Saturday, December 04, 2004

I declare a POX on bad Christmas music.

Yeah, long time no blog. Lots of stuff has gone on but nothing that demanded that I write about it. But with the Christmas season upon us, you *knew* I'd have to share some thoughts on this -- bad Christmas music!!! I declare a POX on bad Christmas music.

Here's a most egregious example: Several years ago, someone I once knew had a CD given to him by a family member, probably as a joke. Last year, I found this CD at Big Lots. Let's just say the music therein makes Jessica Simpson's bad-sounding "Sanny CLAAAAAWZ!" (from the recent NBC special) sound like Leontyne Price by comparison. It's not one of those "so bad it's good" -- it's one of those "Oh my LORD, did someone actually PAY money to have this thing produced and marketed??" That alone made me have to buy it.

It's called "Southern Christmas Classics" -- but there's only one song on there I even remotely recognized (more on that "gem" in a minute). There's the opening song called "Star of Bethlehem" -- no, not "O Beautiful Star of Bethlehem" (which the Judds did a few years back). Let me just share one couplet of the lyrics (at least as I think it went; hard to get a precise transcription over my howls of shock and semi-laughter):

He didn't send his message through a fax or IBM
But he sent his love to us, through the Star of Bethlehem.

Then there is the all-time "classic"..... called (and I am quoting verbatim here): "Ain't That What Christmas Is About?" Here's the refrain:

Ain't that what Christmas is about?
So let all your good feelings out
It's the time of year to say "I love you"
Oh, ain't that what Christmas is about?

All I could say was "Oh my..... Oh my....."

And the one song I recognized? Since when is "On the Good Ship Lollipop" a Christmas song???? HUH?????


And the winner of the worst Christmas single ever, bar none?

The worst Christmas song -- the one I turn off while howling in disgust and writhing in pain -- is that damn "Christmas Shoes" (where the kids buy their dying mother a pair of gold shoes so she'll look pretty for Jesus).

Now, before you go calling me a totally heartless bitch, let me say that the song is designed to tug every heartstring (and it does). You'd have to be a completely heartless soul not to mist up the first time you hear it -- just on sappy sentiment alone.

But the stations around here are playing it at least 2-3 times a day, and it just makes me ill to hear it. PS: Haven't heard it yet? Really? Can I come live in your hometown? Apparently, judging by the number of times it's played around here, folks just can't get enough of it.

Furthermore, there is some appalling theology contained therein -- namely this: Is heaven so drained for new and exciting stuff that Jesus has decided to get His jollies by standing at the pearly gates, looking at people coming in and saying, "HEEEEY! Cute shoes!"????

I have stated before that if the master copy from the studio, every piece of purchased sheet music, every CD with this song, and every ripped MP3 file of this song were to suddenly, spontaneously combust, leaving it forever destroyed, I wouldn't shed a tear. I stand by this. Call me heartless. I can take it.

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