So Not A Junkie

Allow me to introduce myself as apparently the only person left in America who doesn't give one single solitary hoot about Duck Dynasty. Or Breaking Bad. Or True Blood.

I have never seen a complete episode of Toddlers & Tiaras, or its crazy trainwreck relative, Honey Boo Boo. Then again, I never saw a single episode of Deadwood, The Sopranos, The L Word, or anything else that was big in the last decade. I flat refuse to watch anything about any Housewives anywhere, because I have zero in common with them except that we both have Double-X chromosomes.

I gave up on American Idol long ago. I don't watch America's Got Talent, So You Think You Can Dance, "God I Hope My Mama's Right And I Do Sound Just Like Whitney" or any of the other shows. I have caught snippets of The Voice, but never a full show let alone a full season.

DD is wholesome, people say. It talks of family values and faith. That's great, and I daresay they're probably more sincere than your average televangelist who does the same thing (on the surface anyway), but I'm still not interested. I don't do hunting. I have no desire to kill an animal, let alone freeze my butt off in a deer stand at 3:30 in the morning. No thank you. I don't eat duck either, so there. Decoys are kind of creepy to me anyway.

My guilty TV obsession? Chopped. Oh, and Restaurant: Impossible ........... but not during the middle of a pennant race (or lack of race, given that the Braves are 14 games up as I type). Come football season (15 more days!!), then my viewership of regular television will go even further down.

My favorite shows? The 4:30 AM news report. The 10:00 evening news. Any Braves game. Any football game (except the CFL, that's just NOT football). I was so desperate for sports one night when the Braves had an off-night, I freakin' listened to the NBA Draft, and I don't give a damn for the NBA. I even watched a few portions of the Stanley Cup, for cryin' out loud. Chopped. RI. American Pickers. And if I am feeling particularly in need of sordid entertainment, there's Snapped. The only serial/episodic show I follow to any extent is Parenthood..... I even stopped watching SVU after a while. Good show, but it's kind of jumped the shark a little.

I have all the ESPN family, FoxSportsSouth, and the NFL Network on my remote's speed dial (so to speak). That and the local affiliates, and I'm a happy clam.

Now, if they spoofed DD starring the AFLAC duck, I might watch the first episode.........

"Doesn't Play Well With Others"

I am an introvert. And I'm surprised the title phrase never appeared on my report cards.

The first time I learned about my introversion was back in the early 90s, fresh out of college, and I took the MBTI (Myers-Briggs) for the first time. It came back INFP. I was a little taken aback: INFP?? ME? No, no, they have this wrong. Granted, I had been in a pretty down mood just before I took the test (thanks to a very spiteful coworker at the time), so maybe that's why the I part came in but no, no, no, I was a very outgoing person.

I had no idea.

I took it again a few years later: same result. I took another one that my new job did as part of an administrative team training. It wasn't the classic Myers-Briggs but I got similar results. I didn't end up in the "people person" quadrant. I was quite surprised again..... what was I answering incorrectly, I thought, to skew these answers? Over the years I've come to realize that there were no wrong answers -- only honesty.

I am an introvert. And these days, I embrace that label. It doesn't mean that I can't be social -- indeed, when I'm in a small group, and especially one in which I am very comfortable, I am THE motormouth of the group. But I have to work up to that level of comfort with you before I can get to that stage. It doesn't mean I'm slow on the draw, backward, shy, or a misanthrope (though I have my days when Grumpy Cat and I would be quite a pair). It does not mean I wish to be a hermit in every non-working waking hour. It means that I need quiet private time to myself in order to function well.

What it means is that I derive my energy from an internal source instead of external stimuli. Extroverts need to be around people in order to recharge. I need to withdraw from everyone to recharge. Think of it this way: extroverts need a Vegas strip hotel; introverts need a mountain cabin, off the main road, and maybe (maybe) a few close friends. The thought of a silent weekend retreat would petrify many extroverts; introverts are screaming, "OOOH! Where do I sign up?"

When I read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (because I was trying to understand someone in my life) and reading the portion about men needing "cave time" I wondered briefly if I was really a guy -- because the idea of having "cave time" was absolutely delicious. I realize now that it should have been a sure sign that I was an introvert.

Truth? I actually rather enjoy public speaking and performance, and trust me, I can improvise on the fly, take things as they roll, and never think twice about it.

But I don't schmooze well. I enjoy social functions but I will not work the room. I will speak to a small group of people, or dart between people with whom I am comfortable. The word "networking" makes me wretch; there's a connotation there of people determining if and how someone will be useful to them in the future..... I don't do small talk very well. And woe be unto ye if you get inside my personal space...... if you are in line next to me, stay back, please. I don't want you over my shoulder when I'm buying a pack of gum!

If you would like to learn more about introversion or introverted people, I highly recommend Quiet by Susan Cain. And just remember that we're people too, we just operate slightly differently in a world that sees it in a negative light while trumpeting extroversion as a positive value.

Strong The Circle We

It breaks my heart that for the third time in just short of 48 months, another Brother has left us. David Singleton, for whom my pledge class was named, left us far too soon along with Carolyn Keller (Fall '89, passed Sept. 2009) and Karen Mitchell (Spring '89, passed Oct. 2010). It does not seem real, still, that we've lost three of the finest people I've ever had the occasion to know.

But this week, I have been reminded of my time in Alpha Phi Omega. Allow me to turn back the clock, even if only here and in my mind, to early September 1987. I had been in school about 2 weeks and wondering at times if I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I knew a whole 5 people on campus, besides my roommates and the Peer Mentors who'd ushered me around at orientation -- a girl named Rita (whom I met at orientation), a guy named Bryce who was from my home county, another guy named Kirby who was hanging out in the pool room and who might have been at orientation with me, a girl named Jennifer who I met at the welcome back dance, and Lisa who was my HS classmate. I wasn't adjusting very well to my roommate/suitemates. We were in an off-campus apartment because Housing had overbooked and they basically rented these on our behalf. But we had an RA/RD just like every other dorm -- with a lot more freedom. But I needed some guidance and structure. I enjoyed my classes, but was floundering.

I remembered quite a few of the Peer Mentors had mentioned that they were part of a group called Alpha Phi Omega. The whole idea of Greek stuff was not appealing to me at the time. My roommate was pledging a sorority and treating me like a complete pariah because I wasn't going Greek. Another suitemate was pledging a different sorority and the third was absolutely bereft because she couldn't pledge this year as a provisional student. But this group seemed different. I happened to see one of the Peer Mentors as I strolled across campus that day, and she invited me to the A Phi O rush party that afternoon.

When they told us more about what they did -- lots of community service, while developing leadership skills and forming lifelong friendships -- I was very intrigued. I went back the next day -- only to discover that one of my old friends from another school was there too!! Finally, someone I really KNEW! I met some other people from nearer my hometown .... including some chick from Greer who seemed pretty cool. And that was that -- I decided I would pledge.

I came back to our apartment, very excited for the first time since I'd gotten to campus. My roommate immediately derided my choice: "UGH! Really?" to which AW (my pledging suitemate) told her, "Okay, you know something? Maybe it's not for you and fine. But this is the first time her face has lit up in two weeks, so just let her enjoy it. It seems to be right up her alley, regardless of your opinion." I still like AW to this day.......

The decision to pledge has been one I've never regretted. From it, I gained the opportunity to make a difference during a time when I could have easily lost my way. I learned to lead projects and be part of a leadership committee. But most importantly, I not only gained lifelong friends, I gained brothers, in the truest sense of the word.

Did we always agree? No.
Did we always get along? Of course not.
Did we love each other? Yes, very much so.

If I were stranded on the side of the road in St. Louis, I could call Tina -- whom I have not physically seen in 25 years -- and if she couldn't help me herself, she would point me in the right direction. If my flight from Seattle to home were cancelled and I had no place else to stay, I could call two brothers there and either have a place on their sofa or they could again help me figure out what to do. And if by some odd chance a brother were stranded in my hometown, I would offer them the same -- a ride, a sofa to sleep on, or just to go there and sit with them until their assistance arrived, maybe even dinner on me. Whatever it took. This is brotherhood.

I've watched their babies come into the world and grow up and are now heading to college (or in college, in some cases). I've cried as they've posted news that a parent has passed. I've rejoiced in their good fortunes, and prayed for them when it hasn't been good. This is brotherhood.

This week, we said goodbye to David. And one of the brothers had a phenomenal idea. She created a Facebook group called the Virtual Circle. You see, at the end of every weekly meeting, we would form a circle and sing our Toast Song .... it even contained the lyric: "Strong the circle we....." Nowhere was that more evident than in our Virtual Circle this week. David's funeral was Tuesday -- so her idea was that on Tuesday (especially for those of us who could not make the funeral), we would do a kind deed, remember the beauty and joy in life, and somehow memorialize it, dedicating it to David.

I had jury duty (and lucky me, was in the middle of serving on a jury) -- no way could I get to the funeral. On Monday, when we got to the jury room, we noticed that the snacks they'd mentioned were basically potato chips and Little Debbie cakes. Sorry, but no, not for me. And I remembered that one of David's last photos that he'd posted were of his homegrown figs. So the idea hit me to take some in, and some other fruit as a healthy snack. Of course, the store I went to (given the time constraints) didn't have fresh figs. A farmer's market would have, but none were open at that time...... So I just got a variety of things -- nectarines, apples, bananas, oranges -- and took them to court with me. It wasn't much -- I wish I could have done so much more, and I plan to take the opportunity to do so later this week. But it was what I could do at the time.

We came back to the virtual circle and told what we'd done .... there were beautiful stories: a mom taking her daughter on a walk around Charleston, the city David loved (and so many of us); flowers given to employees, photos of gorgeous home-grown flowers, the kind David would have loved and used in some of his arrangements (an avocation he pursued in addition to his regular job). Remembrances and poems, pictures of days gone by. Realizations of what our friendships have meant to us, though time has marched on and our pictures have changed.

Earlier today, I wrote this at the Virtual Circle page, in a response to a thank you for the brother who started the page: "There are quite a number of you I never got the chance to meet in person.... Just a picture on the wall in a composite. This week it feels different, and for that, I thank you!" And I mean it. It really does feel like David -- in life and in death -- has brought people together.

When I think of them all -- Carolyn, Karen and David -- I think of brothers. They were three people who loved life more than anything, whose laughter and shenanigans and warmth and caring were evident in every action. I can only hope to live up to such a legacy that they have left.

Godspeed, David, until we meet again. Keep Carolyn and Karen straight, will ya? Wait a minute .... you three have probably already started playing tricks on all us brothers. We who remain are in for some serious shenanigans afoot. Watch out, David -- your heavenly cell phone will be full of "Shotgun Selfies" and Karen will be good until she sees a cow in a pasture: that's why we call her Mookie!

And strong the circle we, for all time.

Last week's Quotes That Grab Ya

Well, I meant to post this yesterday but one big thing happened: I woke with a migraine. You know it is bad when it's 7:00 AM on a Sunday morning, you've been up for an hour with a pounding brain and yuck feeling, and you decide that you better attend the 8:00 Mass if you plan to make it at all. I didn't even post a quote yesterday..... but I figure there are enough gems from the end of June that can carry you through! :)

So here they are, from Monday, 6/24 through Saturday, 6/29...... ENJOY!

6/24: "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." ― Meg Cabot

6/25: "Sometimes we behave as though there was something more important than life. But what?" -- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

6/26: "Change might not be fast and it isn't always easy. But with time and effort, almost any habit can be reshaped." ― Charles Duhigg

6/27: "This isn't just 'another day, another dollar.' It's more like 'another day, another miracle'!" -- Victoria Moran

6/28: "Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment." -- Jim Rohn

6/29: "You were born with potential. You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with ideals and dreams. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings. You are not meant for crawling, so don't. You have wings. Learn to use them and fly." ― Rumi

6/30 .... no quote.

I hope these are as thought-provoking or inspiring for you as they are for me. And remember, kindness to others springs from kindness to self -- and vice versa. A beautiful circle of lovingkindness......

This week's Quotes That Grab Ya

Need a little boost or some motivation? Need a little encouragement or even just a reminder of your beauty and worth? Sure, we all do ..... hope you find a kernel of wisdom or even a word that resonates with you in some of these quotes:

6/16: "I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren't trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom." ― Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum

6/17: "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -- Douglas Adams

6/18: "Everything works out in the end. if it hasn't worked out yet, then it's not the end." ― Tracy McMillan

6/19: "It's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard, she said, is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about." ― Shauna Niequist

6/20: "If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up someplace else." ― Yogi Berra ........... AND BONUS QUOTE: "Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.” -- Donald Miller

6/21: "A man can be as great as he wants to be. If you believe in yourself and have the courage, the determination, the dedication, the competitive drive and if you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done." -- Vince Lombardi

6/22: "To be nobody but yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting." – ee cummings

6/23: "Good works is giving to the poor and the helpless, but divine works is showing them their worth to the One who matters." — Criss Jami

Quotes That Grab Ya

As most of you know, I start out most mornings on Facebook by posting a quote of the day. I get them from a variety of sources -- e-mailed newsletters, Twitter, all sorts of books that I have, Goodreads, or sometimes just a plain ol' Google search. And lately it seems that mine all seem to focus on a few key themes: hope, love, self-worth, healing, determination, destiny, change, surrender/trust, etc. They may seem a little varied, but these are the ones where God/The Universe/The Force, call it whatever you like, has said, "THIS ONE. It's for you today. Everyday. Pay attention."

And yes, I need to start paying more attention. So I've decided to at least keep a record of them here. Once a week, I plan to do a digest of quotes with the label QuotesThatGrabYa (sans hashtag but you get it)...... Since Saturdays seem to be the day I have a little more time (albeit not much) to the morning, that's when I'll post them.

Feel free to grab as you like. I took them from somewhere else, and I usually post at least to whom it has been attributed. I figure they're out there for a reason and we all need to hear these messages resonate within our own lives and situations. Each of us needs comfort, hope, guidance, reassurance, redirection, and sometimes just a  good smack in the hiney or a huge hug from God/etc. that says, "Oh precious one....."

So here's the digest from June 9-15:

6/9: "In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others." ― Brennan Manning

6/10: "No art takes places without inspiration. Every artist also needs effective knowledge of his or her tools (e.g., does a certain brush function well with a particular kind of paint?). What’s more, artists need effective techniques for using those tools. Likewise, to express ourselves skillfully with maximum efficiency and minimum effort, we need to investigate the most effective ways of using the mind and body since, in the end, they are the only 'tools' we truly possess in life." ― H. E. Davey

6/11: "Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearl. It takes so much time, and so much work, and those beads and moments are so small, and so much less fabulous and dramatic than the movies. But this is what I’m finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that movie-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets -- this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of us will ever experience." ― Shauna Niequist

6/12: "And I can tell by the way you're searching / For something you can't even name / That you haven't been able to come to the table, simply glad that you came / And when you feel like this try to imagine / That we're all like frail boats on the sea / Just scanning the night for that great guiding light, announcing the jubilee...." -- -- Mary Chapin Carpenter, "Jubilee" (from the CD, Stones In The Road)

6/13: "Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are." ― Anne Lamott

6/14: Found on Twitter this morning from @QuotesNSmiles: "Life isn’t about waiting for the time to come. It’s all about making the most of things in the time that is given to you." -- Joel Brown

6/15: "We can't look to the world to restore our worth; we're here to restore our worth to the world. The world outside us can reflect our glory, but it cannot create it. It cannot crown us. Only God can crown us, and he already has." ― Marianne Williamson


Remainder of 2013 to follow in separate posts, probably at the end of each month (I'll fiddle with the dates to get it to work, but henceforth at the end of the week). Just look for the label QuotesThatGrabYa and find something to speak to your heart, your soul, your essence, the portion of the Divine within you. And know that I am cheering you on from here (and only ask the same of you).

Thoughts on Rain

It was July 1984, and our area set a record for July rainfall: 13 inches. I remember that as the Summer of Slosh. No going outside and having fun with friends. Definitely no need to buy sunscreen, except to plan for our beach vacation coming up in August. No, it was definitely "stay inside and hibernate with a good book or twelve."

Two summers later, we were praying for rain, literally. Whatever reserve we had was used up very quickly. Farmers from Michigan and other parts of the upper Midwest literally saved the farmers around here with truckloads of hay for the livestock. Summer '86 was hot, horrifically dry, and it was the first time I became familiar with the term drought. Sadly, my familiarity with it would not go away as I moved from adolescence into my adult life.

Now, we're not a farm family -- no, we're townspeople, but in my small town, everyone has a garden of some sort, whether for fruits and veggies for themselves, flora and shrubbery (!) to make their house prettier or both. While I had a vague idea about how important rainwater was to these things, a lack of summer veggies and watching Daddy work over an unproductive garden drove it home. And this was only the beginning. For years on end, we watched the usual summer weather pattern develop: unbearably sticky humid air, only to develop into small pop-up storms that were just enough to "settle the dust" but which did nothing to alleviate the situation. Watching our local lakes go from gorgeously full to dangerously low .... getting the "no boats in these areas" and "no swimming allowed" alerts. To use current parlance, "Sh*t got real."

Off and on, rains would come and restore things a little, but the overall drought continued for years on end. There might be a couple of years that would relieve us here and there, but never the way it was in the mid-1980s. Until.......

2004. It was an Atlantic hurricane season that sent torrents of rain and destruction along the Gulf Coast. And it did not stop that year, but continued right on through that awful summer of 2005 that devastated the Gulf with Katrina and Rita...... but did our area so much good. See, apparently most of our rain comes via tropical systems in the summer and fall. Systems that come in via the west and northwest never make it over the mountains to us. Does a ton of good for eastern Tennessee, western NC, and even northeast GA, but us? ZIP. But if it comes in via the southwest (Gulf) or southeast (Atlantic): booyah! Good rain for us and happy land. It indeed becomes precious rain, in the deepest sense of the word. What is such benefit for us usually brings such destruction or disaster in other areas.

It wasn't all that long ago -- maybe just a couple of years -- that all the benefits we received as a result of those two horrid seasons along the Gulf had gone away. We were yet again facing that ugly D word. Which stage were we in -- incipient? early? moderate? We weren't on the edge of severe again yet (thank God) but it wasn't very good either. Lakes were again low. Boat warnings to look out for shallow areas and sandbars were again issued.

This year, so far, so good. In fact, we're at an abundance again, and the tropical season just started. On May 31, we had gone 9 days without rain, and yet were still at a 2" surplus for the year. The lakes are looking normal again. And now, with the first storm of the season -- albeit less a "storm" than just a good soaking rainmaker -- we're definitely above average!

And I promised myself a few years back that after all those years of drought, I would never complain about rain again. I try very hard to keep that promise. Although after this May and so-far-in-June, I may change my mind.......

Quotes That Grab Ya: May Digest

Here's the collection of May quotes I posted on FB -- enjoy!

1-May "The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are." ― C.G. Jung
2-May "People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone." ― Audrey Hepburn
3-May "My motto was always to keep swinging. Whether I was in a slump or feeling badly or having trouble off the field, the only thing to do was keep swinging." ― Hank Aaron
(out of town on 4th and 5th)
6-May "I feel keeping a promise to yourself is a direct reflection of the love you have for yourself. I used to make promises to myself and find them easy to break. Today, I love myself enough to not only make a promise to myself, but I love myself enough to keep that promise." ― Steve Maraboli
7-May "A wonderful gift may not be wrapped as you expect." ― Jonathan Lockwood Huie
8-May "Never lose a holy curiosity." ― Albert Einstein
9-May "To the people who love you, you are beautiful already. This is not because they’re blind to your shortcomings but because they so clearly see your soul. Your shortcomings then dim by comparison. The people who care about you are willing to let you be imperfect and beautiful, too." ― Victoria Moran
10-May "Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do." ― Pope John XXIII
11-May From one of my very favorite songs and CD's ever:  "And in this world there's a whole lot of golden / In this world there's a whole lot of plain / In this world you've a soul for a compass and a heart for a pair of wings / There's a star on the far horizon / Shining bright in an azure sky / For the rest of the time that you're given / Why walk when you can fly" ― Mary Chapin Carpenter, "Why Walk When You Can Fly" (from Stones in the Road)
(5/12 - Mother's Day)
13-May "Life is filled with unanswered questions, but it is the courage to seek those answers that continues to give meaning to life. You can spend your life wallowing in despair, wondering why you were the one who was led towards the road strewn with pain, or you can be grateful that you are strong enough to survive it." ― J.D. Stroube
14-May "Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. the new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open." ― Stephen Russell
15-May "Tell yourself often: I am going to tackle my aspirations head on with the passion and dedication necessary to exceed even my expectations." ― Lori Myers
16-May "I live for those who love me, for those who know me true; for the heaven that smiles above me and awaits my spirit too. For the cause that lacks assistance, for the wrong that needs resistance, for the future in the distance, and the good that I can do." ― George Linnaeus Banks
17-May "Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities: always see them, for they're always there." ― Norman Vincent Peale
18-May "Would you like to know your future? If your answer is yes, think again. Not knowing is the greatest life motivator. So enjoy, endure, survive each moment as it comes to you in its proper sequence -- a surprise." ― Vera Nazarian
19-May "After the resurrection of Jesus, his disciples are unable to pick up the spirit of his new presence. They want, instead, to have their old earthly Jesus back. Eventually, they are reduced to huddling in fear in a locked room, paralyzed. When they do receive the spirit of the resurrected Christ, they burst from that room, now alive with the spirit for their actual lives. When we live in restless unhappiness, not satisfied with our situation in life because we are unmarried, or because we are not married to whom we would like to be, or because we would want a different job, or different family, or different body, or a different set of friends, or a different city to live it, we live, like the Apostles, huddled in fear.... Pentecost is not an abstract mystery. We are asked to accept the spirit of our actual lives. When we do this, then we no longer belittle our own lives but know that even with all our inferiorities and frustrations, just by ourselves, we are something." ― Fr. Ronald Rolheiser, OMI
20-May "The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only 'what is.'" ― Lenny Bruce
21-May "One of the marvelous things about community is that it enables us to welcome and help people in a way we couldn't as individuals. When we pool our strength and share the work and responsibility, we can welcome many people, even those in deep distress, and perhaps help them find self-confidence and inner healing." ― Jean Vanier
22-May "True discipline is really just self-remembering; no forcing or fighting is necessary." ― Charles Eisenstein .... BONUS QUOTE: "Except our own thoughts, there is nothing absolutely in our power." ― René Descartes
23-May "The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown." ― Carl Sagan
24-May "Most people are searching for happiness. They're looking for it. They're trying to find it in someone or something outside of themselves. That's a fundamental mistake. Happiness is something that you are, and it comes from the way you think." ― Dr. Wayne Dyer
25-May "Heroes are selfless people who perform extraordinary acts. The mark of heroes is not necessarily the result of their action, but what they are willing to do for others and for their chosen cause. Even if they fail, their determination lives on for others to follow. The glory lies not in the achievement, but in the sacrifice." ― Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono
26-May "All human nature vigorously resists grace because grace changes us and the change is painful." ― Flannery O'Connor
27-May Flanders Fields
28-May "If life is not a celebration, why remember it ? If life -- mine or that of my fellow man -- is not an offering to the other, what are we doing on this earth?" ― Elie Wiesel
29-May "The purpose of art is the gradual, lifelong construction of a state of wonder and serenity." ― Glenn Gould
30-May "Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude." ― Dennis Waitley
31-May "Whatever the cost of our libraries, the price is cheap compared to that of an ignorant nation." ― Walter Cronkite

Let me tell you about a little town I know

There's a quaint, picturesque little place about 3 hours from me with which I have fallen in love. It's tucked in the mountains of Virginia, and yet it's well known in certain circles. And last weekend, the nation got to see just a peek inside Damascus, albeit due to some very scary news.

Damascus, Virginia is a well-known oasis on the Appalachian Trail, billing itself as "Trail Town, USA" and every third weekend in May hosts a festival entitled "Trail Days" -- a huge extravaganza for a town of less than 1000 people. Their hearts are friendly, open and warm, and there's not a yearly resident I've met yet who doesn't embody hospitality and kindness. I was just up there the first weekend of the month for some riding along another of their trails (the Virginia Creeper Multi-Use Trail -- mostly for biking but good for walking/running as well, and even the occasional horse ride).

Last weekend, however, during the Trail Days parade, this little beautiful crossroads made the national newsclips for a sad accident that injured 60 people in the parade. An older gentleman driving one of the parade cars suffered a medical crisis, and hit the accelerator, plowing into a huge crowd. Some of them were injured critically, but fortunately no one died as a result, including the driver.

I hate that this is how the world discovered Damascus. Everyone should know it for what it really is: a town of friendly people, who have welcomed the transients and strangers among them, the people who come to enjoy the beauty of the town and its surroundings. Each time I have been to this area, whether in Damascus or in Abingdon or any of the places along the Creeper Trail, I have witnessed faces where the smile goes all the way into the eyes and radiates out from the heart, not just a mechanical widening of the mouth. But there's something about that little town that grabbed me and isn't letting me go.

I'm a beach girl -- God knows, I love the ocean as it calls to me with a primal beat, something seared deep in me. But in the last few years especially, I have finally grown to love the mountains, especially the Appalachians that are close to my home and my heart. And the Rockies..... oh, my! But that's another story.

Quotes That Grab Ya: April Digest

Enjoy!

1-Apr "Hearts rebuilt from hope resurrect dreams killed by hate." ― Aberjhani, "The River of Winged Dreams"
2-Apr "When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can't make them change if they don't want to, just like when they do want to, you can't stop them." ― Andy Warhol
3-Apr "If we can just let go and trust that things will work out they way they're supposed to, without trying to control the outcome, then we can begin to enjoy the moment more fully. The joy of the freedom it brings becomes more pleasurable than the experience itself." ― Goldie Hawn
4-Apr "We should notice that we are already supported at every moment. There is the earth below our feet and there is the air, filling our lungs and emptying them. We should begin from this when we need support." ― Natalie Goldberg, from "Writing Down the Bones"
5-Apr "Don't shrink your dreams. Super-size your courage and abilities." ― Karen Salmonsohn
6-Apr "I believe that if, at the end, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn't always know this and am happy I lived long enough to find it out." ― Roger Ebert, "Life Itself"
7-Apr "Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God idea, not God Himself." — Miguel de Unamuno
8-Apr "I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift." ― Shauna Niequist
9-Apr "Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are." ― St. Augustine of Hippo
10-Apr "How would your life be different if…You stopped allowing other people to dilute or poison your day with their words or opinions? Let today be the day…You stand strong in the truth of your beauty and journey through your day without attachment to the validation of others." ― Steve Maraboli
11-Apr "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." ― Elbert Hubbard
12-Apr "The future is not some place we are going, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made. And the activity of making them changes both the maker and their destination." ― John Schaar
13-Apr May all the artworks we produce -- in whatever category -- follow this idea: "Sometimes I arrive just when God's ready to have somone click the shutter." ― Ansel Adams
14-Apr "God is the comic shepherd who gets more of a kick out of that one lost sheep once he finds it again than out of the ninety and nine who had the good sense not to get lost in the first place. God is the eccentric host who, when the country-club crowd all turned out to have other things more important to do that come live it up with him, goes out into the skid rows and soup kitchens and charity wards and brings home a freak show. The man with no legs who sells shoelaces at the corner. The old woman in the moth-eaten fur coat who makes her daily rounds of the garbage cans. The old wino with his pint in a brown paper bag. The pusher, the whore, the village idiot who stands at the blinker light waving his hand as the cars go by. They are seated at the damask-laid table in the great hall. The candles are all lit and the champagne glasses filled. At a sign from the host, the musicians in their gallery strike up 'Amazing Grace.'" ― Frederick Buechner
15-Apr "So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends - but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership." ― Julio-Alexi Genao
16-Apr "Violence is a disease, a disease that corrupts all who use it regardless of the cause." ― Chris Hedges
17-Apr "People tend to be generous when sharing their nonsense, fear, and ignorance. And while they seem quite eager to feed you their negativity, please remember that sometimes the diet we need to be on is a spiritual and emotional one. Be cautious with what you feed your mind and soul. Fuel yourself with positivity and let that fuel propel you into positive action." ― Steve Maraboli
(no quotes for April 18-20)
21-Apr "If I didn't get lost, my master wouldn't seek me." ― Toba Beta
22-Apr "You get your intuition back when you make space for it, when you stop the chattering of the rational mind. The rational mind doesn't nourish you. You assume that it gives you the truth, because the rational mind is the golden calf that this culture worships, but this is not true. Rationality squeezes out much that is rich and juicy and fascinating." ― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird
23-Apr "To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float." ― Alan Wilson Watts
24-Apr "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." ― Unknown
25-Apr "Forget yesterday: it has already forgotten you. Don't sweat tomorrow: you haven't even met. Instead, open your eyes and your heart to a truly precious gift: today." ― Steve Maraboli
26-Apr (none)
27-Apr So in honor of my old college pals The Killer B's: "With the interconnectedness of it all, the world is more fluid than ever. I blame it on the rain. Milli Vanilli was ahead of their time." ― Jarod Kintz
28-Apr "Love one another and help others to rise to the higher levels, simply by pouring out love. Love is infectious and the greatest healing energy." ― Sai Baba
29-Apr "The expression 'my life' is actually an oxymoron, a result of ignorance and mistaken assumption. You don’t posses life; life expresses itself through you. Your body is a flower that life let bloom, a phenomenon created by life." ― Ilchi Lee
30-Apr "I'd rather take coffee than compliments just now." ― Louisa May Alcott ......... BONUS QUOTE: "Coffee - the favorite drink of the civilized world." ― Thomas Jefferson
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." ― David Lynch (I will TOTALLY disagree with this one...)
"The powers of a man's mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks." ― James Mackintosh (a/k/a You're Not Drinking Enough)
"Coffee and chocolate—the inventor of mocha should be sainted." ― Cherise Sinclair

There Is No Try, Only Do

So I was driving back from lunch when I saw a sign reading, "Learn to Sing; Call xxx-yyyy." And I thought, "Really??"

The way I see it, you cannot learn to sing. Oh, you can learn how to improve your vocal skills so that you're more on pitch and I rhythm. But you cannot LEARN to sing.

It is already there. Life has given you a song if you are brave enough to open up your mouth, your vocal cords and just let things fly. There is no "learning" to sing but just giving voice to what is already in your spirit and your heart. The song is there; the voice is there; is your bravery there?

That is what must be learned, it seems. Finding the courage to sing your song...

There is no try, only do.

A big reveal....

Today, I had a photo shoot.... okay, the first one I ever had that wasn't followed by the words, "Now go over there and pick the one you'd like to appear in the yearbook (church directory, etc.)." I found a local photographer who does vintage/pin-up style photography and decided I had to do this.

So the photographer and I drove in town and found a house to use.... to be fair, I thought it was vacant, but I found out later (after it was all over) that nope, people do live there, they just weren't there at the time. Oh well! We also used the front/roadside steps of the parents of some of my brother's friends - they were very kind enough to say yes to Melissa's request and their red and yellow flowers worked very nicely with my white-and-purple floral dress. Then I changed into another outfit and we used some empty buildings right on one of the primary business streets. Hey, a whole block of empty buildings and a few props and it was awesome!

Melissa showed me some of the shots on the camera, and I was in awe. But more than that, I noticed something I never had until today.........

All my life, I have wondered why I didn't really look like either of my parents. I don't necessarily "favor" one or the other, I have enough elements from both that it's a blend. But a couple of years back, one of the people I grew up with noted to me on Facebook that I looked like a younger, thinner version of my mom.

My mom? Really? I didn't see it. I have the lightest hair in the family, more like my dad's. I have his blue eyes. I definitely have his personality. But my mom, no. I have a coworker whose wife said, "I guess I was just an incubator" because when they were little, they both looked far more like their dad than their mom. And I could relate.

But looking at those photos today, I could really see it. I have my mom's senior yearbook (mid-50s) and seeing her in those pictures ... and seeing my own today ... was rather jarring. Obviously I'll always have my dad's eyes, his wit, his personality, but when I speak sometimes, I hear my mother's words or her inflections or tone coming out my mouth. I once saw a pillow that said, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, I've become my mother after all." I used to roll my eyes and think, "Oh, no!" And now......

Very interesting day.

Untamed Me

My bestie posted a graphic on FB tonight with a quote from Isadora Duncan: "You were wild once. Don't let them tame you." I reposted with a comment that said, "Lost my way once. Never again."

Never again. For just-this-short of 15 years, it has been a mantra for me. It is a phrase fraught with memories and meanings that take me back to a place I never want to be again.

In what seems like a lifetime ago, I showed up at college, wide-eyed and optimistic, trying so hard to pretend that I was far more knowledgeable than I really was. All I knew was what I had learned in my small-town environment, where the overarching lesson was conform or go away. As in, be just like everyone else, blend in, don't make waves, or go someplace where that sort of thing is welcomed. I was already different enough to know in my core that I didn't fit in, that this wasn't a world where I would ever be at ease with myself. But college offered just such a world. I had a lot to learn, and less of it gleaned from books than in discovering more about the person who inhabited my soul.

By the time I left four-plus years later, I had gotten a much better grasp on who that person was. Five years later, I had lost her entirely, and replaced her with a mere shell. Oh, she fought. She fought to get out, she fought to scream that she wasn't dead ..... but a battered, fragile heart betrayed its own best interests. I sold myself short .... no, really, I sold myself out ..... to try to gain another's heart, and in the end, I lost it all. I lost the love I thought I had found, lost my own identity in the process.

And as I sat there in the ashes and rubble of my heart, I heard myself whisper, "Never again."

Never again would I lose my own identity. Never again would I sacrifice my thoughts, my opinions, to please another. Never again would I allow myself to be diminished simply for being who I was.

And my heart screamed. It screamed the anguish and agony that had been bottled up for years. It shrieked in sadness when counting the losses. And it wept, wept bitterly for lost time and lost chances, for energy seemingly wasted. After the shock wore off and the pain subsided, the anger remained. It was an almost-holy anger, a seemingly righteous indignation, and it was the fuel for my life. It was a steely resolve that said, "I will be damned if I let this kill me off. I refuse to give in."

In due time, I rebuilt myself from those ruins, stronger and wiser.

And the next time someone took advantage of my kindness, mistaking it for weakness, I stopped it cold. Never again.

Even now, when I feel like I can't really go on, that every ounce of reserve energy is gone, I remember  my sackcloth-and-ashes days. I remember what it was like to feel that low, to feel no need to bother, since nothing really mattered anyway.

Give into despair? Never again.
Give into hopelessness? Never again.
Betray my soul? Never again.
Live in that much repression? Never again.

It took me years to find the real me, the untamed, unvarnished me, and I'm still discovering her as time rolls on. My big regret is that I lost her once .... never again.

Memories light the corners of my mind....

I'm watching the Oscars and heard the familiar strains of a beloved song from my childhood, and I knew what was unfolding before my eyes. As the curtain opened and I saw Barbra Streisand stand there, and the unmistakable notes of "The Way We Were" pour forth, it was no longer February 24, 2013.......

No, instead it was sometime about 35+ years ago, as sounds poured forth from our family's radio. I don't know when the gift and blessing of music entered my life, but it was there through our family's piano, the radios that were placed all over our house, even in the music from my childhood church which is no longer a solace but a haunting memory instead. It surrounded me, but I was drawn most to those radio sounds, and in particular to the women singers I heard of those days: Carly Simon and Karen Carpenter, whose warm rich alto became the basis for my own alto range (though these days I'm most often labeled Mezzo-Soprano, or among my friends, the Sopraltenator). There was Carole King and Joni Mitchell, women who wrote their own music and sang it with the passion of bringing their own stories to life.

And then there was Barbra Streisand. She was all over the airwaves of the 70s, at least on the stations I heard most often. You couldn't help but hear her everywhere. I remember "The Way We Were" and "Evergreen" and "My Heart Belongs to Me" and so many others. Her music was a thread woven in my life, and one way I learned to sing higher notes. Her breath control was awe-inspiring --- how in the world could she hold and stretch those notes out for all that time?

And seeing her sing tonight wowed me, all over again.

Still a model, after all this time.

59th Street Bridge Song, revisited

The Universe is definitely trying to tell me something.

Each morning on FB, I post a quote of encouragement, or something positive, or sometimes something thought-provoking. It's a way for me to remind myself to look for the good, to think and hope for the best. So this morning, I found this Thich Nhat Hanh quote:

"For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them."

I'm not sure why, but it really spoke to me. I suppose because in my own life, I am trying to practice some patience in regards to a few things. I'm waiting to see how life will unfold in those particular situations and trying very hard not to drive the bus (so to speak).

Then, in a newsletter I get daily called "The Daily Flame from Your Inner Pilot Light" there were these words:

You may feel like if you let go of the reins, all hell will break loose, you won't get what you want, and everything will fall apart. But what you may not realize is that grabbing the reins and trying to exert control is actually sabotaging all the blessings the Universe is trying to bestow upon you. So darling, please, let go. Surrender. Trust.

Okay, so another part of the puzzle....... and then, this on FB (a graphic I had to share!):

Oh my gosh, what a lesson I am constantly learning..... I want so much to have everything in perfect place, like my life is a play or screen adaptation that I am trying to direct. I want all the angles to be just right. I want the cameras in perfect place and the sky to be the right shade of blue for all the outdoor location shots. And OMG, if the script has just the wrong word...... or an actor is having a bad hair day. And God forbid if the script isn't finished and I don't know how this scene is going to turn out -- WOOP WOOP! Freakout alert! Danger, Will Robinson!

What this "director" needs to remember is that I am not in charge. I am not the screenwriter or playwright. I am merely one cog in the wheel needed to bring the work to life. Granted, I am the one in "control" of things and my decisions will steer the project, but it is not my work. I am merely asked to make it alive and make it real. I have help -- actors, crew -- what? no craft services? (Sigh).......

But I am not the screenwriter. The work is unfinished. I do not know yet how it will end. I have hope. I have aspirations. I have dreams. And I have drive and determination to see the project through. But I have no idea when and how the playwright will come to me and say, "Hey, I have this thing for you and it's gonna be awesome, so throw away that and use this instead."

And dang if the Universe didn't send me yet another, even as I was typing this:

Okay.

I know the message: slow down. I move too fast (nah. Ya think?)...... I've been running for at least the last couple of weeks with a low-grade sinus infection (hence, headaches galore). So right now, 10 days of antibiotics and hanging on for life. 

Okay, Universe. I'm ready. I'm ready to let you set the scene before I come in to direct. I'm ready to insert pages into the script. I'm trying to let go and let God. So bring it. I'm up to the task!

Yoga and me

Last year, thanks to LivingSocial, I had the opportunity for 4 yoga classes at a particular studio at a reduced rate. For years, I'd heard friends rave about it, read a billion articles about it, and thought often, "You know, I really ought to....." The deal came along at a time of incredible stress in my life, and I needed something -- anything -- to try to bring some peace and calm in my life.

My plan for the rest of 2013 is to go at least twice a month, more if I can, and get my calm on. I need to do a small practice every day as well (even if just 5 or 10 minutes).

What do I get out of it -- besides a good stretch, a chance to learn balance, and better breathing? I get in touch with my soul. In the silence, the peace, the calm, I hear it speak to me of its joys, its sorrows, its unspoken fears, its deepest wants and needs. I hear it tell me that I am loved, that I am a person of worth, that I am inherently good, just as I was created to be. It points out my flaws and failings, but in the kindest way possible .... no chiding, just "hey, you really should know this, and you know you do, so...."

I hear my body tell me things -- where it hurts, where I need to direct my breathing and energy, where I need to be kinder to myself physically, where I'm succeeding wildly, where I am improving. I hear it say to me that I am stronger than I think, in so many ways. It tells me that it appreciates my efforts to improve my strength, my heart, all my capacities.

I feel my mind clear. Thoughts drift in and drift out without exploration or judgment. For me to leave a thought unexplored is very unusual for me; I'm so accustomed to follow my mental meanderings. For me to not think, "Oh why did I even ponder that?" as if everything I ponder is wrong..... Just to have a thought come in and then right back out, like "Oh sorry, wrong room...." and then to let it go its way. if it's important enough, it will come back when I'm ready to receive it.

When you can connect body, mind and soul, you have something pretty special, something pretty close to wholeness. That's why I go. That's why I am making an effort to practice this discipline even more. I hope that I can continue this re-connection for a long time!

Toot your own horn!!!

Thanks to Karen Salmansohn for this FANTASTIC thought!

"What makes you special is not a form of egotism; it's SOUL-ITISM. It's valuing what your soul is here to be and do."

For many years -- okay, most of my life -- I've been eternally soul-searching. There are days I feel I'm no closer to figuring out why I am here, what my "special purpose" is.... then there are days I think I'm on the verge of making that discovery and I need just one more piece to make it click into place and the light to come on and TADAAAA! angels will sing and harps will ... um, make that harp-y noise .... and you know. All that.

Or it may be that I've held that treasure in my hand the entire time and never recognized it as such.

What is it that makes me who I am?

I am an introvert, and I love to think. I love to ponder. I'm not sure that I ever get any closer to solving the world's problems, or even my own sometimes, but I get a lot of insight that helps me grow and do more.

I am an optimist at heart. I act rather cynical and sarcastic sometimes because I realize life shows us its ugly sides too many times. Yet I truly believe that most people are good, in their very essence, in the core of their being. We were created in goodness, we are meant to live in goodness and share light with everyone. And that's in whatever belief system we profess (or lack of belief system, whichever). Some things are just basic across every line. There are those who choose to toss away that seed of goodness in them, and it is heartbreaking to see. I'm not sure why they choose to disbelieve their inherent value and worth, but they do.

Because I am an optimist, I believe that I need to encourage others to look for the good in things and in others -- and especially in themselves. For so many years, I struggled (and still do) with self-worth, self-esteem. I always had to be perfect or it just didn't matter. Unless I was the best, I was nobody. The spaces and systems in which I lived at the time didn't lead me to believe that I was a person of worth regardless of what I accomplished. It has taken the rest of my life so far to wipe out those early years with that sort of thinking. And that's why I try to hard to share positive thoughts, quotes, posters, etc. I need those messages just as much as anyone.

Because of my struggles in so many arenas, I can share my story. You can take from it what you will. What helped me may not help you, or something that didn't work for me may work perfectly for you.

What skills do I possess? I could list specific things that I do in my daily life that I'm good at -- using specific programs or other tools from my work. Or I could list various statistics to show myself as more than a novice and not quite an expert. But honestly, it's not my skills but my gifts of which I'm most proud -- the ability to catch on to things fairly quickly; to look at things and spot patterns or trends; to change plans on a dime and not get dizzy.

I think 2013 will be the year I begin to toot my own horn. It's my year to expect the best in life and most especially in myself. Shouldn't we all?

Christmases past and present

Christmases of my childhood were always waking on Christmas morning in my own house, opening our gifts, and making the trek (with side dishes in tow) to my grandmother's for the family gathering. From the time I was roughly 4 until around 14, she lived in a townhouse-style apartment in a small town: 2 stories, very small square footage. A small front porch, a foyer with stairs leading to the bathroom at the top and two bedrooms. On the main level, a couple of rooms as parlor and living room, and a galley-style kitchen. To fit my grandmother, 7 children and spouses, and fifteen grandchildren (and occasional other people) in there was always a challenge. Those of us who were the younger grandchildren ate our food while sitting on the steps. Adults and older grandchildren had to navigate around us if they needed to avail themselves of the facilities.

But then Granny moved. She had an apartment that was slightly smaller in square footage, but all on one level. Four rooms: living, kitchen, bedroom and bath. We ate everywhere but the bathroom that first year. The next year, she wisely made arrangements to use the clubhouse at the complex. MUCH better. We kept that arrangements for a number of years. Then a couple of times, we had it in other places -- my uncle's house, another locations, and then my aunt arranged to have it at her church's social hall, since nothing was ever going on there on Christmas Day. 

By that point, things were very different in my life from the time of my childhood. I'd gone from Protestant to Catholic, working on my career (such as it was/is), and in some ways completely miserable. I loved my family but I loved my friends too, and parts of me were wishing I was having an "Orphans' Christmas" where friends get together and celebrate being a chosen family to each other. But in my case, all my friends were celebrating with their own families. Another part of me was thinking that one year it would be nice to travel somewhere for Christmas..... go to a resort or a vacation spot and celebrate all of us just being together.

Soon enough the time came when we decided that having it on Christmas Day was too much: too many of us having to visit other parts of our families (in-laws, in-laws-to-be, sending the kids to the ex's for the holidays)...... and so the tradition of the Sunday after Christmas began. I think that year, I actually breathed a sigh of relief at the idea of having Christmas Day with nowhere to go, nothing to do unless I just wanted to..... gasp! how nice!

Then October 1996 came around, and Granny passed. We had another Sunday-after-Christmas gathering that year, because it didn't seem right not to. We cousins sat and spoke to each other as adults, more as friends than as cousins. And then..... we didn't do anything for a few years. Even now, our gatherings are sporadic. We've lost a few more people, gained a few more, but we're staying connected still. The eldest uncle is now requiring assistance, and it breaks my heart to realize he's so much older now. I still think of him as that sweet, kind pillar of strength for the family.

Christmas for me will be the same as it has been for about 22 years or so now. Leave for church sometime after 10:00 PM on Christmas Eve. Sing at prelude to Midnight Mass and celebrate our Savior's birth in the dark, quiet hours of the morning. Come home and collapse! Wake, have breakfast, open presents. Only now, it's relaxing with my family .... and this year, going to see Les Miserables with some friends from choir on Christmas Day. I've actually never gone to the movies on Christmas Day, but so many of my friends do. It might become a new tradition for me!

However you celebrate, make sure that you remember the best things about the season: even if you have no religious practices to the season, it is a spirit of giving and of love, of warmth and light overcoming darkness. Be the light and love the world needs.

This may get me in trouble...

People may not like what I have to say here. I'd like to say in advance that I apologize, but not for what I'm going to say, but that you may not like it.

There's a lot of stuff going around about the Newtown shootings, and a lot of it deals with: "We need to get God back in schools."

Newsflash, people: God never left schools. If you truly believe that God is in all, through all, with all, and permeates His entire creation, then he is still there in the schools. He will be there as long as those who wish to recognize his place in their lives do so. But it is not our place to force the message upon those who are not  wishing to hear it. "Let him who has ears, let him hear." I get very put out with those who believe that the entire salvation of every soul depends upon them and their witness alone. That they somehow "let down" Jesus by not preaching him 24/7 to everyone.

Another newsflash, peeps: If everyone's salvation depends on you, what was the Crucifixion for?

Here's a novel thought: if you really feel that God somehow cannot move people's hearts without your help, then preach it without words. Instead of going to your 4th revival service of a week -- where it's truly preaching to the choir -- how about staying at home and having your kids clean out their toy chests or closets to give something to truly needy children? And when the busybodies at church ask you the next Sunday, "Where were you, we missed you" with that sly "I was in church and YOU weren't" tone, you can answer them with "Following Matthew 25 instead of sitting on a pew and congratulating myself on what a 'good Christian' I am."

You want to do something to really make a change in the world? Start doing works of mercy, works of justice, works of peace and stop just talking a good game. Quit wringing your hands over God not being somewhere (as if that's possible - you DO believe that, don't you?) and make him present without words. So what if you (ahem) "aren't allowed to share God" with people? Sure you are: you do it with your actions. If actions alone were a barometer, then I know plenty of supposed heathen who are better Christians than those who warm the pews.

And lest you think for a second I'm the expert in this, far from it. This is a wake-up call to me as well, to do more, to be more, and to best utilize the gifts I've been given to build the Kingdom.

Oh, and if you wondered, the Kingdom is not some far off tomorrow, where we look to a calendar or to the skies and say "When?" Because "when" happened at the Annunciation, the Incarnation, the Nativity, and on.... we live the Kingdom now, even as incomplete and right-here-and-not-yet-realized as it is.

Okay. I'm stepping down off this soapbox. I have others to step up on....... and more to come.

Trying to stay low-key

I promise, I'm not the Grinch and my heart isn't three sizes too small..... but seriously, I do not get into all the holiday hype. I have various folks in my life who are positively giddy at the thought of Christmas and all the decorations and baking and.....

Well, not me.

Just so there is no misunderstanding: I have no problems with Christmas in itself. I have great awe for the actual event itself. But I have massive problems with the hype, the hoopla, the buildup and frenzy only to have it disappear on the 26th as if it never happened. And the commercialism is encroaching into other parts of the calendar. It is bad enough that stations begin 24/7 holiday music before Thanksgiving..... and that Christmas decorations are out around Halloween.

Whatever happened to simple celebrations of miracles? To a time when our gatherings focused on family, on all we'd been given, on the fact that we were together and alive and have another breath and the opportunity to reflect and recommit ourselves to the message of the manger?

For so many, Christmas is an extremely difficult time -- joy that is tempered by loss, by sadness, by broken relationships and our own broken hearts and broken pride. I have also felt the pains of non-Rockwellian Christmases, where the snow never falls, the table always has an empty seat or two, and the heart feels bereft of any emotion, let alone joy and wonder. Christmases colored not in red, green, gold or silver, but in blues, greys, even black.

For a long time, I simply wanted to fall asleep on December 16 and wake around January 4 ..... I wanted so much to avoid Christmas. I felt very acutely what it was to no longer have Christmas. I suppose I noticed it starting after my grandmother's death. For me, Christmas was always the celebration that belonged to my dad's family -- at least in our celebrations, and especially so after my mother's mother passed. To have it ripped away due to death and to misunderstandings and miscommunications ..... a dagger in an already-wounded heart. It is but a window into the pain that many families feel on a much greater scale.

So I try to make my Christmas celebrations a little more low-key. I'm not against gifts, but I'm far more appreciative of the love and the sentiments behind the gifts. I'm not against parties and fun -- quite the opposite! I love the gatherings of friends and family and expressing our happiness to just be together. One of my favorite events of the last few years is the night I gather with choir friends and other people from my church to do neighborhood caroling, followed by snacks and warm drinks at their house. All it costs me is the investment I make in a snack to bring and a few hours out of my night. Worth every moment, and the fun we have wandering the neighborhood is awesome .... as well as belting out tunes around the piano! These are the things that give me the warm fuzzies and make me believe in Christmas.

The beauty of Christmas isn't in the money I spend on gifts, but in the love and warmth felt in hearts. It is in the humility and simplicity of a place where a tiny baby was born into poverty and despair and yet whose message in life and death was that there's so much more ..... if we just believe.

This is where my heart lies ..... believing that there's so much more, believing that it cannot be found in the clamor of the seasonal squawk and noise but in a whisper of soul to soul, believing that miracles are unlimited and that they still happen in every moment.

It may not be Madison Avenue's view of the perfect Christmas, but then again, neither was the first one.