Christmas Eve Reflections

12/24/17, 9:25 pm

As I get ready to take part in yet another Midnight Mass (27 years now, I think?) I always pause to reflect .....

I think back to December 2014 — the last year we had anything close to a normal Christmas. Mom was still fairly mobile, but was starting to have issues. Richard was here. Maddox was around. Dad had just retired for the second time. We were together .......

I think back on those three years since then.... I could focus on all the losses, all the pain and the many tears I have cried. I could look at my own struggles from foot surgery to staying sane through all the whiplash changes. I could concentrate on all the disappointments, the dashed hopes, the what-might-have-beens.

But instead, I want to be grateful for the many blessings. Through all those adversities, I have been abundantly blessed — the kind of flowing grace that makes me drop to my knees, sobbing in gratitude for the love I’ve been shown. Love that makes me want to share it out, paying it forward to a world desperately in need of unconditional love. Kindnesses that have been poured out on me like a rolling river, that leave me shaking my head and wondering what I have ever done in life to deserve such favor.

In the last few years, my faith has been shaken and stirred and made gelatinous. It has been shredded and reconstructed and my soul sewn back together as much as possible. My hope has at times wavered like undies in the breeze on Granny’s clothesline. But I pray fervently that I only grow in my ability to love without measure or condition. It’s all I know to do these days. Just love.

Yes, I have lost family members — and the pain is still raw and fresh and I still find myself tearing up at the blink of an eye. But I have  gained a deeper, stronger bond with my family as well. They have held me up so much since March 2016 that I can’t even begin to say adequate thanks. I am so glad we are close after all these years and I love you all so much!

And I also gained a worldwide “framily.” My framily contains people I grew up with; people from my young adult life; people I’ve just met in the last couple of years, and some I have yet to meet in person. You are all SO vital to my life, and I am so very grateful to you.

No matter the specific holiday you celebrate, the one thing we share in common is the light — whether Hanukkah candles, Yule fires, Christmas lights, or any other representation. For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, as the sun has diminished and now as the days will slowly lengthen even as the cold settles in, there is light that darkness can never overcome. Be that light, reflect that light. May all of us find ourselves warmed by the light and the fire it generates in us and in the world.

Looking Back - And An Eye To The Future

I thought 2016 was enough to kill me. I was so wrong.

2016, to be perfectly fair, was a craphole of a year in which doom and gloom seemed omnipresent in my life, in which I could not escape the spectre of all things wrong - and yet, one in which I experienced some amazingly awesome events.

2017 was much the same, multiplied tenfold. Once again, the Grim Reaper overshadowed my year, losing an aunt, my favorite musician (which most just do not understand how much his loss affected me), and finally and most harshly of all, my brother, so suddenly and so painfully. I feel his absence from my life even more harshly than I did my mother's (which was harsh enough).

But today, new hope. I brought home a new pet to love.

As most of you know, it was 375 days ago that I had to say goodbye to my beloved Maddox, my heart and soul of nearly 10 years. I had many opportunities from friends who knew pets (or who had pets) that needed rehoming. And as much as I wanted to do so, I couldn't .... Dad had an eye on knee surgery, and then losing Richard...... but over the weekend, I just started looking in earnest.

He called to me. His sweet sad little face and his story stabbed my heart.

So this morning, I went to the Humane Society. He was skittish, as they told me he would be. But then.... and I called my dad. He was very skittish, as they said he would be around men. But then....

We brought him home, and unlike Maddox -- who, make no mistake, worshipped my father -- he marched right into my father's workshed and lay down. Eyes on my father at all time.

Maddox, part deux, at least for the worshipfulness. I'm not surprised. That makes 3 of us now -- Kendi, Maddox, and me.

Kendi brings me hope. Making creative gifts for family and friends and coworkers has brought me an outlet.

Maybe - just maybe - 2018 will leave me the hell alone. Will give me space and time to heal at last. Will give me a chance to find myself again - maybe the parts of me I hadn't yet grown to know and love.

And at last, may we find peace and comfort and solace in a world grown bonkers.

L'chaim my friends.