portugese.... mm.

For about 15 of the last 21 years, I got my fix from that little tape until..... yes, you know it's coming.... yes, my Ford Escort's tape deck ate it. I mean, had it for lunch with a second helping and extra dessert. I cried. Yes. I did. Big ol' salty tears. I have searched in vain since then for the exact album that Mr. Guilherme lovingly prepared for his son, but to no avail. The closest I have found is Herbie Mann's album with Getz and Gilberto and Jobim, but even that isn't exact. And no luck at all in finding the samba music; I never knew the artist.

So the other day I had stopped in Starbucks -- which is an event that happens along the same cycle as the Ice Age. I'm just not a Starbucks person, at least not on a regular basis. But I had a gift card left over from my birthday, and I'd used it ... maybe 3 times since October? And mostly for the regular coffee and gum. Yeah, big spender. Anyway, I saw it and HAD to have it. I mean, HAD to: a compilation CD, called "In A Bossa Nova Mood." Quicker than a jackrabbit on a first date, I grabbed it, and ended up paying a whopping 16c over what my card had left. Yeah bay-bay!!!!

Had it in my CD player(s) for three days straight now. Wishing I were in Ipanema ........ Completely wonderful!

My America

2011-07-04T19:05:00.003-04:00

My earliest known ancestor came to these shores in the 1600s, settling in Virginia. I had other ancestors who came -- some to Pennsylvania, some to South Carolina, some to Maryland, most to Virginia. And south they went, along the Wagon Trail toward Texas. They stopped. Some of theirs went on, and so I have distant relatives who share some of those family names all over the country, if not the world. But mine stopped here. I can drive to any number of cemeteries within a 75-mile radius and find ancestors and other relatives (their siblings or descendants).

My last immigrant ancestor -- at least of which I am aware -- probably arrived sometime around 1820 or so from Ireland. Her grave, within 5 miles of my home, simply states born in Ireland in 1801 and died here in 1870 (if I recall). That's it. Nothing else. I have no idea where in Ireland she came from, how she came, why she came, anything. I often wonder if she bought a ticket, if she stowed away, if she came through New York, Baltimore, Charleston, Philly, or where?

At least as far as I have found, they all came from elsewhere. I keep hoping for some Native ancestry to mix in with the very Anglo-Scots-Irish mix that spawned my particular family -- not even a smidgen of German mixed in, surprising given the number of German immigrants to our area. They all came for a reason. Whether for land, marriage, a better opportunity or just freedom, they all came to the Eastern shores of the US.

And my life is forever better because of that choice.

Tribute to my dad

2011-06-19T07:25:00.002-04:00

No bones about it: I am a Daddy's girl. Now, I'm not the girl who thinks my dad can do zero wrong. But I love him to death and admire him more than I can ever say.

The other morning, I was listening to a local sports-talk show and the host was asking his listeners to call in and tell how their dad played a role in their love of sports. If I'd had the time, I would so have been on the line......

Picture this: it's the early 1970s. My dad is in his late 20s, but already on the hamster wheel of life. He's working a full-time job and going to community college full-time too. He has a wife, daughter, and disabled mother-in-law to support, and going to college is going to at least give him a shot to do a little more. Sundays are truly a day of rest for him, so Saturday is the only opportunity he has to do all those things that don't get done during the week: lawn mowing, car repair, home improvements, you name it.......

He comes in at lunch from whatever chore is being done for a quick bite and just a little rest in front of the TV. And there's his little girl, sitting right next to him. She's a little different from other kids - shorter, chubbier, loves reading more than anything else, but she's got on NBC's Game of the Week with Joe Garagiola and Tony Kubek. And hey - the Reds are playing! So he takes a few extra minutes to watch an inning or two with her, explain a few of the basic rules, etc. And come fall, instead of Saturdays, he'll do it on Sundays with the NFL -- watch the game, explain some of the basic rules, because doggone it, those Steelers are great!

That, dear friends, is how I became a huge sports fan. Couldn't play them to save my life because of the chubbies and the klutzies, but I love watching the game. And to this day, I still watch NFL, MLB, college baseball, college football.... heck, I'll watch a Little League team from Taiwan play (just like the 70s, huh?). All because my dad took a few minutes each weekend to sit with me and show me how it worked. Yes, he had a million things to do. He could have easily said, "I don't have time for that." But he didn't.

My dad showed me the value of hard work, stressed to me the importance of a good education. Reading bored/bores him to tears (and sleep) but he always encouraged me to read if I truly enjoyed it. Math was his strong suit -- the man didn't graduate high school, but he has an associate's degree and could do algebra and trig in his sleep at one point. In 8th grade, when I was struggling with some algebraic concepts, he got out his old college math books, even his GED prep books and showed me a different way of looking at the same equation. He's in his late 60s and still working .....

I am very much like him. I work too hard, play too hard, we both play catcher when asked, we've both had concussions that still make us go "whoa" on rare occasions. We have our differences: he's older and more conservative, I'm younger and still believe in the ideals of my youth, even if they've been tempered by time and practicality. And there are a few other things on which we will not be seeing eye-to-eye.

But I have the world's best daddy. Sorry to everyone else who thinks their dad has that title, but no. Mine. Mine, mine, mine! I only halfway joke that I am still single in my 40s because I have not found the man who treats me anywhere nearly as well as my daddy does.

Mechanic, plumber, builder, sounding board, listening ear, reality check ..... Daddy.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy!!!!

There IS a difference!

2011-06-12T20:31:00.002-04:00

I had an "oh my (clutch my pearls)" moment in the grocery store this afternoon.

Now, I do not presume to be Southern royalty or anything of the sort. I am a small-town girl, raised by hard-working people from hard-working families. I do not think for one second that I will be thought of any differently. For years, I was not comfortable enough in my own skin to really appreciate where I came from, but now I appreciate it. And while we were not materially rich or had much influence, we did have manners and we were raised right....

Truvy: "Well, I haven't left the house without Lycra on these thighs since I was 14!"
Clairee: "*You* were brought up right!"

So, I was in our local grocery store today and turned onto the breakfast foods aisle when I heard a conversation between a girl, maybe 25 at the oldest, and her "mommer" ..... "Yeah, hang on... (loud yell: "BRIAN, get back here, I ain't done with that!") ... well, he's taken the frickin' buggy an' I got all this (effin') shopping to do and... (loud yell: "I said, bring that g---d----- buggy back, y'all!) and I ain't got time to put up with this shit."

I clutched the pearls. And immediately made my way to the organic cereal (which is where I was heading anyway)..... I felt the need to distance myself from such shenanigans as much as possible, and since Miss Whiskey Tango 2011 isn't the granola kind......

Now, to be perfectly forthright, yes, I fuss with my family at times. But I do it between clenched teeth, in a very low tone, and certainly not in a display so public! And I also guarantee you that had I said such phraseology on the phone in a public place to my mother, she would have materialized through the phone, and given me the beating I deserved.

Several years ago, there was a great little book written by Dr. David Cannon named Hey Bubba: A Metaphysical Guide to the Good Ol' Boy. And in it, he notes that there is a vast difference between Good Ol' Boys and Rednecks, basically lumping Rednecks as WT.

Yes, folks, there really is a difference.

Good Ol' Boys (and Girls) have good hearts, mean no harm, would give you the shirt off their backs if you needed it, love their moms, their dads, their dogs, and most people. They are truly salt of the earth, no matter if their pockets are empty or they're sitting on a gold mine. Whenever you hear the phrase "good people" .... well, a Gobbie might just come to mind. Gobbies aren't the type to always put everyone ahead of themselves, but they are aware that others' rights begin where theirs end, and are respectful of that.

Rednecks/WT's..... no. There's a difference. I'd even say that Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman" may not be a redneck as much as a Good Ol' Girl. Rednecks, to use Dr. Cannon's phrase, are "reptilian." No one matters but them and theirs... but if you get in their way, then you're dead meat too.

And then there are idiots. But that's another post for another time.

Thinking about Memorial Day

2011-05-29T20:38:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is Memorial Day, and I think a little reminder is in order. Memorial Day is a time to remember all those servicemembers who died while on duty. Veteran's Day is the time to honor all the rest, current, retired, etc.

Last year, I did a Facebook app where you could list your servicemember who died on duty, or have it randomly assign your status for the day to a serviceperson killed in action. Please allow me to retell this story, from my "Gr-attitude Adjustment" blog last year:

"... I allowed it to randomly find someone....... and it was just as poignant to me: SP4 Wilbert Eugene Jones, killed in the Vietnam War. When I saw that, I knew I had to find out more about him.

I Googled him and found a SP4 Wilbert E. Jones, and information about him at VirtualWall.org (PS: that's another thing on my bucket list: visiting the Wall; Jamie O'Hara's song "50,000 Names" still brings me to tears). He was from Eden, North Carolina, only about 4-5 hours from here. He was an infantryman, died at age 21, in Quang Tri province on 30 July 1969.

Why did Spec-4 Jones and his story affect me? My Daddy was an SP4, in Europe, during the Vietnam War era. It was only because of my grandfather's stroke and Dad being the last unmarried child that he was able to come home safe and sound before he saw combat. Daddy worked with rockets & missiles, so I have always believed that he would have been sent to 'Nam at some point. I am here today because of that odd stroke of fate (no pun intended).

This made me wonder if perhaps Daddy served with this guy at some point or knew him from boot camp or any of the other places he went. It just made me really stop and think about this fella -- who he might have been, where he was from........ So I printed the information for my daddy, telling him what I'd done and what I'd found. Daddy deciphered all the arcane Army jargon and acronyms. He didn't serve with him, but there was an immediate level of kinship, brothers in arms quite literally. Specialist Jones' tour began in December 1968, the same time my parents were celebrating their first Christmas together. He died 3 months before my own birth. His birthday? March 26..... my daddy's is March 6 (although 4 years earlier).

I wondered about the friends and family that Specialist Jones left behind there in Eden and at the various bases where he was stationed. I wonder how many of them are still here today to think of him, to be grateful for his ultimate sacrifice, to celebrate the person he was and to mourn what might have been. I wish I knew more of his story but I hope that he is never forgotten.

If that app is available again this year, you betcher rear end I'm going to donate my status tomorrow to remember a fallen soldier. We do not thank them enough.

I don't care if you have (R), (D), (I), or (?) behind your name. I don't care what your viewpoints are on the President -- see rant below -- or whether or not you support the current military campaigns... NONE OF IT MATTERS. Thank a serviceperson for your freedoms, including freedom of speech.

And now I will exercise my right to free speech............ {rant} for every "pundit" out there who does their damnedest to run the President down for every decision or every nuance of a word or speech, drink a big ol' glass of STFU Juice and listen: Instead of bitching about everything he does, why don't you take five minutes, drop to your knees and pray for the man? Pray in whatever way suits you, but pray for wisdom and sound judgement, and thank God you don't have that responsibility, because you'd be just as overwhelmed. {/rant}

Okay. I feel better now.

To everyone who gave their lives, thank you. To the families left behind to mourn, grieve, advocate for peace or for changes for our military to make them safer, thank you. And may God bless the United States of America.

Farmer Nettie is alive....

2011-05-15T21:47:00.002-04:00

In my whole life, I have never had much interest in dirt, seeds, plants, flowers, anything connected to the art and science of gardening. My dad has always done some type of gardening -- both food and floral, though mostly shrubbery. My parents aren't the type to grow prize-winning roses or dahlias or irises or any of the sort, but they do have nice azaleas and tulips. Tulips have a certain appeal to me: plant the bulb, water occasionally, there ya go.

But lately, I have been totally overcome by gardening, veggies and herbs, and even (gasp) a couple of berry plants. It all started so innocently with a mini-tomato greenhouse, followed by grow-your-own strawberries and GYO sweet peppers (all from seed). And then........

It's a long story but here's what I have right now:
* Tomatoes (from seed)
* Eggplant (from seed)
* 3 types of bell pepper: one orange (from plant), one "rainbow" (from seeds), one sweet pepper (from seeds).... okay, really, one and a half. One was a large pot, one a teensy pot
* Broccoli (from seed)
* Mesclun (mixed salad greens; from seed)
* Small Pumpkins (from seed)
* Zucchini (from plant)
* Cucumber (from plant)
* Strawberry (plant; the seeds still have not germinated and after nearly 4 weeks, I doubt they will)
* Blueberry (purchased a bush)

Herbs..... I have
* Rosemary (trying from seed and one plant - seeds are not doing too well; plant is good!)
* Lavender (from seed and one plant -- I swear, the seeds only started going when I brought the live plant home)
* Sage (plant)
* German chamomile (plant)
* Oregano (plant)
* Flat-leaf parsley (plant)
* Tarragon (plant)

I even bought a 48"x48" (16 sq feet) gardening area. My dad and I are going to finish it up this coming weekend, as I'll need to buy some more garden/potting soil. The veggies are going to go in that (except for the pumpkins right now). I have to work on my plan for that this week.

I cannot wait to eat the fruits, veggies, and herbs of my labors!

Just one thing to say

2011-04-24T18:55:00.004-04:00

Surrexit Christus, alleluia!
Cantate Domino, alleluia!

Wishing you all a happy Easter!

Gift of Life

2011-04-10T08:56:00.002-04:00

Life is a precious, beautiful gift. From that first inhalation at birth to that last great exhaling at our passing, and all the breaths and breathtaking moments in between, life is beautiful and wonderful.

And right now, I know of someone who is eagerly awaiting a donation that will allow him to breathe once again. His wife is on a messageboard that I am part of, and they are at Duke. Last night, they thought they had a set of lungs for him (he needs a double-lung transplant), but unfortunately his blood subtype (subtype? Really?) was not a match. So the waiting game continues for them.

April is National Donate Life Month. If you've thought about organ donation, have questions or concerns, or simply know that you want to but need to fill out the forms -- visit today!!! You can link to the Organ Donor registry in your state, and go from there.

But it's more than just filling out the form -- be sure to TELL! Tell friends and family that you're an organ donor. Put it on your driver's license in case no one can speak for you. Put it in your funeral arrangements and your will. TELL PEOPLE! It does no good if you fill out the forms but no one is aware that you wish to pass on the gift of life to someone.

I signed up to be an organ donor as soon as I could once I was of legal age (I think I was maybe 20 and they asked when I renewed my license). I figure if I'm in the ground, the perfectly good organs are doing me no good, when they could be helping someone else. Frankly, my theology is that God would rather me enter in without my physical heart or kidneys or whatever else if they've gone to help others -- he'll supply every need anyway!

But you also can be a live donor for kidneys or bone marrow -- so consider donations for those as well!!! You can always be a blood donor every 56 days. There are a million ways to share that wonderful gift of life with others.

Do your part today.

Why don't we.....

2011-04-09T21:04:00.003-04:00

Okay, let's get the musical responses out of the way first: "Side by side on my piano keyboard, Oh Lord...." or ".... do it in the road?"

Hee hee hee.

Last week, I had the opportunity to tell a loved one just how much they meant to me. Won't go into all the details, but I wrote a letter to this person and told them some of the good things about them, how proud I am of them, how they have influenced me, etc. etc. I also got some of this person's other friends and loved ones to do the same. One of the mutual friends and I agreed that this is something we need to do more often .... without any real occasion or reason why, other than simply to do it.

So.... why don't we?

Why don't we start this revolution? Why don't we pick up the phone, or sit down in person, or even if we have to, write that letter -- which is probably best, because the person can read it over and over and over whenever they need a boost.

Why don't we make the time to tell people what they mean to us?

Why don't we start today?

Quick update

2011-03-29T21:01:00.001-04:00

I met with Dr. Y on Monday and in late April, he'll be removing the cyst. It's ... well, he gave the scientific name of everything, but basically, it's a blocked oil gland. Hooray! I mean, hooray that it's not anything worse.....

AHHHH... and breathe again.

In praise of good doctors

2011-03-25T21:34:00.003-04:00

For those who are regular readers of this, or of Weighty Matters, you know the frustration that I have experienced in the last 18 months or so with the medical profession -- both for myself and my mother (especially). But today, I have mostly very high praise for the doctors who are worthy of their calling, and who make medical visits and checkups almost a joy.

Yesterday was my dental checkup. Doc G is phenomenal. I don't get freaked out by dental visits, because Lord knows, I have spent quite a number of times with my rear in a dental chair. Dr W was our pediatric dentist, then Dr B when we got too old for Dr W, and when Dr. B closed his practice, we started with Doc G. Just a gem! The nice thing is that Doc G is one of those dentists that puts you at ease. He has a fantastic staff who is just as caring and supportive as he is. I have to go back for an overlay due to a chipping of a tooth that's already mostly filling material anyway. Oh boy.... but honestly, that doesn't even bother me.

Dr. E is another great doctor, and I've been a patient for about 14 years now (wow - really? Ha....) He is a kind, gentle person to whom I owe an awful lot. He is the doctor who recommended that I use Weight Watchers to lose weight. It was on his scale that I saw a horrible fact unfold before my eyes, and instead of berating me... which he isn't the type to do anyway... he reached out and told me he believed in me and in my abilities to see the process through. I think that was a key factor in me finally deciding a few weeks later that perhaps yes, he was right and I needed that extra help to make it work.

Dr. Y is a fantastic surgeon who was more than incredibly kind to me in performing my cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal)... yeah, I'm gonna use the 10-dollar word because I can! (HAAA) No, really, when I went in through the ER not knowing if I was going to make it through this attack (even though I'd survived my others), he was there to watch over me, to make sure that they had everything in place, and was prepared to do whatever it took. And here's the thing for which I will forever treasure him: he prayed for me and with me before we ever entered the OR. He paused at the door, asked me if I minded, and through tears I said, "Oh, God no! Please! Always!" He later went out, told my parents exactly what had transpired, and prayed with them a prayer of thanksgiving for a successful operation. Now THAT is a doctor who cares.

Just so happens that today, I had my checkup with Dr. E. He listened to my concerns, explained why he was prescribing what he was going to, how it would improve the situation, gave me orders for some work to be done, and listened as I explained about a cyst on my shoulder. Keep in mind, shoulders don't usually come into play with his particular specialty. But he took one look at the cyst, heard how my family physician didn't seem to think it was worth looking further into, and said, "Oh, no, let me call a friend of mine over at GHS, he's Dr. Y...."

My face broke into a huge smile as I said, "He's the doctor who removed my gallbladder! I think the world of him!" I relayed the story about the prayer prior to operating, and he said, "Yes, that would be him, and he is top-notch both professionally and personally. But you know that already."

I see him Monday. Hopefully he'll remove the cyst in the office, we'll be over and done and WHEW! As Dr. E said, "Well, I can assure you that it's definitely not 'cosmetic' so I hope your insurance will do the right thing." Me too.

I have rarely had a doctor's visit that had good tears mixed with laughter, and a level of caring and concern that was this memorable. The last two days have been reminders that there is still nobility in the medical field, if you just look in the right places.

Stolen from Jinny: ABC's of Me

2011-03-25T20:36:00.003-04:00

It's been a long time since I posted a meme to my blog, but here goes:

A-Age: 41

B-Bed size: Twin

C-Chore you hate: Any of them that don't involve the kitchen or bath. Seriously, I don't mind cleaning the kitchen or the bathroom but everything else is "eh, who cares?"

D-Dogs: The one, the only, MADDOX THE GREAT!

E-Essential start to your day: Breakfast, including coffee

F-Favorite Color: Blue

G-Gold or Silver: Silver. I have gold stuff but somehow it just doesn't look right for me (IMHO)

H-Height: 5'6"

I-Instruments you play: Piano and poorly

J-Job title: Superrrrrr Genius

K-Kids: None of my own. Two fantastic godchildren

L-Live: from New York, it's Saturday Night!!! (Okay, really: my hometown in Upstate SC. Still live there.)

M-My mom's name: shall not be mentioned here because I share it with her but do not use it. It's not a bad name but it's not me. Never used it, don't intend to, and I get really pissed when I have to sign timesheets as "(First name, middle initial)" as opposed to "(First initial, middle name that I've used and ALWAYS gone by for my entire life)" .... not that I dwell on it.

N-Nickname: Nettie, Caro

O-Overnight hospital stay: Try an 8-night stay, late August 2003 on past Labor Day (I think it was actually Aug 27-Sept 4).

P-Pet Peeve: (I am grinning EVILLY at this one) When plastic containers aren't stacked properly in the cabinet. Like with like. It's not rocket science.

Q-Quote from a movie: "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue...."

R-Right/Lefty: Right

S-Siblings: I have one younger brother

T-Time you wake up: 5:00 AM six days a week, whenever on Sundays (but rarely past 7:00 AM).

U-Underwear: Yes, thank you.

V-Veggies you dislike: Wow.. I haven't met one I haven't liked. Okay, I'm gonna guess and say turnips since I really haven't eaten them.

W-What makes you run late: What doesn't?!?!?!

X-Xrays you've had: Dental, back, and I think ... no wait, that was ultrasound for the gallbladder.

Y-Yummy food you make: Everything. :-D Okay, really I make a pretty killer turkey meatloaf.

Z-Zoo animals: The monkeys, what else?!?

29 and not so fine...

2011-03-07T19:05:00.002-05:00

Today is the 29th anniversary of my grandmother's death. It is a day where I will remember almost every detail to that day. It was a Sunday. We went to church and then took my father out for lunch - his birthday is the 6th. On the way home, my mother wanted to stop by the nursing home where my grandmother lived and visit. My dad said, "You just went yesterday for a visit. Just call when you get home."

(Just a note on that: That moment made me keenly aware that there is a plan and purpose to everything. Normally my father wouldn't have minded stopping by... but had we done so, we would have walked right in on her death itself.)

We got home to find the phone ringing -- the home calling to tell us to get to the hospital post-haste, that my grandmother had had some sort of episode. My brother and I stayed at home while my parents went flying. About a half-hour later, there was a knock on our front door. It was Granny B, my next-door neighbor..... "Children, I have some bad news. Your mama just called...." And I didn't need to hear anything else, even though she continued. I remember crying and crying and crying. I must explain: I was her oldest grandchild, only granddaughter, as my mother is an only child. My grandmother lived with us until I was 7, at which point she self-referred to a nursing home. Oh, my granny was something else, let me tell you.

People streamed in and out all day. People from church, local family, friends and neighbors alike. One I remember out of the entire blur was Mrs. Metz, who made this completely TDF caramel-frosted cake. Tee was another .... she came over to offer her friendship and care, and sometime about 6:00 (I think) I looked at her and said, "Oh yeah, what did you come here for?" (thinking it was flour or sugar or you know.... something on that line). She gave me a strange look and said, "Hunny, your granny died." I looked at her and went, "Oh yeah. Sorry."

I went to school the next day. There wasn't a thing I was needed for at home, and I needed to get my mind off things. I remember telling my 5th period teacher, "By the way, I won't be here tomorrow. My grandmother died yesterday, so...." Turns out her husband's grandmother lived at the same nursing home; she didn't know. That night was the viewing and receiving friends. Neither my brother nor I went. I had a lot of resentment about that for years. I thought my mother didn't want us there so she could soak up all the sympathies. I found out later that my mother didn't even know we weren't there. She had no idea, no memory, that she'd asked Tee's mom if we could stay with them that night until they got home.

Tuesday morning was her funeral, a little graveside service at 11:00. Again, another incident where my mother didn't let my brother and I take part in one thing, and I had great resentment. We didn't get to ride in the family car (from the funeral home), but some stinkin' distant cousin got to (bear in mind, I was 12). Oh, was I furious. Instead, we rode over with her best friend. I remember stomping through the cemetery to get to the tent, to have one of the funeral home people give me this look like "Family Only." Even then, I was a master of snark and said, "I'm the granddaughter," turned on my heel and went under the tent. I was in a mood, to be sure. And again, much later on, I found out that my mom had no idea of the details or the anger I felt about being "left out." She didn't even realize what had happened. Guess things really are a blur when it happens.

We came home to a wonderful spread by the Methodist Church and a houseful of relatives, laughing and joking and yukking it up..... and I wanted to unleash my verbal assaults on every last one of them. I could not wait for them to get out, leave us alone to our grief, and stop this madness. I didn't realize the healing that laughter and good memories could bring. I was young and even then a navel-gazer, and all I wanted was to wallow in the sadness. She was my granny, not theirs. It was me who had shared a bedroom with her when I was a child. We had the matching beds. It didn't matter if she was already asleep when I went to bed, she had the love and patience to tell me bedtime stories -- usually the stories of things that happened in her childhood. It was a flippin' miserable day, and I didn't care how long they'd known her as "Aunt Aurie".... "Aunt Aurie" was not the same as "Granny."

It took me many years to unpack the grief I stuffed away that day. My mother was so lost in her own grief and sorrow, that I felt I didn't have much choice except to stuff it and help her through. I'd deal with mine later..... and I did: six years later, then another six years later, and again this past spring. I shared the story of Granny's passing as part of a talk I did for a retreat.... and even all this time later, it still choked me up so much. I sit here now, big lump in throat, runny nose, misty eyes.

But I should have known this would loom large in my life. I was six years old when I had a horrific nightmare about my grandmother's passing. In the dream, my brother and I were on the couch, my parents in the kitchen, and my grandmother went to the bathroom where she collapsed from a hemorrhage. Our neighbor Ann heard the commotion and came flying up to help. I remember in the dream seeing the ambulance back up to our front porch. I remember seeing my grandmother's blood on her dress. It scared the absolute crap out of me at that very tender age. I woke my dad up screaming.... don't remember if I woke Granny up or not. I'm sure I did. I couldn't tell them my nightmare, other than there was a certain hymn that was part of the dream that I never wanted to hear again. I swear, I'd hear it in church for years, and I truly would suddenly have to go potty. It still scared me. In real life, in 1982, Granny collapsed in the bathroom of the nursing home. The nurse on duty? Anne. My brother and I stood in the kitchen as my parents answered the phone near our couch. Too many parallels and I never put it together until I was in college. When I did put the pieces together, I got totally freaked out. I mean, shaking freaked out.

And to this day, there are times I wish I had my granny here. There are things I'd love to ask her, granddaughter to grandmother, knowing that she would love me and simply love to be with me. Grannies are good for that sort of thing. I'm sad knowing that my mom probably isn't going to be a granny herself, at least not biologically so from me. She has two wonderful children whom she "nannied" for a while and who call her Nana or Nanny..... not the same. My mom lives vicariously as Granny through other people's children. Again, God has a plan and purpose to it, so one day we'll all understand.

Grannies. Nothing like them. And if you can still call yours, do so post-haste, for those of us who can only dream of it.

Being Blanche DuBois

2011-02-24T18:16:00.002-05:00

"I have always depended upon the kindness of strangers." -- Blanche DuBois, A Streetcar Named Desire

After the last couple of days, I have come to realize that I could not be Blanche DuBois. Well, that goes for a lot of facets of her story, but especially in being reliant upon the kindness of strangers.

There's a birth order joke about t-shirts for those of us who are not only oldest, but practically "only" because of the gap between siblings. For us, our tee shirt is "Leave me alone, I'll do it myself." Very apropos for me.

I say all that because this week, I was forced to depend upon the kindness of others -- not necessarily strangers, but just others. My car was in the shop for an extended time. Like most Americans, it isn't the flag or the Constitution or any of that which best symbolizes our independence and freedom. Our vehicles are just that, the path to freedom and independence. As long as we have our wheels, the world is ours. No wheels and we are crippled.

Tomorrow, things get back to a routine schedule. And as much as I relish the idea of being a total free spirit, the truth is that I need "flexible restraint" in everything..... and my wheels. I need my wheels! :)

No, I shan't be Blanche DuBois.

Perspective

2011-02-20T20:03:00.002-05:00

I have been busier than a one-armed paperhanger lately. And everything that was nicely ordered in my world prior to January 1 has gone BOOM! I could go on and on and do a whole post or two about those things.

But none of that seems important right now. My best friend's husband was taken back for his second surgery in 5 days -- his 4th in less than a year (maybe 5th? I can't remember). It is due to a chronic condition that he's fought since age 12. It's one of those lovely "invisible illnesses." For him, it's something where he's gone years between major episodes -- yet when one does hit, it is a massive disturbance to his life.

I admit, I get more than a little pissed thinking that there's not one but THREE drugs out there for ED... and not saying that it's not an issue, but SRSLY? Is it so damn important for some ol' geezer to get it up for his new 22-year-old Playmate squeeze, that there are this many drugs to help Gramps...... but they can't allocate resources to find cures for diseases that are TRULY disruptive to people's lives: cancer, migraines, gastro diseases, etc.

Don't get me started.

It's perspective. We're sorely lacking in it these days, and I'm as guilty as anyone. But thinking about C & S and their troubles puts me in a different frame of mind about what is really important in life....

Go Away, Grim Reaper!

2011-01-15T16:52:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I found out that a coworker had lost a family member. That makes four ... yes, FOUR ... coworkers who have lost a loved one in about as many weeks. A dad, a mom, a brother, a grandparent. And then another coworker remarked that a former coworker had lost her 20-something-year-old son, very unexpectedly.

One of my retreat team sisters lost her son this week after a battle with cancer. My last great-aunt on my father's side passed away this week; her funeral was today, but I couldn't go. And of course, we have all been made painfully aware of the fragility of life with the tragedy in Arizona last weekend.

I found out yesterday that a friend's father has taken a turn for the worse after a surgery. Another online friend is battling cancer and thanking God that she woke up today and drew breath, because it didn't look so hot the last few days.

Seriously -- can Death not just take a one-day holiday? Honestly?

Hey, 2010.... don't let the door hit you.....

2010-12-30T21:04:00.004-05:00

It is time to say a hearty "SO LONG" to 2010. So many of my friends had a truly horrific 2010, so I think we're all ready to say farewell to it, and look forward in great hope and anticipation to 2011.

Speaking of farewells, this was a year that I saw too many of my dear ones pass. The last of my grandmother's siblings, my great-aunt Clovie, died at the end of March, having made it to 91 years old. She lived a wonderful full life, and so while we were sad, we also looked back with great fondness. In October, I lost Karen, a friend from college, WAY too soon. On the same day of her passing, Uncle Clyde, my aunt's husband of 50+ years, suffered a debilitating stroke, and he passed away about 6 weeks later. Then in late November, Mrs. Stewart, the mom of an old friend, passed very unexpectedly. Her daughter and I have known each other for 25 years now, and Mrs. Stewart was never anything short of warm and welcoming to me, every time I saw her.

There have been just as many stories of people battling all sorts of illnesses. I swore that I have never heard the word cancer as much as I seem to have this past year. And I just found out today that another old friend is battling the disease herself. Dear God, when will this scourge ever end?

My best friend's husband battled his condition all year long, it seemed. Three surgeries, several hospitalizations, and now an additional surgery scheduled in February at the Cleveland Clinic. Another dear friend had foot surgery recently and is still recuperating from that. My friend's daughter who has Dravet Syndrome had a couple of scary episodes - the most recent and scariest one happening just before Christmas.

Then good ol' heart disease, the evil specter that haunts my mother's family, made its presence known in a strange way, reminding us that he lurks in the shadows. In June, Mom became unusually ill, and we found out she had pericardial effusion (a/k/a "fluid around the heart"). The treatment prescribed was ... okay, don't get me started. I begged, pleaded, threatened, bribed, whatever it took to have her go for a second opinion. And in 2 visits, they did more for her than had happened in the weeks prior. A regular stress test became out of the question because her heart was in such poor condition. The chemically-induced test revealed that she'd had a silent heart attack. Her parents died of massive heart attacks. I refuse to stand by and watch that evil specter just take my mother without a fight. If she can't fight him off herself, then by God, she has a daughter who'll gladly take on the SOB and punch him in the nads a time or two.

But it wasn't an all bad year, either. There were little successes and joys along the way. My brother got a job. My friends are adopting a little boy, and they just came home with him right before Christmas. Another friend may be getting her first novel published. My friends Stoney & Jennifer got married, and I got to meet two wonderful families -- so I have a whole new slew of people to love! My goddaughter became a teenager (gasp!) who succumbed sadly to Biebermania (oh child, if you think he's sexy, then an intervention is in order).

And I got a 2nd set of soul-sisters to love. My first set is my d'ranged friends (spelling intentional), and my second set are my Chirp girls. They have both been my lifelines and I could not have gotten through 2010 without them. Period. End of story.

Here's to 2011.... to breathing, to living and moving and having our being, to joy over sadness, to conquering our fears and pains!!

Oh, and I wanna learn to ski this year. Yep. I do.

Best. Thanksgiving. Event. EVER.....

2010-11-24T14:57:00.002-05:00

Live from the Pinedale Shopping Mall......

Happy Thanksgiving - WKRP Turkey Drop - kewego
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This was too good not to pass on....

2010-11-21T19:01:00.002-05:00

The other day, one of my long-time friends had this as his Facebook status:

"Here's a twist on the traditional Thanksgiving custom of giving thanks for all our blessings -- have we made such a difference in someone else's life that they want to give thanks for us?"

That's not food for thought, that's a whole 24-7 all-you-can-eat buffet.

Whenever the Great Reckoning Day is, whether at my death or in some great final moment for us all, I hope that in this life, there is one person for whom I have made a difference and who will witness to it for me. I truly hope that it is because I gave them a kind word, a gentle nudge, or even a bad action of mine that caused a positive reaction in their life. Or perhaps, they saw something in me that gave them pause and because of that, they did a kindness to someone else.

So this Thanksgiving, I am so glad for these people who have made a huge difference in my life, so much so that I want to give thanks for them:

* My parents and brother -- well, duh, because!!
* For my extended family -- aunts & uncles, cousins, new additions, whomever you are. You have shaped my life even more than I realized. For my cousins especially, I am cherishing the time I get to know you more as adults. Fate made us family; love is making us friends.
* My best friend and her family -- you truly are the sister I never had, and it doesn't seem as if we've only known each other for 23 years; it really feels as if it's been all my life, anyway. You & The Mister have loved me and welcomed me as family. You have trusted me as godmother to your children. We have shared our deepest sorrows and highest joys. And for being strong enough to share your faith with me, I am truly eternally grateful. You took a chance on me as a friend and fellow sojourner. For that, my heart is without words, just tears of gratitude.
* Tal & Sera -- for reaching out to me, a total stranger, not knowing anything other than my name, my website, and a few factoids that I shared. If you didn't know already, when I read that first e-mail from y'all, I sat here crying like a baby (speaking of tears). You didn't know how battered my self-worth was at that point in my life ..... all that mattered was "Hey, this girl sounds like she might be a nice friend." For all the joys you have brought into my life, and the friendships we share, thank you!!
* Dr. E and Debbie C. -- for believing in me when I wasn't sure I believed in myself. You both said I could do it, and so... I did.
* My CRHP sisters -- because you listened to my story, separated the wheat from the chaff, and loved me anyway.
* My "sisters of the pasture" -- you are there for me in ways you probably cannot even begin to fathom. In short, I love you all more than Paula Deen loves butter.
* To a couple of people whom I shall simply call "The G" and "Voldy" .... I even thank you. Even though at the time, you had hurt me in more ways than I thought a person could hurt, it is because of that pain that I am stronger and better. In short, I became everything I didn't know I could be. I can hope that you never intended for things to have been so difficult, but out of that difficulty was born the person I was meant to be anyway. Every birth has pain .... so oddly enough, thank you for being the midwives for the new and improved me.

So this week, count your blessings, and pray that you are blessing and grace to others.

Very strange thing this weekend....

2010-11-07T19:58:00.002-05:00

I had gotten an e-mail about becoming part of a lymphedema network registry to stay on top of the latest news, hear opportunities for research, etc. I went to their site, signed up, and am looking forward to hearing more about their work.

The timing was especially strange and yet very timely. For the first time that I can remember since my treatment started, I am having some difficulty. It's not something that's affecting my daily life, but it's something I haven't before experienced. I feel as though I am really retaining fluid, and I especially feel it in my left foot and toes. My left leg is the one that was worse than my right leg, and so is probably a little more sensitive to the changes.

From my viewpoint, it doesn't look as if I'm retaining fluid, at least not to a great degree. But the foot feels tight, the legs feel heavier than usual, and even my fingers and hands feel puffy. Earlier this year, I did have about a week where my hands felt the puffiness worse than any other place, but I'd also not been watching my sodium (and had apparently overindulged). The only thing I can think of is that earlier in the week, my foot had hurt as I was doing some calf lifts. So I attributed the soreness and the aches to that. Now, I don't know........ might it have something to do with the lymphatic system instead?

But rather than focus on the why's, I need to focus on what I can do........ keep exercising, watch my sodium intake, breathe deeply, and move forward.

***

BY THE WAY.......... if you are in Upstate SC, the 2nd meeting of Upstate Monarchs is this Tuesday, November 9 at 5:30 PM at Earth Fare in Greenville (Pelham Road). Upstate Monarchs is a new lymphedema support group, helping us learn to live with lymphedema. If you or someone you know has lymphedema, please come join us!!

I am coming to believe...

2010-10-17T14:10:00.002-04:00

that kitchen tools and gadgets are the invention of someone with a lot of stock in Johnson & Johnson. Because apparently, I can't work a simple vegetable peeler without slicing at least one finger open at any given point. My left thumb was the victim last night as I was peeling a butternut squash.

Sure, I could buy the squash already pre-cut. But there is something ..... I don't know what the correct word would be. When I chop and dice and peel and cut and all that myself, I feel even more connected to the whole food prep process. I think, "this is the way that generations of women before me helped prepare food...." and I feel more deeply connected to them. I feel more deeply connected to the growing process -- to the farmers who grew the item and sent it on to the store, or brought it to the farmer's market, and to the food itself. I know it sounds insane, but there's an energy to the whole preparation process, and there is a beauty to the rhythm in chop-chop-chop. To do all this is almost a spiritual exercise. It takes time and effort and expending yourself for something else to come about.

This is why I love cooking, in spite of the nicks, bumps, bruises, and other kitchen mishaps. There is nothing quite as satisfying as the ability to give people nourishment for their bodies and perhaps at the same time for their spirits and souls -- and for yourself as well. Can't buy that at a drive-through!

I had this great post

2010-10-06T22:37:00.002-04:00

all worked up about Dwayne Jarrett's 2nd DWI and how I'm tired of entitlements... not just in athletes and celebrities, but in society.

But then, around 9:15 PM, that all changed. I found out that another frat brother of mine has passed away -- also very unexpectedly and WAY too young. She had recently had surgery but seemed to be bouncing back very well. I don't know all the details, but I can tell you that my brain refuses to wrap around the idea of losing another one so soon.

She was only weeks older than me. She'd just turned 41; I will in 19 more days. People our age are not supposed to die. What the flip is going on with my generation? She leaves behind a husband and two teenagers (daughter & son). That's two friends I've had pass away, leaving teens behind. This is wrong, wrong, wrong, on more levels than I can begin to think.

So here's my thought for the night: hug and kiss the ones you love. Tell them how much they mean to you. Tell them you love them and why, if for no other reason than, "I just do." Make the time to do so. If you had only five minutes left, you surely wouldn't spend it blogging or working on a spreadsheet or doing anything else other than telling people how much they meant to you -- so why wait? Do it now.

Karen, we will meet again. Until then, you & Carolyn behave up there. God's got both hands full anyway -- HA!!!

It's the most wonderful time of the year....

2010-10-05T20:29:00.002-04:00

Not Christmas. GAK! Deliver me, O Lord ........ no, friends, the most wonderful time of the year is now: Autumn.

Autumn -- the world in all its radiant splendor, with fire-drenched color and crisp weather. The smell of the Northern Hemisphere moving toward dormition. The tastes of crisp fresh apples and hearty squashes, and the warmth of hearth and home. Harvest has come, let us enjoy what we have and be thankful for the year that it took to bring this moment to fruition.

Autumn -- when manly men suit up in tight spandex with bulging pads underneath and crush each other on a field of green over a piece of pigskin (and if that's not a reason to rejoice in this world, then nothing is). These same men will play their games until the chill of winter .... and then move it all to a subtropical locale to play their post-season bowls (college) or championship game (Super Bowl) because, hey football is a moneymaker, and that's what it's all about, right? But I digress...... The love of the game.

Autumn has always been my favorite season: spring makes me sneeze, summer is great but always too hot, winter... meh. But autumn. Maybe it's the introvert in me -- the cook who loves to prepare healthy yet hearty (and heart-felt) meals for those she loves. Or the girl who thinks a true treat is being next to a fire and enjoying the crisp air around her too.

I wait all year for these sweet months of autumn.......

Some random Tuesday thoughts

2010-09-21T06:45:00.002-04:00

* I had a busy weekend, preparing for and being part of the team that presented the Christ Renews His Parish women's weekend. What a joy and delight it was! I am tired and yet strangely energized. There's so much I could say and not enough time to write it all down. To the ladies at the Joyful Hearts table, my deepest gratitude for all that you taught me over the weekend. To my sisters on the team, mille grazie isn't enough to thank you for your presence in my life.

* It was so sad to learn last night of Kenny McKinley's passing at age 23. He was a Gamecock who was playing for the Denver Broncos. The police's initial findings are consistent with a self-inflicted gunshot wound. I really hope that it wasn't the case, but if it is, then it's doubly sad. If you ever feel you have no reason to go on, please for God's sake, reach out to someone. Call 1-800-SUICIDE, and you'll reach the Kristin Brooks Hope Center. They can help. And my thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who loved, cared for, and played with or against Kenny McKinley and will miss him so very deeply.

* Do you ever have a "mulling" day? I am so far today.... Not really into talking, just mulling over things in my head. But that's okay.... I'm going to have a "thoughtful Tuesday" instead.

Invisible Illness Week

2010-09-15T06:46:00.002-04:00

This is National "Invisible Illnesses" Week -- a way to educate/advocate for all of us who do deal with an illness, just not an obvious or visible one. I actually have two, since I also deal with migraines; however, mine are so minimal by comparison that I would rather let those who deal with them on a daily basis speak on that topic. But this is the 24-7-365 one for me.......

30 THINGS ABOUT MY INVISIBLE ILLNESS YOU MAY NOT KNOW

The illness I live with is: Primary Lymphedema (I shall abbreviate as PLE). It is a condition in which the lymphatic system does not circulate properly and swelling can occur at the site of damage. Primary is congenital and most likely hereditary. It can manifest itself in early childhood, after puberty, or after age 35. Secondary lymphedema is caused by some trauma or removal of lymph nodes (example: cancer surgery). In so many women, they develope SLE in the arms or sides because of mastectomy. In my own particular case, it was probably present all along, is definitely hereditary (have a cousin with the same condition, just recently diagnosed as well in her late 60s!), and began to manifest itself sometime between ages 14 and 19. I can't pinpoint an exact time.
I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2008.
But I had symptoms since: Who knows? First manifest around 1985-ish?
The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: needing support garments almost 24/7 (not in the shower or pool).
Most people assume: that it's more of a cosmetic condition than a medical one.
The hardest part about mornings is: needing the extra time to unravel bandages, re-roll, remove additional compression aids, AND put on the compression wear after showering. I've managed to get the compression hose on in about 5 minutes, but when I get a new pair, it's a few extra minutes for that.....
My favorite medical TV show is: does "Forensic Files" count?
A gadget I couldn’t live without is: well, nothing that directly affects my condition, but my MP3 player.
The hardest part about nights are: summer nights, when I'm wearing tubiform stockings, compression aids, AND 2-3 sets of bandages per leg. SWELTER!!!
Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. Okay, about 10 vitamin/supplements, and 1-2 pills each day (not related to lymphedema; no pills for that!)
Regarding alternative treatments I: am already utilizing them.... well, I don't consider MLD (manual lymphatic drainage) an alternative treatment, but some physicians do, I'm sure.....
If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I don't know which I would choose. There are times "invisible" is better, but you get so weary of explaining, "yes, I have an illness; no, it's not some quacked-up quasi-illness.... do you want to see information on it, because I can give you more than you'd ever want.
Regarding working and career: I still get to work, but I have PT every two weeks, and so I work it as my lunch hour .... and if there's a difference, I make it up by staying late or coming in early.....
People would be surprised to know: lymphedema isn't just a "cosmetic" condition but if untreated, it can lead to serious issues.
The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: this is 24/7/365 for the rest of my life. In my case, it's congenital and so I have to manage it, the same way that anyone with a chronic condition has to manage theirs.
Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: nothing. I didn't realize I had this condition until I was 38 and so I just always DID with it anyway.
The commercials about my illness: What commercials? Totally not on the commercial radar .... and thank God because there's not a drug out there to be advertised for it.... so none of the "what a wonder drug, here are the 40 million ways it could kill you" ads.
Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Going support-hoseless.... I do in the shower, and a couple of times when I have had a migraine develop, I've gone to bed unwrapped or unhosed. And I won't be able to do hot tubs, saunas, steamrooms, etc. again. But otherwise......
It was really hard to have to give up: my razor. Yep, I'm not allowed to use a single-blade, double-blade, quatro-blade, or any blade. Electric razors, those are fine. But if I nick the skin and infection sets in, the protein-rich lymphatic fluid is nothing but a breeding haven for bacteria..... :( Le sigh. So I don't get quite that silky smoooooooooooooth closeness. Hmm, wonder if lasering my legs would be okay! And Nair/Neet STINK (literally).
A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: hmm.... cooking? Nothing really. It's a condition but not necessarily life-limiting. It's as limiting as I allow it to be. If I don't take care of myself and do the right thing, then yeah, it's limiting.....
If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: go hoseless!! :D
My illness has taught me: more about the way the human body works. I had so little knowledge (still do, I think) about the body's many, varied, interesting detox/elimination processes.
Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: well, about the condition: nothing. Not that I'm not ready to advocate, but most people don't ask much more than "so what do you have to go to PT for?" You do a short explanation, and it's like, "Oh. Wow. Didn't know there was such a thing...." and that's as far as it gets.
BUT I love it when people: ASK QUESTIONS!
My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: my thought is that I have this condition, it does not have me.
When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: do not hesitate to learn about the condition, and DO NOT miss an MLD treatment, and FOLLOW THEIR INSTRUCTIONS. Yes, it's a colossal pain in the @$$ to bandage every night or use a pump (if you have fibrotic skin), but it beats bout after bout of cellulitis all to hell. I had ONE bout, extremely mild, no open wound -- and it STILL took 3 weeks of antibiotics to get it under control.
Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: well, for me, it was the fact that after 20-ish years of untreated and undiagnosed PLE, my skin had not become fibrotic, or otherwise horridly disfigured. I consider myself TREMENDOUSLY lucky in that respect. Even my physical therapist was VERY surprised. In some ways, it was almost like it had just recently started happening, instead of having 20 years or so of this condition.......
The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Just listening to me.
I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I believe in advocating and educating. The more you know......
The fact that you read this list makes me feel: happy -- and that I have made a little difference in helping people learn and understand

Do you have an "invisible illness"???? Click http://invisibleillnessweek.com/ to learn about Invisible Illness Week, and consider participating in "the note" project!

It Is Now Official....

2010-09-09T21:21:00.001-04:00

As of today, September 9, 2010, I am an "Old Fart" (R) : I ordered my first set of bifocals.

I've worn glasses or contacts since I was 15. Twenty-six years of wearing single-vision lenses has been good to me. But it's only been in the last few weeks that I've noticed that I don't need to sit quite as closely to the TV, computer screen.... or to have the hymnal or choir pieces quite so close either.

Welcome to your 40s, kiddo!!!

Slipping the surly bonds of earth....

2010-09-05T07:46:00.006-04:00

For the first time in a while, I had to fly on business. Most of the time, I don't travel for work, or at least no travel beyond driving distance. After one particular leg of this flight, I was swearing the same thing: "If I can't drive there, I won't be there."

Chicago beckoned, so onto the big bird I went. Every song about flying or traveling was going through my head -- by the time we landed in Chicago, I was humming Arlo Guthrie's "Coming into Los Angeles" (wasn't about to sing the words, heck no!). G-vegas to the ATL was a piece of cake: 30 minute flight. ATL to O'Hare ... it was all good until the final descent/landing. I mean, at one point in the flight, I was thinking, "You know, I ought to ask the attendants about their careers. I mean, if something ever happened, it would be really cool to do this." By the time I was leaving the plane, I felt like saying, "You're a braver soul than I, Gunga Din!"

I don't know what happened: the descent angle, the time of day, the stress and trying to find my travel party (coming in from various airports)... but I got sick. UGH!!!!! I made it into the terminal, called the lead in our party and got on the bus to the rental car facility where we were to meet. Turns out, I landed at Terminal 2, they were at Terminal 3 and ended up on the bus at the same time. We got going but between O'Hare and our hotel, she had to pull over for me.

How embarrassing. Here I am, a grown woman, with a nice job, terrific friends and family, and a good life (on the whole), and I'm frickin' crippled by motion sickness and migraines (yeah, I think one of those might have been beginning to build as well). I know it's not anything I can control, necessarily, but I mean really. So I missed dinner that night while nursing my aching head, neck, shoulders, and stomach.

However, I must say that I got to nurse myself in grand style!!! Highly recommended: Hilton Garden Inn's beds. Yes, you can buy them online, too. However, no way am I going to spend that much on myself right now. But lush and lux they are: oh my! I think I sank into the bed and barely moved. Divine, just plain divine.

The next morning, we took a tour of a sister company, and one of their specialty labs that does work across the company. It was truly amazing to see everything they do and how it's put to use in the real world. After the tour, it was on to the Corporate offices, and into 2 days of meetings (well, one afternoon, one morning, and then a short meeting for our team). But on the drive up, I couldn't help but chuckle. I saw a turnoff for Harvey, IL -- and I wanted to go soooo badly, just to see the shell of the Dixie Square Mall. One day, my plan is to get back to Chicago and make a tour of all the locations from The Blues Brothers. But I digress.

For dinner that night, we went to The Glen Town Center -- it's a shopping/living/dining area (apartments/condos over the stores or restaurants). It's kind of like downtown Greenville combined with Shoppes at Greenridge. Pretty neat idea, I must admit. Dinner was at The Yardhouse -- I had a salad and the spicy tuna roll, which was not sushi-like at all. To be fair, the waitress did tell me that it wasn't a typical sushi roll. However, may I suggest that they call it a tuna cake instead? Because that's pretty much what it was. Tasty, to be certain: tuna over the spicy sauce over an edamame layer. I could only eat about half; it was good, but the salad filled me up, as well as our non-cocktail hour offerings.

After our team meeting on Tuesday, my local counterpart and I had to head back to the airport. Our Group HR Director called a ride for us from a company with whom they have an agreement. The limo driver showed earlier than we expected (or told them to arrive) and at the loading dock ... oops! But he got us to the airport in plenty of time.

One small complaint to the fine people of O'Hare International: for all the air traffic you encounter, you might want to talk to the TSA about a grant for more security stations! The security lines were way longer than necessary, and when I finally got to my gate, they were boarding already! I wasn't late-late, but surely later than I like to be. It would have been nice to have time to grab dinner from somewhere, even if it was "Sammies 2 Go" or something. Thank goodness I had a few minutes to spare at Hartsfield. By the way, a huge tip-of-the-cap to the pilots for the ORD-ATL leg on a fabulous job for both takeoff and landing (hardly even noticed them!).

So what's next on the agenda? Putting all these timetables from the meetings into action this week!! :)

Doing it right....

2010-08-30T21:49:00.002-04:00

One of the things we discussed a few weeks ago in our Weight Watchers meeting was never counting the things we do right, but harping on and beating ourselves up over the ONE thing (or two) that we did wrong. I'm as guilty as anyone -- trust me on that!

Over the last few weeks, I have had this odd sense ... the feeling that I can't do anything right some days. We all have moments like that, or even a couple of days gone haywire that do that to us, but the recurring feeling is not me. I don't know why, and I surely don't like the sensation. So I am making an extra effort to focus on the good things I do, in all aspects of my life......

So here's my list of recent successes:
* I take healthy foods for my meals and snacks.
* I work out and was very proud of what I did this weekend.
* I have really prayed for people and their needs, and know that they are doing the same for me.
* I have worked to reconnect with those who mean a lot to me.
* I have advocated for my mother's health, and feel as if we're back on track to getting the answers we need.

I'm especially proud of the last one: Mother is as stubborn as her daughter, and if I'd had to take her bound and gagged, kicking and screaming, I would have. Worth every bit of effort to get her there. And now we have a path to go on. I don't know all the answers, but we're getting there.

I have an alter ego

2010-07-25T18:18:00.002-04:00

Her name is Suzy Homemaker.

Suzy is a fiend in the kitchen. When Suzy takes over, watch out world. So what did Suzy come up with over the last few days?

1. Two appetizers for a Weight Watchers meeting, straight out of two of their cookbooks. The first is a granola-bar-like cookie. The other is a tartlet (phyllo shells) filled with caramelized onion, chopped Canadian bacon and some shredded reduced-fat Swiss. I thought for sure that at an early morning meeting more people would enjoy the cookie-ish dish. Flat wrong: I made 36 bars (um, Suzy made them, sorry!), and brought home about 24 or so. I made 40 tartlets and brought home... 10 or 12? Either way, they were good!

2. A coffee-braised beef roast with caramelized onions .... one word: a prolonged mmmmmmmm. Can't wait to take some into work tomorrow for lunch. Slurp.

3. My .... er, Suzy's .... famous mustard-chicken barbeque (pulled chicken). Remember, it is the South and barbecue is a NOUN, not a verb!!! "We're having a barbecue" in about 40 states translates down here to "We're cooking out/grilling (out)." This is done in the slow cooker with 3 ingredients. Suzy & I (ha ha) put 4 cups of the mix in the freezer for future use, as well as a cup & a half in the fridge for use this week. Mmmmm.

Suzy is about to work her magic on some ground chicken breast to create some burgers. Gotta think how I want them.... one patty each with different seasonings, or four just alike? I mean, one as teriyaki or another as chipotle lime and yet another with wasabi..... gotta think on this.

I am still alive and around....

2010-07-22T21:07:00.002-04:00

Just been really busy and stressed and trying to be the duck.... you know, calm on the surface and paddling like hell underneath.

July has been strange, in many ways. Mom's health is still up-and-down, and my own health concerns have taken a backseat. My best friend's husband has been in the hospital most of the month so far, with difficulties from a recent surgery cropping up again. Work has been busy but at least not crazy-insanely so.

I can't think of much else to say right now. But I will write more after my day trip tomorrow to Alabama.

SO proud of them!

2010-06-30T20:58:00.001-04:00

Congratulations to the University of South Carolina baseball team for winning the NCAA College World Series. I am not a USC alumna, but I love Gamecock sports. And I SOOOOOO enjoyed watching them claw their way to this championship.

They will forever be the champs, as well as the last team to win the CWS at Rosenblatt Stadium.

WONDERFUL job, Coach Tanner! FANTASTIC work, players! You make us all thrilled!

Best question I've heard in ages

2010-06-06T12:00:00.002-04:00

So I was sitting in church this morning, conversing with a soprano in our choir, and we were talking about voting on Tuesday. I mentioned that I normally LOVE the campaign season but this particular one has done nothing but disgust me. Jane said, "Oh good, so answer this for me...... if everyone is such a conservative, exactly WHAT are we conserving?"

I had a brief moment of silence, and the cynic in me replied before I could shut myself up: "Conserving the idea that what's mine is mine, screw you."

But I'm right.

For all the talk of family values and moral fiber........ REALLY? When did selfishness and greed and isolationism and ignorance and "go back to your own kind" become a good thing? For all their talk of being good Christian people, and their photo ops outside of churches and their stories of how their deep faith and strong family saw them through..... no one has the testicular/ovarian fortitude to say, "None of what we stand for politically has any connection to the values I nod my head in assent to on Sundays." These things are NOT Gospel values, and I for one would love to see the candidates stop talking about how their values are good for SC. Values like that are not good for my state, or its people.

I'm all for bringing business to our state. God knows, we need it, but we're whoring ourselves out in tax breaks to get them here. And in doing so, we're mortgaging our public educational system (which God knows needs all the money it can get), and a million other projects that all need tax money to survive. "Uh Chief? Sorry, we're $18 million short on revenue, but hey we created 180 jobs!" Sure. 180 minimum-wage jobs or part-time jobs, or a combination of the two. We might as well just set up a jar on the nightstand and put a shingle on the statehouse steps advertising our going rates.

I'm all for reforming the immigration system, but I'm definitely NOT in favor of the "you ain't from around here, are ya boy?" attitude that is way too pervasive (and not just in my home state). It is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. No one is going to be entirely happy with whatever consensus and compromise is reached but ignoring it hasn't worked either.

So again...... just what are we conserving?

***

Speaking of conservative politicians, I don't agree with her politically, but I will say that I like the way Nikki Haley has handled the accusations and allegations slung her way. And you will never convince me that the Good Ol' Boy system here in good ol' South Cack isn't behind it because they're threatened by her: a strong woman, from a different cultural background, who wasn't brought up on a Protestant church bench from infancy up. And SHE of all people has actually had a very good response -- basically saying, "None of it's true, and I'm ignoring it and moving on." When South Carolina's latest embarrassing politician opened his idiot mouth (yeah, Jake Knotts, I mean you), and then said, "What's wrong, she can't take a joke?" he sounded more like a playground bully .... threatened by a girl who could kick his butt in short order and move on to the next one. Like I said, she and I will never see eye-to-eye on the issues, but I give her full props for not giving him the time of day ... almost could see her rolling her eyes and saying, "Well, one more idiot down, thousands of others to go."

For Memorial Day

2010-05-31T21:01:00.004-04:00

This song just flat gets me, every single time. I cannot help but mist up listening to the lyrics and thinking of all those who make the ultimate sacrifice for my freedoms.

"No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends." -- John 15:13

Funny things happened last night

2010-05-22T21:36:00.005-04:00

I am slack. I know. You don't need to remind me of that! So what's going on in my world? Work, as always; hey, gotta pay the bills! WW training and work and meetings and sharing my story. Church meetings and workshops and events galore. Starting personal training and trying to get my body back on track.

Last night I had to stop by Wally on the way home. I had a coupon for a great snack and the only place I've found it is a Supercenter. I stopped at the one nearest work, got out my insulated bag and a couple of other bags for my goodies, and got to the checkout line. The girl was putting everything she could in the insulated bag, and then had just a couple of items for the other. I was glad that it only took 2 of the 3 bags I brought in -- and she looked at me and said, "That makes you happy?" (like, "Good Lord, girl, what kind of happy pills are YOU on?")

Well, yeah. It's a Friday night, I got mostly everything I needed to get me through the next week for food, and I remembered to bring my bags with me to the store (something I'm trying to get better about doing). It might not have been winning the lottery, but it was a good feeling. So YEAH, I was happy.

Then later on last night, I wore out my blender......... and sadly, not due to mixing margaritas. I wore it out with smoothies. Yes, please laugh about it because I have! Ol' Faithful could mix the liquids just fine, but when I put ice or solids into the blender, not so much anymore. I bought a much nicer replacement today, and it's got an "ice crusher" mode! WAHOO!!!! Even better? Bought it on closeout, saw it in another store later on today at TWICE the price I paid for it! SCHUH-WEEEEEEEEEEET!

Long time no blog....

2010-05-01T21:27:00.002-04:00

At least not here. I have a couple of others (as you can see to the left), but lately, I've been woefully neglectful of all of them -- especially my original baby here.

April has been interesting and eventful. Easter came and went and it was just beautiful! I went on retreat with some ladies from church, and it was fantastic. It didn't last long enough, but does it ever? I joke about being a conspiracy theorist (not really, but....); however, I almost would have sworn some cosmic conspiracy was going on. After such a wonderful weekend, this past week has had more stress than you'd believe: car trouble (and being dependent on others for transportation for 2 days) ....... a family member's possible diagnosis of (ahem) "immaculate degeneration" -- to which I thought, "gee, how many family members have had this, and you're surprised you're next?" And, I just purely love the malapropism: immaculate degeneration is far more interesting than macular degeneration, whether age-related, hereditary or a little of both.... (SNORT!)

But you know -- life is good. Life is so good. I'm loved, I love others, I have a job, I have a vision, and while I can whine about minor annoyances, I truly have nothing to complain about! And that, my friends, is worth celebrating!!!!

Joy-driving: road-geekery of another kind!

2010-04-10T15:29:00.003-04:00

Back when gas was a beautiful, lovely, blissful memory at $1.50 or less per gallon, I enjoyed nothing more on a Sunday afternoon than to get in my car and just go. I'd take the roads either previously untraveled, or partially traveled, and just follow them out as long as I could with the time I had, or until I found a road that I knew connected somewhere.......

Today, I was scheduled for a hair appointment about an hour from the house. The hairdresser is an old high school friend, and I am in need of some highlights, so I thought I'd give someone I knew a little of my business. We got some mixed signals, and she had a family emergency anyway, so we're going to reschedule. But in the meantime, it was a great opportunity to just go "joy-driving"!

What is "joy-driving" you may ask? It's when you hop in the car with nowhere in particular to be, go, do, no set time frame to complete anything in........ basically, just finding joy in being and seeing. So from the town where I was supposed to go, I ended up taking the road by my grandparents' graves (and had I not had a more "pressing concern" I'd have stopped for a while). I went into the next little town over, which I rarely visit, but it was nice to go there. I could have traveled four or five different ways to get home at that point, but I stuck to the main road. Once I got back to the next largest town in that area, I decided to go home yet another way that I rarely travel...... well, that, and I also had a bright idea to look for a bakery outlet store. I have become quite enamored of the new sandwich thins, and thought it'd be a great way to pick some up for a good price. I found a store, picked up the bread, and then stopped for lunch. (For thoughts on lunch, see my Weighty Matters blog).

From lunch, I turned onto a road I'd been meaning to travel for quite some time. Amazingly enough, it took me not far from where I would have come out anyway, had I stuck just to the main road..... actually, it carved off a good bit of it. And now, I have another connecting road, if I ever find myself out joy-driving, and can't figure where I am........

Such a gorgeous day and a lot of fun!!!

Happy Easter everyone!!!

2010-04-04T08:02:00.002-04:00

For many years, I was part of an e-mail list for people involved in initiation ministry ... and now and again, one of the list members would occasionally say, "I often wonder just what we are initiating them into." This was usually said when HMC would do something just unexplainable or dumb or head-shaking. And I admit, I still think that on occasion ..... and especially after this week in the church.

Last night, I attended the Easter Vigil and every year, it never fails to move me. I do still occasionally ponder T's question: "Just what are we initiating them into?" And my answer would be: a flawed body that needs your brokenness to help make it whole. Broken as we are, we're still the ones responsible for carrying out Christ's work in the world. Insane as the institution can be, it is still the people who make the Church.

There's a great song by Michael Card that I had forgotten about until I played it on Good Friday. As many times as I've listened to the song, it was like rediscovering a great truth when I heard it again.......

The marks of death that God chose never to erase
The wounds of love's eternal marks
When the kingdom comes with its perfected sons
He will be known by the scars

It is because of the scars that we will be perfected. The love that caused the scars is what we celebrate in the Triduum. You cannot separate Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and Easter. It is one event, so interwoven that you cannot place more importance to any segment over the others. Similar to Easter and Christmas. Without Christmas, there is no Easter .... but without Easter, why would you even need to celebrate Christmas?

Jesus Christ our light is risen; sound the trumpet of salvation! Surrexit Christus, alleluia; cantate Domino, alleluia!

He is risen: he is risen indeed!

And may we stay......

2010-03-28T17:35:00.002-04:00

I was mulling this over at lunch today and planned to post about it. Mea culpa.

I cantored the 12:30 Mass today and was once again reminded that the kids in college are actually young enough to be my kids. Even the seniors -- gasp! I don't think of myself as old enough to be anyone's mother. I know, the mirror tells me differently, as do my license and birth certificate. My aching muscles were certainly letting me know it this morning. Somehow, in my mind, I still think of myself and my friends as forever young. And perhaps in a way we are.

We can't stop thinking of each other in those terms, no matter how hard we try. Even the ones who have been friends for years on end and seen each other through marriages, divorces, children, teens, all the important firsts...... somehow, we're all still a certain age to each other. For my college friends, we're all still around 25. We're out of college and just starting life and we're all still fresh-faced and fresh-brained. The mirror says 40, the mind says 27, and some days my spirit says 12.

And I think we keep each other young -- in the best way -- by doing that. We don't see the wrinkles, the crow's feet, the saggies, the burdens, or anything else. We're all still wonderfully young to each other.

Bob had it right: May we stay forever young!

I haven't forgotten

2010-03-28T16:27:00.005-04:00

.... to make good on my travelogue for the Memphis trip. I have just been swamped, and it's not going to be any better until after Easter.

I'm still alive. Still kickin'. Hanging in, hanging out, and hanging on, to quote Tanya Tucker. (Boy, there's a phrase you don't hear or read every day...)

In the meantime I am working on a posting for both M&M and Weighty Matters (a cross-posting) that I hope you'll enjoy!

UPDATE: Here's the link to the PDF file of the newest playlist (along with comments - like you didn't expect those?)

What a weekend!!

2010-03-16T10:24:00.003-04:00

Had a great time in Memphis! Will definitely blog more later about it, but I am so very happy for Stoney & Jennifer! They are a wonderful couple, and I wish them every blessing in their life together!

Things I need to change....

2010-02-22T07:54:00.002-05:00

1. The number of hours in a day from 24 to 30, ON THE CONDITION that the other 6 hours must be used for me and only me, and at my discretion to do whatever I please......

2. My amount of sleep. I'm not getting enough and haven't for a while. I'm going to have to learn to manage my energies far better than I'm doing now. I've long been hard-wired to not fall asleep before 11:00, but if it takes Unisom by the truckload to get me on a better sleep schedule, I'll just have to renew my Sam's membership.

3. Letting the minor annoyances get to me. I don't know why they do but they do. Frankly, I'm growing tired of the "no wire hangers" sort of thing in myself.

I have a lot of things to work on....... where to start?

Snow. Snow. Snow.

2010-02-13T08:20:00.003-05:00

For the fourth or fifth time this winter, we are having a "winter event"...... only this time, it actually did happen to us. Oh, we've had mild freezing rain and a dusting of snow the other times. And naturally there are always the predictions that never pan out for us (but 30 minutes north of us and oh yeah.....).

This time, it was for real. We got beautiful wet snow at the office, closed up a little early, and I drove home in a pretty snowfall, light and twinkling. I've driven in a couple of other snow events here in my adult life: both were quick and furious with huge flakes and driving winds. The difference between the two is an angry uncle-by-marriage who's stuck watching a gaggle of kids when he'd rather be at a monster truck rally with his buddies ..... and a sweet grandmother who just pulled your favorite cookies right out of the oven, so happy to see you that she can't wait to hug you!

Anyway, it cancelled some of my morning events, but not my afternoon ones. It will be in the upper 30s by noon, so no problems driving. By the time the events are done, it will not be dark yet, so it shouldn't be much trouble driving home.

And it made me think of where I was a year ago....... a beautiful mountain cabin nestled in the Monongahela National Forest of West Virginia. Oh my. It was a butt-cold but gorgeous weekend. Matter of fact, Fasnacht is tonight in Helvetia, and I wish them a beautiful day and pleasant evening (especially for the feast at The Hutte; don't forget your reservations!). We were just outside the Dolly Sods wilderness area, not too far from the Canaan Valley resort area..... I cannot begin to tell you just how beautiful that area is.

So I looked up the weather report for the Canaan Valley area this morning: as of right now, 19.2 degrees F; chances of snow: 90% today, 40% tomorrow, 70% Monday, 30% on Tuesday and Wednesday...... Oh, le sigh. Massive le sigh. I could use a snowbound weekend in a cabin in the middle of nowhere ...........

Again, my friends. Since not this year, perhaps next. But we will do this again. Somehow, someway.

Really? Really?

2010-02-07T12:22:00.003-05:00

So I was perusing Facebook, as I am usually wont to do when I have a few moments. And I noticed one of the lovely ads off to the side: "For Classy Cougars Only!"

One of my cardinal rules in life has been this: things (or persons) which are self-described "classy" generally aren't. I want to say I got that idea from Lewis Grizzard and his description of a personals ad: "Classy SWF age 35-39, enjoys blah blah blah...." and how usually the woman who actually showed up was quite frequently the antithesis of class. I think of those glittery iron-on t-shirts from the 70s: a butterfly with "Classy Lady" detailed below it -- and usually worn by women with heavily bleached hair, eyes with enough liner and mascara to make Rocky Raccoon say, "Tone it down, sister!", and too often with a cig hanging out of their mouth with enough ash on it to rival Mt. St. Helen's. And usually yelling something to someone they knew or screaming at the kids that their daddy was gonna whoop their aaaaaaaassssssssssss (or for those who don't always drag out their words, that's "ass"). Or it also brings to mind a restaurant like "Klassy Kafe" ... usually, a great hangout for the Whiskey Tango crowd. I guess that's where I get the connotation.

And the whole cougar thing.... really? How did those of us who are single and of a certain age get saddled with this predatory moniker? Just because we have a little more confidence and self-awareness at this time in our lives doesn't automatically mean we are out there to pounce on the first willing 25-year-old guy who comes along. When I think "cougars," I think of my college mascot: a perfectly noble creature! When the real cougar goes on the hunt, it is for survival, not because he feels he can and is therefore entitled to. If it were a Far Side world, we would already have the National Large Feline Anti-Defamation League already working overtime on this......

Classy Cougar. If I ever describe myself this way, you'll know I've hit my head and given myself a bad case of brain damage. Feel free to pull a Cher moment: "SMACK! Snap out of it!" I will thank you for it. I promise.

I Love Rock 'n' Roll.....

2010-02-03T21:49:00.002-05:00

but lately, I have been completely enthralled with AOL Radio's "Jazz Vocalists" to listen to while at work.

I think that when it comes to singing, if I were to ever attempt a career in vocal music at this late stage of the game, it would be jazz -- probably Great American Songbook type of things. I purely love when a Billie Holiday tune comes across..... oh my. And I have been floored -- in fact, beautifully pleasantly surprised -- by Renee Fleming.... yes, the operatic soprano has a mezzo voice for jazz that is phenomenal. I've discovered the music of Blossom Dearie other than what I grew up hearing on Schoolhouse Rock.... she's the one who sang about us unpacking our adjectives. Her version of "Someone To Watch Over Me" is absolutely endearing.

I catch myself walking around at work humming tunes and most of them are the jazz standards. Or I'll be singing something in the car and it's got a jazz feel to it. There's not a lot in life that I regret -- I don't like the idea of looking back and thinking "what if?" But these are the times I think, "Yeah, I should have been a vocal performance major."

As much as I completely love rock and pop, I couldn't have sung it. I don't have the grit in the voice. I probably could do indie/Americana stuff.... but it's not me. I do sing church music.... in church. (Just for the record -- attention haters and naysayers: choosing to keep my church music in church has ZERO to do with proving to ANYONE the depth of my love for Christ. God already knows. Now....)

But jazz/GAS stuff.... yeah, I could do that.

Le sigh.

I'm still alive, and well....

2010-01-25T21:45:00.001-05:00

But I am here to tell you this: there is a special level of hell, one that Dante never imagined, for those who create malware, spyware, viruses, Trojan horses and all other manner of electronic evil. But at least, thank you to the guardian angels and patron saints of electronica, we're finally mostly rid of the crap.

More to come.........

My challenge.....

2010-01-11T21:47:00.002-05:00

I haven't done much work on my New Year's Revolution -- at least in terms of actual written plans to increase my positivity. It's been a pretty busy couple of weeks at work and home, and I'm just getting into the swing of the post-holiday routine.

I think one of the things that might help me is to pick back up some hobbies that I had let slide by: pleasure reading, needlework, even writing or working on my short stories/novellas. I miss those things. So I have a stack of books waiting on me...... new needlework patterns were ordered and just arrived today ...... and the novellas/SS's are still on my computer, waiting patiently for my return.

I also plan to do is take more time for myself by reclaiming my Saturdays and Sunday afternoons for whatever *I* choose to do. Saturdays have become a day to do all the errands I can't get to during the week. That's not the way to spend every Saturday. Sundays, I'm usually so pooped I fall asleep in the recliner. Not a way to spend a Sunday either.

Getting myself together -- not a bad plan for 2010!

HAPPY 2010 EVERYONE!!!

2010-01-01T10:08:00.003-05:00

2009 wasn't a bad year altogether, but I am so excited for what the new year will bring!

In a shameless moment of self-promotion, check out my "Revolutions, Not Resolutions" post over on Weighty Matters (my blog about weight, health, etc.). It kind of explains how I feel about resolutions from a health perspective .... and let's face it, at least 75% of most resolutions are all about losing weight, stopping smoking, getting on the workout bandwagon, etc. Anyway, my revolution plan for 2010 is to get a better attitude. While I try to lean to the positive, optimistic side, I see some negative tendencies I have and I don't like. I don't think they're the real me, and this year I need to improve myself in that area.

I guess you could call me a realistic optimist. I hope for the best, plan for the worst, and expect the same-old from people, events, and situations. I don't really want to be a sunshine-n-roses kind of person. That level of happy-happy-joy-joy just makes me itchy. I'm old enough to know that sometimes, life is gonna smack you around, that people are not always whom they present themselves to be, and that things just happen. But I also don't want to be a gloomy Gus or even a misanthrope (though there are times I would relish it, just for a few moments). I have had times when I've been surrounded by negative energy, and I hated those feelings. I felt absolutely horrific and I don't ever want to be in that place again either. So I like being balanced -- but I prefer to be more in the sunshine-n-roses end of the curve than the Eeyore side of the bell. I want to believe that people can surprise me with goodness. I want to focus more on the good things in life and less on those annoying little details that just pull you down.

So my goal for this weekend is to map out a 12-month plan. Tangible ways I can develop a better internal me. The last few years have been (and continue to be) about making the outer me better..... it's time to make the inner me stronger and better too. Oh, not that the external changes haven't helped with that -- Lord knows, I finally grew a backbone during all that time -- but it's time to focus on the internal things a little more closely.

Here's to 2010: better, stronger, faster!!! Oh, and friends? Ever forward!!!!

The swoooooon dive.....

2009-12-30T07:48:00.001-05:00

On the advice of my physical therapist, I saw a vascular surgeon on Monday. No problems, no vein issues, just another ally as I continue to manage the lymphedema. As part of the checkup, they did an ultrasound of my veins. And during the procedure, they mash on your leg to check the blood flow.

Yeah, you can guess what happened. From the description they gave me later, it surely wasn't graceful and it wasn't a swooooon, but a good ol' headlong WHACK onto the .... well, I don't know if it was the floor, the ultrasound machine, the doctor.......

The doctor doing the ultrasound said I took a step forward, he grabbed my shirt to break my fall but came down to the floor with me. All I remember is standing up one second and being on the floor and having a team asking me, "Hello? Are you with us? Can you hear me?" The doctor I was supposed to consult with was helping too, and he was telling me about another fainting incident he was party to .... in Kansas City and involving one of the KC Chiefs players! YOW.

The only problem was that I couldn't stop upchucking, so they sent me for a CT scan. Luckily it was normal -- no bleeding in the brain, but they still sent me home with orders to not return to work until Wednesday. I apparently have a mild concussion, or else they are treating it as such, just to be safe. I also have a gorgeous cut at my eye and a beautiful bruise/goose egg on my left cheek. Not sure if that's from the floor or the ultrasound machine or what. It is a beaut.

I always say that when you wear yourself down to a nub, God has a way of making you rest whether you like it or not. Well, I wasn't quite to nub status (or at least I didn't think so), but wow, God.... this? :D

So I am heading into work today. There are things I absolutely have to do and cannot be done from here at home, so......... A good thought or two or a prayer or several are appreciated!

Low-key and high-enjoyment

2009-12-24T11:49:00.003-05:00

For way too many years, I got caught in the Christmas Crazies...... you know, working hard to make sure everyone has THE perfect gift, that the tree looks JUST right, that everything falls into perfect place. When I worked for the church, trying to make Advent & Christmas nice for all the parishioners AND to make my own holidays good too..... well, it made me a total Grinch. The pre-ghosts Scrooge would have told me to lighten up. For the longest, I just couldn't stand Christmas. An old friend opined (and I heartily agreed) that if she could go to sleep -- a loooong winter's nap -- from December 16 to around January 4 or so, then it would be great.

This year, things are different. I don't know if the November "gratitude adjustment" helped shift my perspective or what happened. I don't know if it was some long-dormant fervent prayer of my heart that finally went silently from my lips to God's ear and stirred His heart. I don't even know if I consciously set out to do it. But at any rate and for whatever reason, I downsized my expectations this year.

And I have enjoyed preparing for Christmas for the first time in a long time.

Did I do shopping? Some. At least 8 years running now without buying any gift from the mall itself. WAHOO!!! The gifts are more practical this year for everyone, less fanciful. That's fine. This is a time for practicality, of determining what is really important. (Ironically, as I type this, my father is discussing buying a new HDTV for the living room and giving me the current non-HD that's there. I'm not sure whether to be grateful or talk them into a more practical plan....).

I've done more cooking and baking -- not that I have a houseful of stuff, just that I've been more of a homebody. Also, we had a homemade/handmade gift exchange at work, so I was trying out some ideas.

Am I over-the-moon, super-hyped? Oh no. You, dear readers, know me better than that. But I am happy and content and calm this holiday season. It's been a year with lots of ups and downs in my family: Mom diagnosed with a manageable condition with no cure; my brother lost his job and is now looking at a new career path; I took on new responsibilities and have often wondered if I can handle it all. Somehow in the midst of all that, there's a calm and peace -- knowing that all is well, all will be well and all will continue to be exceedingly well. Even in an uncertain economy, a contentious culture, a polarized society, with violence and despair and discontent coming out of every news story...... there is peace.

I think of a place in the past where there was war, an occupying army, religious and cultural clashes, an economy that makes our bad one look like a windfall, and a defeated people bereft of hope. And how just at that moment, "eternity stepped into time" and changed everything. Oh, there was still an occupying army. There was still war and poverty and discontent ...... but there was also hope, peace, and light. It was and remains a light that both shines as a beacon and glows in the heart like an ember. It brightens a path and warms a heart.

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it..... And the word became flesh, and made his dwelling among us; and we saw his glory, the glory as of the Father's only Son, full of grace and truth." (John 1:4, 14)

And from one of my favorite Michael Card songs............
"Celebrate the Child who is the Light, now the darkness is over
No more wandering in the night, celebrate the Child who is the Light!"

I am still around and kicking

2009-12-19T19:28:00.003-05:00

I have just had a very busy December. It's always busy, but it has seemed that there's always more to do than time in which to do it ...... so I'm trying to determine what's truly important and what is more expendable. I've had to adjust some things to fit all the important things in, and yet it seems like I'm doing everything I really want to do.

I still have shopping to do -- and had planned to do that this afternoon. I tried to do some during lunch hour this week ...... BAD idea; very bad idea. Lots of honking, unseen obscene gestures (seen by me and God, not by the other drivers), and swearing. It's not worth that sort of hassle to try to save some time. As I said, I planned to shop this afternoon, but my parents decided to drive into NC to see the snow and take the dog. I realized that I didn't want to miss that -- especially since I will still have time to shop tomorrow afternoon, Monday after work, and even into Wednesday if needed.

I've done some baking as well -- we had a homemade gift exchange at work. That was the only requirement: the gift had to be handmade/homemade. I used to cross-stitch years ago, and I even bought material over the Thanksgiving break. But I just didn't have time for that, unfortunately. However, I do bake and enjoy it. I've always enjoyed baking, and now I enjoy the challenge of making food both tasty and healthy. So I made some of the Hungry Girl caramel pumpkin pudding cupcakes for my gift. Yum. Mo. For the gift exchange, nearly everyone made food gifts. Even my coworkers were like, "Oh dear. None of our stuff is something A can enjoy....." As luck, fate, God, the universe, whatever would have it, I happened to get THE ONE GIFT that wasn't food --- one of my coworkers makes those beautiful glass light boxes (you buy a glass box, drill a hole for feeding a strand of mini-lights through and leaves the plug out). OH MY!!! I was over the moon to get that gift -- I can use it all year long (just change out the bow that's on top).

I've been involved with choir -- we had a concert last Sunday and we're getting ready for Midnight Mass. What's so strange is that on the weeks when I think to myself, "I cannot do this. I'm tired, I'm cranky, and I just want to go home right from work...." and I go anyway, I always enjoy it. And we sound good -- not bragging or boasting, just stating a fact. :-)

And in News of the Unexplainable, I've also been waking up early at least 2 mornings a week to go to the gym. Yeah, the girl who's never been a morning person at all is waking at 5:00 and getting over to the gym by 5:20 or so to get in a quickie workout.

With all that, I've had to limit some of my 'Net time. Otherwise, I'd be up half the night and not a happy girl at all. While I love my time online, I haven't really missed too much either. I keep up with my friends on a few mb's and on Facebook and that's all I'm needing right now.

Yep...... right now, things are good, I'm not stressing over the holidays, and I'm looking forward to really celebrating Christmas with a happy heart. Hoorah!!!

Continuing to give thanks.....

2009-11-29T12:33:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow will be my last "gratitude adjustment" post on Facebook (as November is ending), but I am certainly no less grateful for everything. I have appreciated this exercise even more than I expected. I needed to step back and really think about the everyday things for which I am thankful. Here's the latest (since my last post):

11/20: "Today I am thankful for a good boss. I've had wonderful ones and I've had lousy ones. The good ones make it very worthwhile. Hats off to 'JB'!!!"
11/21: "Today, I am thankful for warm socks! I know that sounds silly, but see how thankful you are for them when you're in a cold building! :)"
11/22: "Today, I am thankful for the journey known as life. I am thankful for the companions on the journey and what they have to teach me .... about themselves, about myself. I'm thankful for multiple chances and grace for each moment."
11/23: "Today I am thankful for dress-down week, for a 24/7 access gym, and for coffee waiting when I got home from the gym for breakfast. And thankful for polish that dries in 60 seconds. Important stuff for a Monday morning!"
11/24: "Today, I am thankful that my dental appointment is AFTER Thanksgiving lunch at work! :D I'm also thankful for good dentists & hygienists, and for good strong teeth!"
11/25: "Today I am thankful for a wonderful vet and staff who love my baby to death. And I am thankful that I can bring him back with me to the office this afternoon. I am also thankful that my cooking turned out well last night!"
11/26: "Today, I am thankful for so much, I hardly know where to start: for grace, forgiveness, love, family, friends, and abundance; for friendships made and found again; and my sincere prayers for all who need some level of miracle in their lives. But then again, don't we all? HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE!!!!!"
11/27: "Today, I am thankful for a day off. And I am thankful that I only have two retail places that I *have* to visit today, and not for any BF specials. I do not do Black Friday."
11/28: "Today, I am thankful to be able to help people become healthier, and to share even one or two small things to help them along the way."
11/29: "Today, I am thankful for the start of another liturgical year -- the wonder and anticipation of Advent that makes Christmas a true joy. After all, the real Christmas season is Dec. 25 until Jan. 6, not Black Friday to Christmas Eve at 6:00 PM."

I will continue this exercise, but in a slightly different format. My plan is to keep a daily calendar in Publisher or Word, and put my thanks on each day. Then at the end of the month, posting it online in PDF format or as a link online.

Amazingly enough, I find that while I still have tense moments and crazy days, somehow they haven't seemed quite as bad as I might have expected originally. Ha. Imagine that. If, as Proverbs says, "a merry heart is like a good medicine" how much more helpful to the system is a grateful heart?

Not gonna, no way, no how

2009-11-27T09:53:00.002-05:00

Black Friday sales, that is.

One, I love sleep like a fat kid loves chocolate cake. I never get enough, that's for sure (I know, I know, something I've got to work on). So you definitely were not gonna see my happy rear outside Toys-R-Us or Wally or anywhere else at midnight, 3 AM, 4 AM, 5:30 AM, or whenever. Two, I love warm houses. My internal thermostat went on the fritz somewhere around the 100-pound mark, so I cannot take the cold without being bundled up like I'm doing the Iditarod. Three, are the prices really worth it? Yeah, I can try to snag a laptop advertised at (example) $249. But if the store only has 3, and there are 500 people there also wanting a laptop....... right. I'd rather pay $299 and avoid the madding crowds.

The only places I plan to venture today are..... leaving in 10 minutes to meet a friend to pick up something. Then back home, wait on Mom to get back from a funeral (long story) and then out to Hobby Lobby to browse for something. Other than that....... MAYBE the grocery store.

I have heard via friends on FB that it's not quite as crazy out there today as it has been before. I remain unswayed .... it's just not worth it!

The Gratitude Adjustment / Channelling HRHJCB

2009-11-19T21:00:00.004-05:00

You know, it's going fairly well...... I do notice a difference in my attitude. Each morning, shower time has become my time to go, "Okay, really, what *am* I thankful for today?" And it forces me to get that in my head early enough .... and throughout the rest of the day, it forces me to really think about being more grateful for everything that comes my way. Here's my list so far:

11/9: "Today, I am thankful for those who listen to my heart as well as my words. That means more than you know!!!"
11/10: "Today I am thankful for the rain.... I hate that people on the Gulf are getting hammered with it even worse, but thankful that it's also heading our way. We still need it!"
11/11: "Today, I am thankful for all veterans, and for those who serve today. Your sacrifices and hard work make my freedoms possible, and we don't thank you nearly enough!"
11/12: "Today I am thankful for health conditions that make me take better care of myself. They really are blessings in disguise!"
11/13: "Today, I am thankful for my family (immediate and extended) and their love for me through every place and stage of my life."
11/14: "Today I am thankful for bright warm sunshine and crisp air."
11/15: "Today I am thankful for the opportunity to serve God and his people through singing. I am so humbled by the trust God placed in me with this gift, and it's my prayer and hope that I use it properly."
11/16: "Today I am thankful for the ability to look back and say, "Nope, wouldn't change a thing." Every event, every person, every trial and every joy has made me who I am today, and why would I ever want to change that?"
11/17: "Today I am thankful for my friends: you keep me sane, and when needed give me a reality check; you love me in spite of my foibles, failings and flaws; and you make me a better person by your belief in me!"
11/18: "Today I am thankful for my chiropractor - I'll be even more thankful after today's appointment! :)"
11/19: "Today I am thankful for my dog, Maddox. I know that sounds crazy, but I love my buddy so much. He's a good example for my own soul: he loves without regard and without measure."

And I really mean all those things.

***

Now, for those of you who are familiar with the Sweet Potato Queens series of books by Jill Connor Browne, you will certainly appreciate this:

So there I am, getting myself a fill-up and coffee fix at a gas station on the way home, and one of the girls at the checkout counter was bawling her eyes out. I mean, red-rimmed, puffy, etc. and she was telling the other girl about the breakup of her marriage (at least from the little bit that I gathered).

I wanted so badly to both give her a huge hug, and then to tell her "Okay, baby. Starting now, chin up, tits out. He is a man, plain and simple, and you can't make anything else out of him. And the man who is worth crying over won't make you cry." But I didn't -- (a) b'GOCK! b'GOCK! and (b) she might have looked at me and (rightly) said, "Chick, you know NOTHING about my situation so keep your trap shut."

What slew me was when I heard her say, "I never wanted to go through my middle years alone... (sniff sniff sniff)." She looked younger than me. One, I'm thinking, "Middle age? Hunny, when do you think that STARTS because it sure as hell AIN'T 35!" and two, I thought, "Better to be alone and happy than together and in agony." Life is just too short to be in that much misery over a jerk (note: I know full well that NOT ALL GUYS ARE JERKS!!!! There are plenty of good ones out there, and I'm blessed to count several guy friends among them. But this guy was apparently a real weiner... er, winner. Yeah. Pardon me, my Freudian slip is showing....)

So to Jill Connor Browne, thank you a million times over. Thank you for writing Book of Love (the first) and for whatever in the universe compelled me to buy it and read it again and again and FINALLY having the message sink in a few years later: "If you don't like your life, change it." Life is too short to be wallowing in misery, and I really really should have been bolder and told the girl something uplifting. I don't know that it would have sunk in, but I should have tried harder. I just hope she's got a Jill in her life who will tell her, "Okay, enough sniveling because he isn't worth the salt in your tears. Now hold your head up and go conquer the world!"

Go forth and conquer, friends!

Having an attitude of gratitude....

2009-11-08T13:12:00.001-05:00

I generally think of myself as positive -- but I have my moments where I'm given to complaining, and most often about the tiniest irritants in the grand scheme. A real-life "Princess & The Pea" moment.

For example, I am practically OCD when it comes to kitchen storage things. I know, I laugh about it and yet it's really sad. My brother even half-jokingly refers to me as the female version of the husband from "Sleeping With The Enemy." (No, I don't need the towels to be stripe-side out, and even-lengthed, nor do I need cans with brand name facing out. If anything, I'd turn cans nutrition facts label out -- HA!) The prime example is this: I have a lot of Ziploc/Gladware plastic that I use to take my lunch in -- everything from 1 cup bowls to larger storage things. Now, even as messy and unorganized as I am, I am a real stickler for making sure it's all stacked to minimize clutter and maximize my ability to find them in a hurry (which is most mornings). I truly get all whacked out when they're thrown up into the cabinet haphazardly. I have yelled, begged, cajoled, etc. and all it does is make me super-stressed out.

This is just an example of what I mean -- it's the little things that really don't mean anything, that I'm allowing to stress me out...... when I ought to just be grateful for having the items, for having a way to wash them and keep them clean, for having a house to put them in, and food to put in them. So many things I should be grateful for --- and like an idiot, I focus instead on the part that matters least.

In my heart of hearts, I know I am blessed beyond belief and I really am grateful for all those things in my life. I have more than I need, more than I want, I have health and I have family and friends, and I have a job (such a blessing!). I have the ability to think, to create, to move and walk and breathe without assistance. There are such overarching blessings that I feel like a total, complete heel for the penny-ante whines.

So I really want to work this month on my "attitude of gratitude." I want to stop focusing on those stupid little things and instead be glad for what those irritants mean

Less whining about the dishes in the sink, and more grateful for the ability to put food on them.
Less screeching about dirty clothes that pile up, and more drop-to-my-knees-in-praise for having more than one item to wear and the means to keep them washed.
Less peevishness about little crap that really doesn't matter, and more rise-up-and-cry-out about things that really aren't right with the world.

From all the petty concerns -- deliver me, Lord. For the things that truly matter -- make me grateful, Lord. From those who have the least in material goods and the most in spirit -- give me the wisdom to learn from them, Lord. For those who need me to speak for them -- give me boldness to do so, Lord.

The Gang still rides......

2009-10-31T21:36:00.003-04:00

Another weekend, and I have more apple butter cooking up overnight. There were two pecks of apples to use, so........ It's about 6-1/3 pounds or so of apples before peeling and coring. So I figure it's about 5 pounds of apples afterwards. And I still have quite a few apples left to eat (my adored Pink Lady kind).

And I just realized I left out the spices! Crap! I remembered the Splenda but not the spices. Dang it. Need to go add it really quick!

The Apple Butter Gang.....

2009-10-24T18:06:00.004-04:00

Forgive this walk down Memory Lane, but when I was a kid, I got a great thrill out of Movie Saturdays at the elementary school. You see, one of my Girl Scout friends had a dad who had a great love for movies. On Saturdays during the school year, and occasionally in the summers, Mr. H would show movies to the kids using the projector. These were the days when movies and films in class were shown with big honkin' projectors and you had to get the reels just so......... Kids today have no idea how good we had it.

For the grand princely sum of 50c/week, we got to see not one but TWO kid-friendly movies in the cafeteria. Mr. H also provided popcorn and cotton candy for a little extra money. The movies were the great Disney 70s fare like Bedknobs and Broomsticks, The Cat From Outer Space, the original Freaky Friday with Jodie Foster, and one of my very favorites, The Apple Dumpling Gang with Tim Conway and Don Knotts. If memory serves, I also saw the first Superman with Christopher Reeve on one of those Saturdays.

But anyway, last Saturday, I became a one-woman Apple Butter Gang. As I mentioned in my last post, I got possessed, bought 3 pecks of apples, and found a very easy crock-pot apple butter recipe online! The adventure of making apple butter was more like a misadventure from one of the Apple Dumpling Gang movies -- and just as much fun! These are some of the things I learned from my great apple butter adventure:

The crock-pot that I thought was 6 quarts is only 5. Oh well. What can you do? Okay, what I really wanted to do was get my happy rear to Kohl's for the 8-quart crockpot they had on sale earlier this week. Like I need it. I do. Don't I?
Whomever created the recipe has a serious sweet tooth! :) The original recipe called for 2 c sugar for three pounds of apples. It said you could substitute Splenda. So I did. And let me tell you.......... 1.5 cups of Splenda was PLENTY for 6 pounds of AB's -- honestly, almost too much. I could have gotten away with just 1 cup of the Brown Sugar Splenda.
When it says cook on Low for 8-10 hours, go with the 10. I ended up putting the apple mush in the fridge until Monday evening, then getting it out to cook down some more. And honestly, I could have let it go for maybe even 11-12? These were some seriously juicy apples!
Five quarts of apple pieces will cook down by half. What I thought might be 1 gallon (4 quarts) of apple butter was only 72 oz (9 half-pint jars). Yeah, that's still a buttload of apple butter. And I have more to make ..... I gotta do something with these apples! We will also be making and freezing some applesauce too. MMMM!!!!
And, homemade apple butter definitely beats store-bought! ANY day.

Signing off now!
Suzy Homemaker

It's the only explanation...

2009-10-18T19:28:00.003-04:00

I am possessed. By the demon of domesticity. Her name is Suzy Homemaker.

I hardly have a domestic type bone in my body for things like home cleaning, chores, decor (I'm definitely no Martha Stewart, but I have a vague idea of what works for me). But I am finding myself strangely drawn to the kitchen and whipping up all manner of food.

I went back to the orchard after working yesterday's WW meetings. I bought 3 pecks total: 1.5 each of Pink Lady (my favorite variety!) and of Arkansas Black. I also got the bright idea while standing there in line to make some apple butter.I found a very easy crock-pot apple butter recipe online, and I fired that sucker up today. I used primarily the Arkansas Blacks, with one of the Honeycrisps. I have even made a double batch, so I might be cooking these apples well into tomorrow...... And I don't know what kind of acidic-like stuff is in apples (peelings, fruit itself, etc.), but let me tell you, my hands felt like sandpaper!!! I did an improvised version of Mary Kay's "Satin Hands" routine with what I have on hand at the house, and they're starting to appear human again. I also managed to completely clog up BOTH basins in the kitchen sink Apparently our disposal wasn't really up for the peelings from 6 pounds of apples. Yeah, I know. I ought to start composting if I'm becoming a domestic diva. Actually, I've been thinking about it anyway (my God, what has come over me????).

I had planned to make some ham & potato chowder today as well and freeze it for the winter. I have about 10 quart freezer containers just begging for some soup to be put into them. I've delayed only because I have to also bake some chicken and some turkey burgers for this week. Yeah, I can do it all at once, but Lord have mercy! Too much domesticity and I may burn out! HA!!!

As much as I love kitchen gadgetry

2009-10-03T18:53:00.005-04:00

it has become rather apparent that the gadgets do not love me back........

I am typing to you right now with a band-aid around my right ring finger, top knuckle. That's where I sliced/gouged it on a mandoline, trying to nicely and evenly cut a summer squash. Okay, keep in mind that this gadget wasn't a terribly expensive model -- less a "mandoline" and more of a cheap "slicer" (yeah, you think?).Further proof that you get what you pay for. Happy to report that this will be my LAST accident using said slicer -- I bought a much nicer mandoline a couple of weeks ago. I just grabbed this one out of habit.

Meanwhile, my left thumb and the top knuckle of the left index finger look as though they lost a serious clawfest with a most ill-tempered feline. This was from using the "and if you act now, we'll throw in......" portion of the package. I bought one of those "Titan" peelers that is advertised on TV, and it came with a free julienning tool. Actually, I'm rather pleased with the peeler and the extra gadget. They're both pretty nice.

These culinary preparation disasters should come as no real surprise to those who know me. Remember "danger-prone Daphne" from Scooby-Doo? Or "Messy Marvin" from the Hershey's commercials? Yeah. I'm a relative of theirs.

I have grown to love preparing food. It's been one of the nicer side benefits from the whole weight-loss thing: falling in love with food and how to prepare it, and ways I can make it tastier and better for me. But God knows, while I would love to buy it already-prepped, it's not always an economically sound idea to pay for convenience's sake. Sometimes it is -- don't get me wrong. For instance, as I stare at the ever-reddening bandage, I'm thinking maybe paying more for the pre-sliced squash could have been a good thing.

For me, there's something more "authentic" about doing it yourself. Being part of the preparation can give you a deeper connection to your food and a deeper appreciation for it. Yes, I can buy a can of soup; open and heat, and enjoy for 2 or 3 meals. Or, I can take the time to get all the ingredients, make a huge pot of the soup, eat it for days or freeze it for later, and know more precisely how it was done, what went into it, etc. I haven't gone quite so far as to using ingredients I personally raised with my own little hands; I guess I'm probably more Rachael Ray than I am Martha Stewart. But at least it's a place to start. I can appreciate all the different flavors ... improvise a little with the herbs and spices to suit my own tastes ... ponder the universe and agriculture and all that transpired to bring this food to me. And what the food will do for me once it enters my system .... and how its energy can best be used. What will I do with what the food has given me? How do I respond to that gift? (Yes, let's all hold hands and sing "All Good Gifts" from Godspell, right? Just think about it, okay?)

Where my failures lie are in the mechanics of the preparation. Food and meal prep occasionally requires great patience and an even hand. *SNORT* Okay folks, we need not address my shortcomings in those departments. I'm all too aware of them. So maybe, just maybe, that's the lesson to be learned -- even more so than the "connection to the food and the life cycle and all of creation by extension" portion. I've learned to appreciate the idea of the process, and need to work further on the timing thereof.

****

And in other news............ only 3 weeks to go and I will officially no longer be larva. Color me very psyched!!!!

Fell a little short......

2009-09-26T13:42:00.003-04:00

Today was Race for the Cure 2009. My goal: finish in 45:00, but be happy with anything under 48:00.

There could not have been a more ominous weather forecast. They were calling for BIG rain today, mostly all day. It looked a few times like the sky might just open up this morning. God, however, smiled on us and the rains held off. Now, it was cool .... cool and humid, as opposed to last year's warm and muggy. It's an odd combination but not a bad one. I suppose this is what doing a 5K in London would be like.

I got to the parking garage and went down to the gathering area and vendor stations in the courtyard. One of the things which I should know by now is to not visit vendor tents until after I finish the race. Nope. I go right away and end up hauling it all with me (mistake #1). I didn't get as many things this year or visit quite as many tents. Honestly, do I need another tote bag? No. I did buy a checkbook cover at a t-shirt vendor .... and it was needed. The little plastic one they gave me when I opened this account nearly 5 years ago is just about being held together by a string.

The survivor's walk began, and honestly, that part alone is worth the price of admission. This year, I was especially impressed by the women who are 40+ year survivors. I think about the horrific chemo treatments that were around back then. I know the ones my great-aunt had 30-something years ago and how terrible they made her feel (in addition to the fatigue from her actual illness). To see these ladies smiling and waving to us all .... serious lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

Soon afterwards, we lined up and began. During the first mile, in order to get around some of the slower traffic, I began to walk faster, zigzagging in and out. And in some of the wider spaces, I began to jog (mistake #2). Got to the one-mile point and............... 17:16. WHAT? I know, better than last year's 21:something, but still. That's my usual pace at the office on a walk, where I'm not jogging. But I also remembered that my one-mile pace is usually my worst (because of the slower people and the 1-mile-only crowd mixed together with the 5K'ers). Okay.

So the second mile comes along and it's pretty well uphill a good portion of the way. I pulled off the jacket I had on because by this point, I was definitely warm. Wrapped it around my waist and put back on my sling backpack. A full one, again, thanks to all the vendor stuff I picked up. Not smart, not smart. Anyhow, I walked along and kept an eye out for two of my coworkers who were running it. I didn't see them at all! When I got to the 2-mile mark, my time was around 33:15 (if I remember correctly). Okay, that's a good pace ..... for a stretch where I thought I was doing my worst. Um, okay.

Soon came the time for the turn to begin mile three. I really was getting tired, and I knew I would have to do some jogging if I hoped to have a prayer of seeing 45:00 when I crossed the line. I looked down at my watch when I hit the water station and realized 45:00 was slipping away from me. I looked down a short time later and saw 48:00 had elapsed from the start time. I felt like crying, but instead...... I started jogging. I now would have to be happy with anything short of 56:26, even if it was 56:25.

I saw one of my runner-coworkers: she did 33:20!!!! I was so proud of her, and then she told me our other runner did 30:00 (roughly). WHOA!!!!! Talk about extra proud of them -- the one who finished in 30 just quit smoking earlier this month. He's about 9 days out without a cigarette, and figured that doing this race was good incentive to keep on the healthy track. And she just took up running earlier this year. Amazing, both of them!!!

I got to the final turn and couldn't find the timer that's usually at the finish line. I looked at my watch and guesstimated that I'd have somewhere around 52:00.

Apparently, we got a later start than I thought we had. I saw 48:52 at the timer (a smaller one than last year's, which is how I missed it!)..... and started running. I was gonna hit 49:00 if I could. But I didn't have quite enough juice for that.

It's okay though............. Not only did I beat my time from last year by 7:23, I'm still roughly at the same pace I was this spring. And all this year, I haven't exclusively walked as my only exercise. I've done the bike and aerobics too. In a way, I think that helped me ..... it improved my cardio enough that I wasn't totally exhausted at the end. Last year, they had chair massages available and I took advantage -- and nearly fell asleep. This year, I didn't see the massage area, but it's okay. I went back to the food court, got a Fiber One yogurt and some water, and pulled the apple and protein bar I'd brought from home out of my backpack.

I also ran into someone who hadn't seen me in a long time and she didn't recognize me. I have to admit; that's one of the best feelings ever. I love watching eyes bug out and jaws drop. I also ran into my original WW leader in the stairwell -- she didn't recognize me from behind! :D

It is astounding to think that in 2 years, I've managed to shave 17:03 minutes off my time. That amount of time is right now buying me right at another MILE under ideal circumstances (in real life, let's say it will get me 7/8 of a mile). I am thinking the only way right now I'll break 45 is to start running...... more often, so that I can build up my endurance. I can do about 20-30 seconds of straight on run-jogging, and then I have to slow it back down. It might be that I have to do a running clinic where I learn how to run.

I already can't wait for next year. I have another walk in a month for Juvenile Diabetes, and there's a place to hope for 45 too!!!

20 years ago this morning....

2009-09-22T07:46:00.002-04:00

I awoke face down on a very nice area rug in Greensboro NC. I didn't wake until 11:30 AM, but it was the next couple of minutes later that got me. When I peered out the windows, there were limbs all over the front yard. I asked Mrs. T (our hostess) what had happened, and she quietly, almost haltingly said, "Girls, the storm came through early this morning. Y'all slept through it."

That's right. I slept through a hurricane.

Hurricane Hugo. 20 years ago last night, it made landfall just east of Charleston, and instead of skirting up the coast as we expected, it came inland, hitting Charlotte, Greensboro, Roanoke and other interior portions of Virginia and eventually Pennsylvania and even up to Buffalo.

We were staying in Greensboro because we had tickets for the Elton John concert, originally scheduled for September 22, 1989 in Charlotte. We figured the storm would go up the coast, toward the Outer Banks and the Tidewater area....... no problem, right?

God said, HAAAAAAAAAA!

No concert. We stayed in Greensboro until Saturday afternoon, at which point we trekked on over to Raleigh where other friends had gathered. By Sunday morning, I was tired and just wanted to be home until I knew what would happen next. We all knew school was shut down indefinitely. I dropped off one person from our travel party in Fort Mill (just outside Charlotte). His neighborhood looked like a war zone..... trees and uprooted stuff and mangled fencing. Half his street had water and electricity, the other half did not. I remember he asked about his sister, and his mom mentioned that she was up the street at a neighbor's taking a shower because they were in the water-service area, and their home had none. I dropped off another person in Spartanburg, then headed home to wait it out.

A week later, we were back, but things would never be "back to normal." Even though we weren't there for the height of the storm, as some of our local friends were, an event like that changes you and your perspective. I never really thought I was invincible or even immortal. Having attended way too many family funerals as a youngster gave me lots of exposure to the life-and-death cycle. I knew from losing two classmates in high school that, yes indeed, it could happen to any of us and eventually it would catch up to us. So I held no illusions of invincibility or immortality. But I had an illusion of innocence -- that somehow, the world was still fresh and wonderful if I just believed it so.

That was a casualty of the storm. Wisdom and knowledge have their price, usually consisting of selling your innocence and your idealism.

At least the NBA can thank Hugo for something -- they got a star out of the deal. Tim Duncan was supposed to be an Olympic swimmer. The Olympic-size training pool on his island got destroyed in the storm, so he changed sports.

As autumn approaches....

2009-09-12T09:26:00.004-04:00

I'm so glad autumn, my very favorite season, is nearly here. There's a special kind of magic about those three months that grabs me and doesn't let go. In nearly 40 years, I've never quite been able to adequately describe the magic -- and even if I could, I wouldn't want to break the spell by uttering the appeal. I love the rich earthy colors. I love the crisp air. Of course, I love football season!

The maple tree out back has always been my fall barometer. When I was a kid, I always knew it was close to my birthday because there would be tons and tons of leaves all over the yard from the maple. As time has gone on and the climate has changed, I can't count on the leaves as the telltale sign of my birthday. For many years, the leaves didn't turn, let alone actually fall, until November -- past my birthday. Other years, especially the drought-stricken years of recent memory, the leaves have turned and gone by mid-October (too soon for this girl!).

The tree isn't much longer for this world. It is very old, drying faster than you can imagine, and we've already had to cut limbs weakened by summer droughts and winter ice storms. It makes a nice wood to put in the fire pit, but there's sadness in that burning too. I dread the day the tree will come down at last. It's coming fairly soon -- the tree trunk is just barely on our neighbor's side of the property line, but the branches extend to both yards. As a kid, I always thought of the tree as ours and in a way, I still do. Dad and the neighbor have discussed it several times over the last few years -- we all know that the tree is dying. When limbs were cut a couple of years ago, one limb in particular had a portion of the center hollowed out and full of black ants. Yeah. Not good for the tree or for our respective properties (his shed, Dad's shed and our deck).

It is startling to realize that I'm about to turn 40. Honestly, it's a birthday I've looked forward to for quite some time now. I've been prepping myself for months, telling myself I'm 40. It's just a number. That's all. But it's a good number. I feel very at ease in my own skin and in my own life. It took me such a long time to get there. With age comes wisdom (sometimes, anyway), and as much as I still think of myself as being younger (I'll always be 27 in my mind!), I wouldn't want to do it all over again. I gained this perspective and insight and wisdom through my failures and missteps and stumblings -- and even if I could go back and change things, I wouldn't. Do I want to trade off the hard-earned knowledge for getting my way (and maybe getting far worse)? Not a chance. I'm keeping what I've earned. Yeah..... that's it. A sense of earning my keep in this world. That what I know and what I feel and sense and believe has been earned, and not just handed to me. That's what's making 40 feel like a great place to be.

Makes me giddy. Fall and 40.

***

One very VERY sad note: I lost a fraternity brother this week, and I am just heartbroken. Carolyn was only a few months younger than me. She was a dedicated teacher, coach, friend, and all-around good person. There will never ever be another person like her -- yeah, we all know that. But in this case, it's so very true. Carolyn wasn't the life of the party; she was the party. It really makes me so very sad to realize the world is a dimmer place without her. I pray today, the day of her funeral, that her family is strengthened and comforted by God's love and care, and that they take solace in the love shown by the legions of people whose lives were touched by her -- all the kids she coached, the students she taught, her colleagues, the friends who loved her, and anyone whose life was changed by her care and concern.

As for me, I am sure that the angels welcomed her warmly into Paradise. I also have no doubts that she's already organized a parade, followed by a barbecue, for all new arrivals to have a meet-and-greet! And is passing out clown noses and balloons to everyone. "Hey, Moses -- here you go, you forgot this! HONK HONK!"

Godspeed, Shotgun. You will be sorely, dearly missed, and I know we shall meet again.

An ugly W is still a W!!

2009-09-04T21:58:00.002-04:00

Hallelujah, it has begun and the long national nightmare is over -- college football season has arrived!!! My beloved Gamecocks were again the Cardiac Chickens......

Last year, the game at NC State was almost a yawn: 34-0 and NC State looked baaaaaaad (and I don't mean "Superfly" kinda bad). This year, it was much, much closer, and near the end, looked pretty dang scary. We squeaked out a 7-3 win.

Actually, it's a good thing. For me, the harder you work for something, the more meaningful it is. And two, you learn more from your challenges than from your creampuff moments. Next weekend, Georgia is NOT going to be an NC State (no offense to the Wolfpack, mind you) so we had best develop our A+ game this week. Georgia will be bringing it -- especially if they get punked by Okie State.

Fall is just around the corner. It is official now! LET THE GAMES CONTINUE!

A veggie tale of sorts.....

2009-08-22T08:28:00.002-04:00

I am a proud product of the South...... except for some of the food.

Fried chicken? Check (okay, these days, it's faux-fried in the oven but that's not the point). Buttermilk biscuits? MMMM.... gimme!!! Cornbread? Very much so, but it took me a few years to get there. Same with bluegrass music; took years me to appreciate it. Collards or turnip greens?..........

Well, let's pause there.

My parents, every New Year's Day, would have black-eyed peas and turnip greens. Mom is not a fan of collards so they substituted turnip greens for the annual New Year's Day ritual. Supposedly, you eat these foods as a symbol of the money you hope to obtain throughout the year. Frankly, I prefer -- and practice -- the money-burial ritual instead (don't ask, it's a long story). And to show our disdain for those disgusting foods, my brother and I made a tradition of splitting a frozen pizza and bag of chips.

I'll also say that while I was a somewhat picky eater as a child, as I've grown older my tastes have developed and changed. The broccoli I absolutely hated as a child is the same food that I have never gotten enough of from age 12 on. The cornbread that I refused to eat all through my childhood and teen years (except as Thanksgiving dressing) is the stuff I love now. I still don't like black-eyed peas or field peas or butter beans or anything of the sort.... I do like a small amount of black beans (usually as part of a soup or corn salad), and I love kidney beans in chili, but that's about the extent of my bean adventures.

About a year ago, we had a catered luncheon at work from a local upscale barbecue place. One of their sides that came was cooked collard greens, cooked "southern-style." Flavored with ham and onions. I needed a couple of extra veggie servings that day, and I knew I couldn't count macaroni as a vegetable (much as most meat-and-three places try to convince me otherwise). So with much trepidation, I got a small serving of the collards. I wouldn't have called it love at first bite, but I did go back for seconds.

Now, eating Smoke on the Water's collards is one thing. But to fix them myself is another. And to venture even further is yet another. But it happened. I was passing through Durham NC a few weeks ago and stopped at Cracker Barrel for lunch. And with hardly a second thought, one of the sides I ordered was the turnip greens. Now that was love at first bite. I downed them pretty quickly. It had to be a fluke, right? I mean, really, there's no way this can be happening to me.

This past week, I went to Whole Foods' hot bar for lunch. One of the veggies? "Southern-style Collards"...... and they were very good.

What is happening to me? Are black-eyed peas next (I like their music, but....)?

Are you ready for some......

2009-08-15T08:01:00.003-04:00

FOOOOTBAAAAAAALLLLL???? Dang skippy.

I love football -- a near-unhealthy love of it, compared to others of us who have a set of double-X chromosomes. Any future husband had either better love it as much or prepare to be a football widower. The tailgating? Check. And I'm far less apt to look at cute tight pants as much as I'm looking at their stats and how the team is doing overall and compared to their opponents. College is my favorite, but there's nothing like a Sunday pro game too. AAAAAH!

And with that in mind......... I have two pro teams to which I have pledged my allegiance: the Carolina Panthers and the Green Bay Packers. I've been a Packer-backer even when they sucked very badly in the late 70s/early 80s, so it wasn't just a Favre thing. (Matter of fact, I kind of hope Favre STAYS retired at last. The drama is useless, and he ought to know better.) And I've been a Panthers fan since the expansion. When it comes to it, I'm an NFC girl, and mostly the NFC South. I'll root for the Packers and whomever plays the Bears (ha!) in the NFC North. NFC West? Snore.

NFC East..... well, I've never had much of a favorite team..... of course, it's only recently been aligned the way it is now (last few years). When I was a kid, I was a Dallas fan..... but as St. Paul says, "When I was a child, I thought as a child, I reasoned as a child...... but now that I am a man, I put away childish things." Well, that and Jerry Jones unceremoniously dumping Tom Landry, the last of the true gentleman-coaches. And in the last few years, nothing has given me greater thrill than watching the 'Boys lose. But they've been replaced on the bottom of the NFC East rung by...........

The Philadelphia Eagles. And if you need to ask why, you have obviously been living under a rock or not watched the news in the last couple of days. Michael Vick has a LONG way to go to prove to me that he's a changed person. I think what bothers me most is referring to his crimes as a "mistake." Again, a mistake is leaving the iron or coffeepot on all day, or messing up a formula in a spreadsheet. Bankrolling an illegal activity, participating in it (and not just merely watching the dogfights), and killing the losers....... that's evil. Just plain evil. That's not a mistake, that's a deliberate disregard for God's creation. There's no amount of money that can get his PR back on track -- it will take years of concerted effort, of genuine remorse, and of owning up to what he did instead of glossing it over and calling it a "mistake." It was no mistake; it was a crime, both against society and against creation.

And until he decides to do so, I cannot support him or any team that takes him on. Let's hope that Tony Dungy (as his mentor) and Andy Reid (as his coach) will help him see the light.

Proud child of the 70s.

2009-08-09T12:04:00.002-04:00

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You know, I was talking with some girlfriends recently. I mentioned that I had a cousin's wife whom I don't think I ever saw without a ciggie hanging out of her mouth from the time I can remember first seeing her until she passed a few years back. I also remarked that back in the 70s, when I was getting my vaccinations, etc. in my family doctor's office, he smoked in there. The whole office smelled of smoke and no one thought anything about it.

We rode around town in big ol' honkin' ugly woodgrain-paneled stationwagons. Without seat belts or car seats (car seats? you got out of those once you turned a year old!). Standing up in the passenger seat or sitting on the fold-down armrest. Riding our bikes all over town in the summer without parental supervision.... sometimes without direct parental knowledge (oopsie). Actually being encouraged to stay outside all day and NOT come home until called for a meal. Walking to the store for penny candy (only by then, 2 for a nickel) .... in my case, the Speedy Mart and Mr. Owen's store (OMG, does anyone else remember Astro Pops??)

Seeing the pictures of me in my Girl Scout uni with my other Brownie friends. Going to Camp Wabak...... oh my. Plaid. Plaid. Plaid. My orange-and-black rugby striped shirt for my 4th grade picture.

I'd love to hear some more of your 70s memories -- share them in the comments!!

Mistake or bad choice? and thoughts about the South

2009-07-27T21:31:00.003-04:00

Okay, so the big sports story of the day is the "conditional reinstatement" of Michael Vick to the NFL --- provided there's a team that will take him. More on that in a second......

First, though, I was reading a commentary on MSNBC, and the author more or less suggested that it would have to be a Southern team that would take him ...... because after all, Southerners are more likely to shrug off dog-fighting as "boys being boys." Excuse the (multiple expletives deleted) out of me, but Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, dude????? Now, I realize there are Southerners (and I know a few) who would shrug it off -- kind of like saying, "That's just racing." But most of the ones I know would be highly incensed by the very idea. I knew a few "good ol' boys" when I was in high school -- heavy into outdoor sports (meaning, hunting and fishing). Most hunter/fishers I know would take better care of their hounds than any other animal. Hell, some of them might even treat their dogs better than they do their wives or girlfriends. The very idea of breeding an animal simply to fight for man's sport would be viewed as irresponsible at the mildest, unredeemable at worst.

Now, you all know I'm a dog lover -- and almost all other animals, save for the creepycrawlies and especially the slitherers. So what Vick did disgusts me to absolutely no end. The fact that he remains practically unrepentant is what sticks in my craw. He has yet to stand in front of the media and admit that he bred dogs to fight, bred them to kill, and killed the slower performers. He allowed female dogs to be tied to "rape stands" so that they could not get away, all in the name of breeding a stronger, meaner dog with a worse killer instinct. And he LIED about it to the federal investigators. And what does he call all those things? "Mistakes."

Hell no. A mistake is when you go off and leave the iron on at home. A mistake is an error in a formula on a spreadsheet. His actions could at easiest be labeled "bad choices." He has yet to own those choices. He has yet to say, "Yes, I chose to get involved in this horrendous thing. I chose to ally myself with guys I knew growing up who have no futures. I bankrolled the whole thing so they could roll with me, since I was making the big bucks. I thought I was above the law and could get away with it .... I figured they could never trace it back to me." Man up, Vick. Man up.

While I'm at it, I'm still pissed about the article assuming that Southerners are all (still) inbred racists who love nothing more than bloodsport. You know, I was thinking about this the other day with the whole Dr. Gates thing at Cambridge, Massachusetts. Where have most of the racial incidents of the last 20 years occurred? That's right. NOT IN THE SOUTH. Rodney King and later Reginald Denny? Los Angeles. I can't think of the guy's name, but it was the guy shot 41 times -- in New York City. Dr. Gates' arrest? New England. Folks, those places are way above the ol' Mason-Dixon line. Is there still racism in the South? I wouldn't doubt it. But I get so tired of the stereotype that all white Southerners are born to hate.

I'd better get off the soapbox. I'll stay here all night, otherwise.

Twelve years and 3 hours ago.....

2009-07-09T22:17:00.002-04:00

My phone rang. It was my best friend, sounding horribly tired but happy: "Hey, just wanted to let you know, SHE'S HERE AT LAST!!!!" With those words, my godchild entered my life, long after she'd entered my heart. That happened when they called to tell me I was going to become a godmother.

It has been my delight, my honor, my privilege and my great joy to watch her grow and develop into a young woman. Being her godmother is a responsibility that I cherish and don't take lightly. It is my sincere hope that as the years continue to go by, she and I will be more than just godmother-godchild, but true friends as well.

Happy Birthday, Reebs! I hope you know how much you are loved!!!

Are there any answers??

2009-07-09T22:14:00.002-04:00

I'm a bit stymied ...... around 2 weeks ago, I had bloodwork drawn for an FSH test. Those results came back just fine. So a week ago, they drew more blood for a TSH/T4 test (thyroid) ..... and those results came back fine.

I'm beginning to wonder if there are any answers to be had. I don't know anymore. I am stumped. My doctor is stumped. But I have to have answers ...... I have to get to the bottom of this mystery.

My baby's first "sleepover"

2009-07-02T21:45:00.003-04:00

We are going out of town this weekend, and are boarding Maddox for the first time since we got him. He was used to being boarded on weekends with his previous owners, but that was two years ago.

Last week, we had a minor issue with Maddox that gave us cause for concern: he growled twice at my mother. Not just a "hey nanny, something's going on behind you" kind of thing. It was looking right at her and decided something wasn't kosher about her. That is definitely not Maddox .... and especially given that my mother is his chief dogsitter! He even growled at my dad -- and he usually worships the ground my daddy walks on (wonder where he picked that up...). Dad popped his nose and said, "NO!" He looked at my dad like, "Huh? What happened?"

So I called the vet and they suggested bringing him in for a checkup.... just to make sure there was no medical issue. And luckily, there isn't. He apparently was just having a bad day.

I think part of it is that I take him for grooming at a large pet store, about a half-hour drive away, and by the time it's all said and done, it becomes a six-hour ordeal. He isn't crazy about long car rides, either. I think he gets motion sickness (more on "like owner, like pet" in a moment). So my mission became to find a groomer closer to home.

I found a lady only about 5 miles down the road, out in the country, who grooms, offers day-care, and boarding. We had planned to just take him down on Friday morning and have my brother pick him up Friday evening (since he is not able to join us for the vacation). As we discussed the Fourth and fireworks, Miss D mentioned that they don't have a lot of that out their way. My dad (who went with me to help handle Maddox) and I kind of looked at each other, smiled and said, "Uh, how much to board for 3 nights?"

I took Maddox to her tonight since we're leaving before she opens shop (and to help him get accustomed to their house). He went inside his crate where I had placed his bed and my pillowcase (for a familiar object from home). He whimpered -- not sure if it was because we were leaving and he sensed it .... or if it was the rabbit in the crate near him. He was excited about that. I can't wait for him to see their kitty-kitty.... (How he missed that, I will never know!)

When I heard the whimper, I had to leave. It was breaking my heart, and I had to get out before I took him out and screamed, "No, he's coming with us, no no no!" I know he can't.... but Miss D and her husband seemed to like him a lot.

So I am leaving him in their very capable hands. Miss D has been grooming, training, and showing dogs for nearly 30 years, and worked for a vet for 10-plus years. I know she will be good to my baby. It's just hard to leave...... I think this is the closest I will get to parenthood, so......

***

Now for the "like owner, like pet" stuff.

I have been having some medical issues, and last week had to have blood drawn for labwork. It turned out okay, but now they have decided to check my thyroid. Maddox has hypothyroidism (underperforming) ..... Now, I have heard that people and their pets begin to look alike. But I've never heard of people and their pets sharing a medical condition!!!

I'll find out my results of this test next week. URGH. If it's normal and they have to draw even more blood I will just scream.

WHEEE!!!!

2009-06-28T20:19:00.001-04:00

Yes, the minutiae of this day is boring. Imagine if I had a Twitter account. Mama has a new MP3 player -- a Creative Labs Mozaic 2GB in black. Thank you eBay in so many ways today.

More to come...........

I spoke too soon.

2009-06-28T19:21:00.003-04:00

The Insignia player is working but it's temperamental at best. Twice now it has locked up on me, and can only be undone by a quick jab to the reset area. Thin pens are getting their workout today at my abode.......

I've also noticed that perfectly legitmate uploads -- and by that, I mean songs that have been uploaded before with no problem -- suddenly are completely inaccessible..... For example, it will skip straight from song 5 to song 7. Every single time. And again, no clue why?

I'm peeved all over again and too tired to care tonight. I had just gotten off the phone with BigBox's customer service, cancelling my online order, when I discovered this. I just didn't feel like bothering to call them back to say, "Uh, fellas? Guess what?"

Needless to say, Mama's going shopping. Again.

***

Oh yeah -- also, don't get me started on a certain national/regional sporting goods dealer. This Sunday, they had an ad for buying a heart-rate monitor for an incredible rate. I mean, SUPER good deal. One I wasn't planning to even think about passing up. Went to their site, clicked on the "buy online" link -- "not available." And I know my local one didn't have any of that brand in stock yesterday but plenty of a competing brand - and naturally at a higher price.

Boys, I believe it's called bait-and-switch. Well, guess what? Found the same exact monitor on eBay, with FREE SHIPPING, and even with my dollar donation to a very worthy cause, it's STILL costing me less than it would have from you even if you'd had them in-store yesterday. Honestly, I'm kind of surprised you're still in that location anyway -- seeing that you have a sister store only about 3 miles up the road, a big competitor across the interstate in a well-traveled shopping center, and even newer competition going in practically across the street. I don't think your location will be around long. I'm amazed you haven't merged with the other store yet.

Anyway ........ HA!!!!!!!!

Well, dang it all.........

2009-06-28T15:32:00.005-04:00

***STOP THE PRESSES, VICKI VALE!!!***

I got the Insignia player to work. Turns out there is a little reset area where you stick the end of a pen in there and VI-OLER. It came back to life, just like the little girl in today's Gospel. Thank you Lord. -- Annette

We now return you to the regularly scheduled rant I had typed up, which I thought was pretty dang good, so I'll leave it.

***

Yesterday, over at Weighty Matters, I posted this big loooooonnnnnnng post about my MP3 player, and the list I currently have and what I'm going to cull from it, etc. etc.

So this afternoon, I did it. I excised the old songs, put on the new, and realized I was missing four of the keepers out of my library. I disconnected my MP3 player (and the corresponding USB cord) from the port, put in the jump drive where I had those songs stored, and reconnected the MP3 player.

Dead. Dead as a doornail. I disconnected it. Tried to turn it on and..........
Still dead.

You know, I had opined a few weeks ago about getting a new one, but I did not expect to have to get one so soon. I do not want an iPod at all. Nothing against Apple, but I prefer not to have to do things so weirdly. Thanks to BigBox, I am using iTunes as a music store, burning to CD, and then ripping -- all because I can't get cards there anymore for Rhapsody, my preferred music store.

But dang it all. I am going to BigBox anyway to replace it. I found an inexpensive 2GB Sony model to get me through for a while. But this other one is dead. Just plain dead. You can't see it, but I am pitching an inner hissy fit. This Insignia player has been good, and performed well. What has ticked me off more than anything is BigBox's decision to stop making accessories or to offer much for their older products (the point of my previous rant on this) I am thinking, "What? Do they expect their products to wear out so quickly that you'll come running back for a replacement within months?" Because sorry -- this one (until now) was very well constructed. I've put it through a whole lot in the roughly 27 months I had it. But I really, really, really hate losing it.

Le sigh. If this one conks out in a year, then I will go all sheeple-like and become a Pod person. Actually, I'll probably not and be the last holdout on Earth. THAT'S IT!!!! iPod is SkyNet! It explains everything.......... (hee hee hee).

Almost July and time to recharge.

2009-06-27T08:33:00.002-04:00

June has been crazy so far (hence, far fewer postings than I would normally like). I mean, really, it's just been a blur!

So what's been going on?

Work: Busy as ever; maybe even more so. A couple of new things landed on my plate this month, and I have to find a way to balance it all or I will not be long for being able to do it. Nothing makes my immune system go crazier than stress. Even my chiropractor can look at my shoulders/upper back (serious stress area for me) and say, "Holy mackerel, what have you been doing since your last visit?" Yeah, it's not good when that happens. I don't know how to make it work, except to set up a schedule that says something like, "Mornings each day: purchasing duties. Monday and Wednesday afternoons: HR. Tuesday afternoon: accounting. Thursday afternoon: accounting and system testing. Friday afternoon: mixed bag. Please hold all your stuff until the appropriate time unless someone is bleeding or dying. Otherwise, I can't handle it." There is only one of me, and I'm not doing such a great job right now making it work.

Vehicular Things: The upside? I got a better vehicle. The downside? The stress of figuring out my checkbook to make it all balance well. I think I can do it with minimal impact. Knowing I also only have about 9 months left on my accelerated payment plan for student loan is helping out too. It's like "hold on for nine months and things will be good."

Health: Maintenance for WW has been tough on me. I've actually gained weight. UGH.... so I'm back on plan as I try to get back to goal (or within the limits they set). I'm trying a few new things to shake it up. Part of the quick gain may not be so much due to the usual issues from maintenance (adding food back, etc.) but due to another little wrinkle. There could be a hormonal imbalance that is causing weight to come on and off suddenly. So this past week I had some bloodwork drawn for a lab test. I will know my results on Monday. Either way, there will be some sort of treatment -- just which one will depend on the results. More tests may be forthcoming too based on the results. I have a whole slew of mixed feelings based on what I have been told so far. But that's another post for another time.

Recharge: I am heading to my cousin's lakehouse in North Carolina next weekend to play catch-up with them, and to recharge my batteries. I have gone too long without a break .... one day off (Memorial Day) does not a break make. And really, this long weekend isn't going to do much either but it's a start. In mid-July, I'm heading to the Tidewater area for a girls' weekend with some good friends. I am really looking forward to that for a recharge. And depending on how things go when I get back from this coming weekend, I may also sit down with my boss and try to come up with a plan to help me handle everything better. I appreciate their trust in me but there comes a point when I have to say, "No, really, I can't take on any more."

There's the old adage that God never gives us more than we can bear. It's small comfort to know I can bear this much. Apparently, I have even more strength that I wasn't aware of -- and I've learned in the last few years I had way more than even I imagined. The idea that there's even more within me is comforting and yet frightening too.

And with that, I still have miles to go before I sleep later tonight..... errands to run, chores to complete, life to live.

Devil's music, my butt.....

2009-06-14T22:06:00.003-04:00

Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care
For the people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way
Of caring about ourselves

This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure
Under pressure
-- David Bowie & Queen, "Under Pressure"

Okay, so I am only 27 years late to the party on these particular lyrics.

I love our priests at my parish, and way more often than not, they have fantastic homilies (which is similar to a sermon, but shorter, sweeter, and to the point). But on the way to a dinner party this evening, I had this song cranked up and was really listening to it intently. The lyrics just struck me as being as powerful as any homily that I have heard.

"Love dares us to change......" You could stop it right there. Love really does dare us to change everything in response. Real love is transformative and transforming. It is what inspires us to action .... to see the world in a new light, a new frame, and to do something to make it better.

I don't know why these words resonated with me today. But they have, and I have to figure out why. What is that greater love calling me to do?

I'm still around and kicking....

2009-06-08T07:30:00.002-04:00

I have a lot of things I'm thinking about, but just haven't had a chance to write them all down yet.

The biggest news is that I finally reached my weight goal -- you can read all about it on my Weighty Matters blog. I'm still processing everything that has happened with that. I'm so excited about it, and trying to really plan my next moves (besides maintenance and becoming a Lifetime member). It's figuring out the plastic surgery/skin removal thing and how to make that work.

I'm excited about a girls' weekend coming up next month! I'm planning some things for that as well. Everyone needs some time off, and I am way overdue! :) It's going to be great to see my girls and have a great time just laughing and forgetting my everyday life .... even for a couple of days. I have a whole train of thought about the American approach to vacation versus the European approach. Even this workaholic American is starting to lean toward their viewpoint.

Work is keeping me really busy.... see above paragraph.

And speaking of, I had best sign off. Almost time to leave and join the masses on the highways and interstates. Le sigh.

Happy birthday, buddy!!!

2009-06-01T09:17:00.002-04:00

Today is the birthday for a very special friend of mine. He came into my life 2 years ago in May, and my life has not been the same since. This friend has enriched my life in ways I never expected, has been there for me when I couldn't tell my troubles to another soul, and loves me without question or condition.

Of course, I'm talking about Maddox.

For non-regular readers or close friends, Maddox is my Lab mix. I'm not sure what the other half is -- I was told Husky, but I've thought of Great Pyrenees, wondered about Malamute, and also been told Shepherd as well. Whatever his lineage, I could not ask for a better dog. He has been one of the best gifts to come into my life. He is friendly to mostly everyone (though we've noticed lately he is not very thrilled with children between ages 2-5 or so..... gotta work on that), loyal to a fault, and I have no doubts that he would defend me or my family to the death. He is the delight of my heart, my walking buddy (though lately, he's slower than I am... might have to take up running to get him in gear again), and I cannot imagine my life without him.

I am not a believer in love at first sight. Attraction, yes; love, no. I made an exception to the rule that said, "No love at first sight, unless it's your baby." I have amended that to "There is no love at first sight, except for children and dogs." It's true. I saw him at the kennel that day and it was an instant "I *have* to take this dog." I don't know if I felt he needed us that badly, or if my soul was saying that I needed him. Either way, it's been the deal of a lifetime. What he has given in return for some shelter, food, and a daily walk cannot be bought or measured.

Happy birthday, buddy-buddy! I love you more than you can ever know.