Friday, July 06, 2007

Au contraire, Mr. Honda!

The Van is NOT back, contrary to what your commercials might say. The Van is not a Honda Odyssey, or even a Dodge/Chrysler Town and Country (with or without Stow & Go).

No, no, no, no, bebes. A real van is a '68 VW Vanagon-like thing, painted in great psychedelic colors. Or even better, it is a circa-'76 big ol' honkin', gas-guzzlin' behemoth (Ford Econoline comes to mind) that has tinted windows and a mattress of some sort in the back -- you know, like in the song "Chevy Van." Even as a fairly innocent kid, I understood the implications of what a van was to singletons in the 70s.

By God, THOSE are vans. What the car dealers are purporting as "The Van" (or its return) are nothing more than the soccer-mommy minivans of the 80s, revisited. That's all.

George Clinton, be a man and take your song back.... please!

3 comments:

Talmadge G. said...

....a real van is also a bright-orange conversion Dodge with convex round window in the rear back side, one-way rear windows, shag carpet, and 8-track player. The guy across the street from us back in Tupelo had just such a puppy. He had a wife and two chirren (wife was a hair stylist). Dunno what he did for a living.

Oh, and the classic VW was called, simply, a "bus." Or 'microbus' as some called it. The Vanagon came along just as VW was beginning to shed its German engineering prowess and start building POS clunkers.

"Volkswagen does it ... a-GAIN!" (to the tune of "shave and a haircut")

--Talmadge "If the Van is Rockin' Don't Bother Fahrvergnüg'ing" Gleck

Seraphim9 said...

Which kind of leads me to a next question that I will pose to you, my music gurus...

Is there something about a Chevrolet that people like getting busy in them? I thought about this the other day when I was listening to Night Ranger's "When You Close Your Eyes". Are there any songs out there where people are getting busy in another make and model of vehicle?

I'm sure that a VW Beetle, Yugo, and Cooper Mini are probably out of the question, at least for folks like us.

Wonder if Clark and Ellen ever made whoopee in the back of the Metallic Pea Wagon Queen Family Truckster?

-S.G.

P.S. My word verification is "zwongz". Is that what happens just before the "Fahrvergnüg'ing" starts?

Talmadge G. said...

Ohhhhh yes. The DR. DEMENTO classic "Making Love in a Subaru" comes quickly to mind.

I've already replied to Luvuhmylife, but I'll repeat it for the benefit of our viewing audience: Chevrolet - for better or worse - is the quintessential "American" car. Basic (if clunky) everytransportation. Especially the '57 model. The backseat has room for a complete sexual quorum.

And Sammy Johns' immortal song, were it to call for "making love in my VW microbus" ... or "...International Scout", or - gawd forbid - "...Opel Kadett GT" just wouldn't have had the same ring to it. And probably wouldn't have sold many records.

As for Clark & Ellen making the Monroe struts squeak in their WQFT, I can't say. But someone once told me that Audrey and Jack tried in the backset of an '82 Vanagon once.

They broke up about two months after Audrey's abortion.

Anyhoo, I'm waiting for a song about gettin' it on in a Honda Element. After all, the seats fold down to make a double bed.

(we'd better not give Tiger any ideas, lest I become a grandfather before age 50.....)

--TG